I am at a very low point. I have been at low points before I know how it works and that I eventually pull myself out of it. This time I don't see how as the external stressors in my life are ones that I have no control over.
Mid 40s f, trauma in childhood, abusive relationships throughout my life, cptsd, mixed anxiety and depression, Perimenopause and a raft of physical issues and constant pain that I have no diagnosis of so far. Rhumertoligy appointment next month but I've been back and forth to doctors and specialists ince 2018 and been fobbed off every time. Suspect I'm autistic too after my middle child is and probably eldest but it was never picked up on.
3dcs eldest 23 has trauma (not from me) and issues with alcohol. Dropped out if uni during covid never got himself together and the alcohol has taken over, he's currently 'homeless' living in accommodation for homeless under 24s and they are trying to get him something sorted. As a family we have done everything we possibly could to help him and im trying to make peace with that but so far I can't. I feel like I failed him and now everytime he crashes downward I have a trauma response to it and can't cope. I was 22 when I had him, turned everything around in my life and did my absolute 100% best to raise him but it wasn't enough, again external factors beyond my control affected him greatly. He's an amazing person everyone who meets him agrees but he can't see it in himself.
Big age gap between him and his siblings. I married when he was 11 (together from when ds was 9) and had middle dc when ds was a week off 16. I thought I'd made it, I thought I'd surmounted the adversities in my life. I was wrong.
Marriage was abusive and ended in 2020 during covid whilst pregnant with 3rd dc
I struggled a few years, thought I'd pulled myself back together. I hadn't and had a breakdown 2 years ago. Feel like I'm heading the same way.
Middle child (7) is autistic and I'm finding it so difficult to parent her. She's aggressive and hits me all the time. I feel like I'm in another abusive relationship. Youngest dc (4) witnesses this and copies (she is not autistic) she gets scared of her older sisters meltdowns. I feel like she's going to be traumatised by it all.
I cant get a handle on anything and feel like it's me that's the issue as middle child plays up for me more than anyone else. I'm her safe space but that doesn't help me feel any better about it.
She has this thing where she says something needs to be done in a certain amount of time and if not I will be punished. Today I didn't do something in time and she set a punishment, it was to stand on one leg for 1 min. If I didn't do that she threatened that she would smack me every day forever. I told her I wasn't doing a punishment but she persisted. I saw a meltdown coming, I had to get her resdy for school and so I did it. Ok it was just standing on 1 leg for a minute but I actually feel violated.
I'm ill with a flue type thing and have no resilience at the moment. I feel utterly broken down and like id be better off not here. I tried my absolute best with eldest dc and don't have half the reserves of energy with my younger 2 so how in the world are they going to turn out ok and undamaged.
Before anyone says I should discipline middle child. I do but she activity seeks out punishment she asks to be hurt back when she hurts me and that is something I will not do. I was beaten as a child and I won't physically discipline my own children. She is autistic, rewards don't work, confiscating her things don't work, time out doesn't work. I've tried everything and nothing works. I'm scared of her and it shows.
I love her so much and I know she loves me but I don't know how much more if this I can cope with. All I see is years ahead of more of the same and she's going to suffer terribly with her mental health, the signs are already there. Youngest dc is going to be traumatised by everything going on around her and ds is probably going to continue on this downward spiral hes on. Ive failed in life and ive failed everyone around me and I just want to give up.