Can I fully be me, for once?

[Rustystaples]

Never posted on before. Just wanted to know if any of this resonates with anyone. Long and TW self-harm, sorry.

Background:
Been depressed and had low self esteem most of my life, late 40s now.
Trying nhs talking therapy yet again; beginning to realise it won't go away - fine.
I'll find ways of working alongside it.
BUT, this therapist has made me realise just how much depression has held me back in life, my career and security. I'm bitter and I'm ashamed.

We've established that I took on too much emotional responsibility and upheaval after my parents split when I was a child.
I was a perfectionist and a big deal was made of how well I did in school.
I think I was the 'golden child' - my sister is NC with my DM and partner now. There hasn't been a time, since my sister was a toddler, that I can remember their relationship NOT being fraught. There was never much peace.
I feel incredibly sad and guilty now, having had a daughter, who is close to me, that I didn't realise how bad this was. That I failed to help my sister. I wasn't a great sister when we were teens, but I realise now that she relied on me a lot. I'm convinced now, that DSis is on the spectrum but no-one will take me seriously.

Amyway we've established how some of this may have led me to self-harm during my A-levels. There were high expectations from my parents (particularly DM). The teachers botched their 'help' and didn't find me any.
I could have gone on to university but felt too defeated. I've taken on mostly manual low-paid jobs which my DM has been disapproving of over the years. It's led to poverty basically. I'm not proud. But I do realise I was protecting myself when the depression got bad. It took me years to recover from A-levels.

To get to the point!
I have to move on. I don't want to waste any more time. The therapist suggested I let go of the guilt, the feeling that I should have tried (and could still) fix the family rift. She says that I deserve to be happy. But if other people aren't - should I be? I've been told by my DH and DD that I'm hardworking, kind and funny. Amongst the usual insults of course! My nature is sometimes to be silly, crack jokes, dance about. But I feel self-concious, and I realised yesterday that it's particularly around my DM and stepDF. I always sense some disapproval somehow. Yesterday I got really subdued after a Mothers Day celebration. Because I'd really tried to just be me, perhaps laughed too much. But DM seemed shut-off with me. It took me back to when I was a teen. Even if I was overeacting here, it has been a thing. When I've wanted to share small work achievements for example, but it didn't hit right. It's hard to explain.

What is this? Why do I feel like this? How can I get past it?
I'm going to bed and then work, so sorry if I don't reply yet.

Sounds like your DM is the damaged one - sad that she had a bad relationship with your sis and that she pushed too high expectations onto you. Then her failed marriage.
Sounds like she had a v flawed child hood to behave in this way.
Im not making excuses for her but pointing out that the things you feel guilt for are all to do with her ,not you. You can’t fix her failings and she seems to have many.
Siblings often don’t get on or fall out in their teens. Try to put all this behind you. Put the blame where it should be but I mentioned DMs childhood as it might not be her fault she turned out as she did. I would want to spend less time in her company.

When you wake up in the morning, are you happy to be you, no matter what's going on in your life? For me that's the yardstick to measure if I'm OK as (as you rightly say) no one is happy all the time - it's unrealistic.

I've been told by my DH and DD that I'm hardworking, kind and funny. Listen to them, they know who you are now far more so that your mother. And realise that her own parents shaped her into the person she is today - you've broken that generational cycle and that's something to be really proud of.

If you haven't already covered it (guessing you haven't, from your OP) ask your therapist to explain how Core Beliefs are formed and, crucially, how they can be changed.

Thank you. We have straightened out a lot of problems and I do enjoy her company now - but I hold a lot of myself back and this doesn't sit right.
I think she had a tough upbringing. I think she was a young single mum with a (possibly) autistic child and a husband that was more use out of the home quite frankly.
I want to tell her that poor mental health looks like a messy house and no career, but she's quite work/achievement-driven. She thinks I should be able to do all these amazing things, which is nice in a way, but I have my limits.

Well, stop holding yourself back. around her She may not like it, but it's not your responsibility to 'curate' your personality to suit her preferences.

Or just recognise you can't be yourself around her, and that this isn't some kind of tragedy, it's perfectly normal. My mother and I have a perfectly amiable relationship, but I never share anything important with her. She simply wouldn't be able to deal with the reality of me, and that's OK. I mean, it's mildly sad, sure, that we weren't better suited as parent and child, but as I've dedicated most of my life to trying to strip away the scripts with which I was raised, it's not surprising that we're very different people.

Thank you, that's an interesting way of looking at it.
I am mostly happy to be me, but I firmly believe that I don't deserve to feel 100% ok.
I feel so guilty, I can't talk to my DSis at the moment - she doesn't know.

Core beliefs were covered in the last round of therapy. I think I managed to change some but not this one.

To move forward seems like I'm not taking responsibility.
But to not move forward seems like I'm being less of who I am. I don't want to 'less than' for my daughter.
God I think too much! 😆