Please help me: I'm in a tailspin of anxiety about work

[TerrifiedofCriticism]

I'm a regular, a namechanger. Part of the reson I'm on the site so much is that I am horrendously anxious about the work I do, and I avoid it by MNing.

I work at home so I don't get enough input from colleagues to enable me to get a perspective on my performance. I have to pass on the work I have done to clients who go through it and pass feedback to me, suggest changes, etc.

In other words 'criticism' is an essential phase of the work I do. But it scares the shit out of me. Everyhting is done via email and I find myself reading between the lines for signs of anger, berating myself for every single slip. Does anyone feel the same? How can I get over this, so that I can just get on and work without feeling that everything I do is a source of judgement on my acceptability?

Sorry about this winging post. I'm just feeling a bit crap right now.

You say you have e mail contact is it possoble to have telephone contact. That way you get to know people better and they do too.

Would it be possible to meet for feed back every few months.

I can empathise with this; in my old job there were tons of other people's opinions and comments, and it took me ten years not to take them too personally. But there is a good side, it shows you care about your work.

But I have a few questions...

Have you always been like this, or is it a relatively new thing? Is it tp do with working from home now, perhaps, or are you anxious about something else altogether and worrying about this instead (my favourite trick)? If you can work out what is behind this, you can extricate yourself.

You sound to be, like me, a self-berating perfectionist. In my case it comes from a low opinion of myself coming from a crappy childhood. And I have anxiety attacks about being ill when I am worried about something else. But there are lots of things that can help:

I found CBT very very useful for anxiety, and it's not very expensive. I got mine on the NHS, in fact.

Yoga or something similar is very good to keep your equilibrium - or work out what calms you down and do it, every day. I also find writing a diary very useful - particularly if you work on your own as you can RANT and then get on with it.

Go for a walk, every day. Sounds trite, but does help.

Does any of this make sense?

Thanks, both of you, for your replies, much appreciated.

Phone contact not usually practical -- US clients, very busy people.

Yes, vonsud, I've always been like this, but working alone doesn't help!

I'd like to have therapy -- and was in fact referred for this, but let the opportunity slide during a depressive slump. Not helping myself very well.

Agree that exercise is helpful. Have recently come off ADs because they didn't help much. Everything you say makes sense.

Have to pick up DS2 now, but will look in later.

Oh, and it sounds like you have moved forward vonsudenfed. That is an achievement, it really is.

It all sounds very familiar - am about to watch the Apprentice [shamefaced emoticon] but will answer you properly tomorrow.

And it's two steps forward, one back. Or a spiral, perhaps. It gets better, but it's still there, if you see what I mean.

Right, I am now here with my full attention.

You sound as thought you have had a similar kind of history to me - I was also on ADs (PND) and the anxiety was at its worst then.

One more question - what was the AD? And have you told the doctor about the anxiety specifically? I only ask this because I was initially prescribed Prozac, but when I mentioned the anxiety, was swapped onto Citalopram, which is specifically good for this. I didn't stay on it for long - 6 months or so - but it was one of the things that really helped me break the cycle.

I think it would be really, really good for you to do some kind of therapy or CBT. I know it's a difficult thing to do, because it's an admission of failure, but what you have to realise is that it's not you that's failed, it's your parents, or whatever it is in your past that has made you feel that you are not good enough.

And - this may sound strange but it's true - I really, really enjoyed both therapy and CBT. There were some grim bits, of course, but the insight and understanding it gave me were really joyful at times (and in both cases they were lovely women who I was pleased to spend time with). So, if you have even an hour a week when you can do this, then it is so worthwhile.

But, having said all of that, I also think that one of the problems you have is the nature of your work. You're isolated, with no colleagues to vent to, and no social life from work to take your mind off things. And, even at the best of times, people can be very terse in emails, so it's easy to read hostility where none is intended.

Are you in a city? If you are, there might be some kind of women in business or networking thing that would at least get you out and talking. And is there any way you can get other, local, clients? That might help a lot. And this is where I also think some kind of talking therapy would be really useful for you, as just speaking it out to someone else is the easiest way to get some perspective on it all.

vs

Thanks vonsud.

Re anti-deps, I've tried quite a few. Seroxat gave me the most relief from 'social anxiety'. If I do ever go back on ADs I will make sure it is that one, despite its not being fashionable to prescribe it these days.

I had some CBT a long time ago. But then I focused on depression generally, and it was too pervasive an issue for CBT to address effectively. I think it would be really helpful to have CBT addressed specifically to my anxiety about others' reactions to me -- treating this anxiety much as you would treat a phobia.

And, yes, a network would help. I think I would get a lot from a self-help group of some sort, rather than a women in business type of thing (too scary). Perhaps I will try to hunt one out.

Thanks for your responses.

Yes, I think CBT would work well on that kind of anxiety. The workbook that came with mine was very geared up to social anxiety. (Didn't work so well with my hypochondria. What's the worst that could happen? Well, I could have a serious illness and DIE. Even the counsellor laughed at that one.) But I ended up exploring my writers block quite usefully on the NHS - and the relaxation exercises were the best thing, really helped me, which is why I suggested yoga.

The other thing that might work is hypnosis - if you can get someone to teach you self-hypnosis, do. It's a way of getting to a very relaxed state, very quickly.

Sorry have nothing useful to add re ADs or your work ,but would just like to say that from your original comments you sound like a lovely conscientious person and i bet your clients in RL think that too

Did you have at least one very critical/judgemenental parent? I was always pretty successful academically and workwise (am currently SAHM), but NEVER felt confident and I'm sure it's because my father never missed an opportunity to undermine or criticise us as children.

Even today I went to meet my son's teacher for a report - he changed school in September and this was our first meeting. I was really nervous about what she was going to say.

Her report could not have been more glowing and once, again, it confirmed to me that this stuff is all in my head.

It's probably the same with you