Sharing as no one else to share with

[PonderThus]

I don’t know where to start, 5 years ago my dad choked to death whilst eating, a year later I got breast cancer during the pandemic and had to go all aggressive treatments. Now at the start of this year our 11dd has been diagnosed with anorexia, ocd and possible autism and is on brink of being. hospitalised.
I’m signed off work with stress but have to go back soon. My boss is a bully and my work has been toxic for years, but I can’t afford not to work.
My daughter only accepts care from me and hates her dad, sister and all other family. I spend all the time caring for her and she is severely mentally and physically ill and it is exhausting.
I don’t feel depressed, other than situational but I just feel crap follows me now. People tell me to be positive and hope for the future, but everyone is at arms length because I do all caring, I am also main earner.
I have needs and dreams, but that never seems to matter. I’ve lost my girl to this illness, my other dd is feeling ignored and I have no idea how long this will last or if it will ever be over.
I feel sad and lonely x

God that is a load of shite to be dealing with. I'm in a similar boat with my 10yr old son's mental and physical health for the last year and same as you he prefers me only to care for him, occasionally will let dad but that's rare. I have my own mental health issues and this is just exacerbating mine.
It's so so so so draining isn't it? I just wanted to say I completely get it and understand.

That’s a lot to deal with. Have you thought about seeing a therapist that can help you? Hugs x

I have been referred to psychological services but there’s a waiting list. I don’t actually feel a need to talk, it’s crap that’s the way it is and I need to suck it up. I just want some hope, some joy and a break. I want someone to show me some care I guess. I want to feel more than a servant, a carer and made to feel useless at work and threatened with redundancy.

You have dealt with so much in the last few years so it’s understandable that you are struggling.
Not sure if it will help to talk to other parents of children with EDs but there is a thread on the ED board where they seem to offer each other a lot of support and useful information

I'm sorry OP, that sounds really hard.

Could you focus on the here and now and find small tiny moments of calm or fun just for you. A nice box of chocolates or biscuits. A book you have always wanted to read. It doesn't sound like it's easy for you to get much time for you so micro moments for you might help balance your day. Even 15 min yoga before bed. It might seem insignificant given you do have so much on your plate but it adds up. E.g. doing something just for you 20 mins a day is over 2 hours of me time a week. Maybe small things you could do with your DD which will make you happy too such as making a simple meal together. Stuff that has to be done anyway but do it with your DD so ticks 2 boxes if that makes sense.

This sums up how things begin to feel:

"The true horror of existence is not the fear of death, but the fear of life. It is the fear of waking up each day to face the same struggles, the same disappointments, the same pain. It is the fear that nothing will ever change, that you are trapped in a cycle of suffering that you cannot escape. And in that fear, there is a desperation, a longing for something, anything, to break the monotony, to bring meaning to the endless repetition of days."

— Albert Camus, The Fall