I think I might be autistic - is it worth chasing a diagnosis?

[Humpycamel]

Apologies, this may be long! I took the AQ 50 test online and scored 33.

I've never, ever felt like I fit into this world. I've always been an outsider, despite my best efforts. I've been on anti depressants for around 20 years and I've been diagnosed with anxiety and I've had an eating disorder in the past.

I've always felt like everyone else knows the rules but I just didn't get the rule book. I try to copy things I've seen on TV and in movies (sometimes with disasterous results) but I always seem to get it wrong. I say the wrong thing to the wrong person, I overshare, I don't know when it's ok for me to speak or how to join a conversation. I'm a people pleaser and I will go out of my way to try and make someone happy / like me. I rehearse conversations in my head and then spend hours replaying them afterwards. When I'm with people I feel so awkward and overthink everything - how should I hold my arms, how should I walk, how should I be sitting etc.

I don't like new things. For example, when looking at new baby groups for my little one, I'll find a group online but I have to then think about it for a week or 2 before I can commit to going. I buy new clothes but then have to keep them in my wardrobe for a few weeks before I can wear them.

From a sensory point of view I'm generally ok. I don't mind different textures (except certain foods such as jelly make me feel ill) and I don't mind loud noises. But i can't cope in shops if there are lots of different noises at the same time and I can't cope with repetitive or high pitched noises.

I read obvious body language easily but I also take people at face value. If someone says they're going to do something, i expect it to be done. If i watch something like The Traitors I'll think I've understood everything that's going on but then when I hear other people talk about it and they say something like "X is really going after Y" and I've totally missed it!

However, there are other autism symptoms that I totally don't fit with. I geberally understand sarcasm and idioms (although I think a lot of them are stupid!), as a child I loved imaginative play and I now join in with my children and their make believe play. I don't have a particularly good memory and I don't have any obsessions.

Has anyone in a similar situation got a diagnosis? Was it worth it? Did it change anything for you?
One thing that puts me off an assessment is that I've read they will want to speak to someone who knew me as a child. For various reasons, that would not be an option.
Thank you for reading all of this!

The fact you're asking the question is enough for me to tell you yes, it's really worth enquiring regards an assessment. Simply, for your own knowledge and understanding of yourself and who you are.

No one here can over ride your own sense that you are. I believe that trumps everything.

My child is ND. I contemplated whether I was for no more than 1 minute. I know I'm not. So when anyone feels they are, I simply say to that person, LISTEN.

I am sure there must be ways around the childhood element. Put an enquiry in.

My personal experience is that it was well worth going through an assessment and receiving a diagnosis. It's helped me to understand myself, be kinder to myself/apply better self care and get 'reasonable adjustments' at work.

FWIW, I am NC with my 'parents', they had zero input with my assessment and it was carried out without input from anyone who knew me as a child.

I think it's helpful to frame it as what you want after the diagnosis. Do you want validation? Or solutions? Or something else?

I haven't pursued an autism assessment beyond scoring highly on AQ-10, because I don't see what difference it will make to my life to get one. There's nothing I can do about it if I have it that will be different if I have a diagnosis or not. Some people feel differently though and find a diagnosis helpful in giving them certainty.

I did pursue an ADHD assessment because I was told it was treatable, but years later I still don't have medication or any sort of treatment plan for various reasons I won't bore you with, and every time I raise it I get fobbed off, so I wish I hadn't bothered.

I could have written your post, I took a similar list to my GP at 24. I was diagnosed within the year. Despite the warning that there was no support available for adults (true!) it changed my life. DH is incredibly supportive and understanding and we were able to change parts of our lives to help me cope better. My workplace were also understanding and offered me some simple reasonable adjustments and I was able to meet other people with autism.

Even without that, it would have changed my life forever. The voice in my head that constantly told me I was deficient and an outsider suddenly went quiet. Yes I was different but I was born this way and meant to be this way. Understanding autism also helped me understand things I was good at, which helped my confidence and self esteem. I know that after socialising I will be tired and I give myself space to recover. The constant replays of conversations and wondering what I did wrong and why the conversation didn’t have the outcome I planned stopped. I was able to understand that I saw the world differently to other people and that sometimes we would miscommunicate and accept that was okay.

I am a different person to who I was pre diagnosis, so much more relaxed and confident. I like myself. I still have struggles and times where I think I’ve messed up (said something wrong, overcommitted myself socially and can’t keep up!) but overall these occasions are much less and I understand how to recover and forgive myself.

You might have to fight for it, but I’m glad I did it!

Thank you. Can I ask, what reasonable adjustments at work did you get?

Thank you. I'm not sure what i want. I think perhaps reassurance that it's not just me that's wrong and doesn't fit in, but there's actually a reason for it.
But I'm also worried that if I went for an assessment they might say there's nothing wrong with me and so it would confirm that I am the problem.

That's really useful, thank you. Have you told everyone else in your life? Has the diagnosis had an negative effects?

Some of the world’s funniest people and actors are autistic. Sarcasm, humour, nuance and keen observation and understanding are things many autistic people excel at. It’s way more nuanced than just ‘social deficits’.
You may find a diagnosis helps you or you could just look into autism and find ways that may help you navigate things. Some people feel a fushmisus validates them. Others are happy to just decide themselves. A diagnosis can be helpful in the workforce and in education

I'm not comfortable posting my specific reasonable adjustments, but here's some info that may be of help:

What are reasonable adjustments and when can they be requested

It took me a long time to tell people like parents/grandparents on the basis they wouldn’t really “get it”. My Dad certainly didn’t but then myself and my Mum concluded that he’s probably where I got it from and it’s his personal choice to engage with it or not. We don’t talk about it a lot as I don’t really need to-
I’m just as weird as I’ve always been to them, I just have better boundaries now!

My friends were both lovely about and also slightly “err well
obviously” and I found it quite refreshing to find out that they’d had an inkling something was “different” and proceeded to continue our friendship anyway!

I had a couple of managers at work be really negative about it but it was symptomatic of a wider toxic culture in the department, that was probably the worst. I made a sideways move to a different department with a lovely culture and am really happy.

Probably the worst reaction is when people kind of go “well you don’t seem autistic” proceed to treat me as they’d treat anyone else and are then surprised when I implode under the pressure of trying to “perform” as a neurotypical, I do much better when I’m comfortable being myself! I think that applies to everyone though!