Am writing this with a vague hope that I might feel better for doing so.
Just lately things have really been getting on top of me and I think I'm teetering on the edge of having a nervous breakdown.
I'm going to have to bullet point to make any sense otherwise I might start waffling on.
I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks. Everyday is one big battle not to have thoughts about dying or thinking the worst case scenario is going to happen in every situation.
Dh works during the day and I work evenings so more often than not he comes home from work as I'm off out the door. So we very rarely get to spend any time together and when we do we are both so tired. Me, because I work evenings and Dh, because he works about 60 per week.
We are both running ourselves into the ground. I cannot remember the last time I had a whole week off work.
We work so much because we need the money. We earn too much to be able to get any help financially but not enough to live. We can't afford to buy a house so we rent privately and pay alot of rent each month for a house that had a serious damp problem, the carpets smell, and the list goes on. We have no hope of moving as we do not have enough money to save to get the next deposit. It's really getting me down, working really hard but never getting anywhere.
My exh and his wife are pains in the arse. They make everything regarding dc's into a battle. They seem to have a major problem with me although I do not know why because ex left me for the woman he's now married to and they have a baby on the way. They treat me with contempt as if it was me that left him for someone else.
My in-laws hate me. They went out of their way to make my life a living hell (a very long story) during which time I even thought about ending it all (this was about 18months ago and was when panic attacks got worse). Dh now has nothing to do with them but every now and then his grandparents pop up out of the woodwork and try to make him feel extremely guilty and of course blaming me for everything. Although it's not my fault I feel guilty for me being the cause of the rift between dh and his parents even if they are not very nice people. I also can't handle the fact that they dislike me so much. I find myself wondering what it is about me that makes me so unlikable and wondering if I'm a bad person.
I am overweight and hate what I see in the mirror. I have tried various diets but nothing seems to work. I have been to the doctors and they cannot find any medical reason as to why I can't seem to lose weight and I just feel like a lost cause. I continually feel like its just a matter of time before my dh finds someone alot more attractive than me and doesn't come with all this emotional baggage. I know many of my health issues wouldn't be so bad if I could just lose a few stone.
These are just a few of the things that I have on my mind and I feel are weighing me down. The last two days I have been very tearful and have had absolutely no energy. I couldn't even bring myself to make the dinner earlier on, so dh had to do it after he'd got in from working for 12 hours today. Although I have felt tearful I feel as if I can't let myself cry because if I do I may never stop.
I don't have anything to look forward to in my life, no holidays because we can't afford them. I want to do a college course to better myself but I can't because we can't afford the fee's. Dh and I have made no plans for the future.
I'm so sorry for those of you who have made it this far because all I've done is moan but it does feel good to have gotten this all off my chest. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I'm in limbo and I don't want to be anywhere.