Never getting a break and it’s turning me into a horrible person

[dreadthenight]

I have two children, one is four and one is twenty months. I work three days a week when they are at nursery. Husband is often away in the week; he’s away now but even if he’s not he leaves just ss they’re up and comes back after they are in bed or nearly in bed. Weekends … well. I either have one child while he has the other, or we do something as a family, or I have both children while he does something essential tasks that need doing. These times seem to be getting more frequent.

So to cut a long story short I am never free.

If I go through today as a for instance, it’s a day I work so I get up at 6, get showered and dressed, DS woke at quarter past six and DD not long after, gave them both a bit of breakfast, got them dressed and teeth brushed etc, off to nursery, work myself 8-4, pick them up from nursery about 420, stopped at the shops for milk and things so home just before 5, they played and watched a bit of TV before the long bath and bed routine starts, in bed for half seven, I clear up downstairs (bloody needed it) then go to bed myself, DD wakes at midnight and just got her down … she may stay asleep and she may not, her sleep is unpredictable at best

DD is being very, very challenging at the moment, a lot of tantrums. I do try to stay calm but when you’re on your seventh tantrum in as many minutes because of some random thing it’s so draining and I don’t have any reserves left.

I’m so lonely and isolated with them; days off are pure survival and days in work I feel like I do a shift before and after work. And I dread weekends to be totally honest.

I feel like in so many ways we probably bit off more than we could chew with having DD … I loved her so much at first I’d have walked through fire but now nearly two years on the lack of sleep and the stress of parenting two children makes me feel like maybe we did make a mistake. I’m so down with it. Can’t see a way out.

I hope writing this post helped even a little to get this off your chest, Be kind to yourself. The youngest years are hardest and you are sleep deprived. You can only give so much. Is there any way to take a day off as holiday for you to recharge. Do something purely for you read a book, go for a walk, sleep go to cinema or see a friend. If you can book a holiday from work that day do not do anything in that time for anyone else. And talk to your partner. Suggest you both need me time. My partner and I do a points system and it works well. Even a couple of hours for you to recharge whilst partner takes them swimming then swap over (make it a regular part of the routine) and if you have any family or friends who would be happy to help out or even lend an ear then don’t be shy to ask.

Your life sounds similar to mine OP! I have 3 very young DC, and live abroad so no family support around me.

20 months is honestly the most difficult age imo. They can’t communicate, they become very headstrong and don’t respond well to being told ‘no’. I just came out of this with my middle DD (she’s 2.5 now) and I can’t believe how much easier it already is. Her tantrums were epic, and some days I just felt so defeated.

Is there a way to carve out some time for yourself? Another day or even morning at nursery for your younger one? I have a few pockets of time throughout the week, when I’m done with work and have a few hours before needing to collect the DC. Yesterday, I sat in the sun drinking a Coke Zero, listening to a podcast for an hour outside their school 😂. Sounds ridiculous but it really helped me recharge.

We’ve always had trouble finding good babysitters here, and have basically given up on that. But could you start building a babysitting network so you can get some time to yourself an evening per week perhaps?

Regarding the house, I’ve completely dropped my standards. We don’t live in filth, but I do the absolute minimum regarding cleaning, laundry etc. Dinner is something in the slow cooker served with rice 90% of the time. Everyone is fed and clothed, house relatively clean. That’s all I can hope for at the moment.

In any case, you’re at the most difficult time with your DC. It will get easier.

Absolutely been there OP. I agree with pp that this is the hardest time to get through.
Can you possibly stretch to a 4th day/half session at nursery?
My DC are adults now, but back when they were little, nursery was booked and charged in half days. I paid for a morning on a non-work day so I could get a big shop and batch cook done. (No computers back then, no grocery deliveries. DC1 hated the supermarket and screamed like a banshee all the way round.). It saved my sanity. We had very little money, no holidays at all, but that extra morning a week was worth every penny.

No solutions but solidarity. Your life is extremely similar to mine. I have a 3 year old and a 17 month old. Work 3 days a week in a demanding job. My parents and in laws think I’m short tempered and resentful because I’m so snappy, but they never really help. They’ll come over and play with the eldest but then I have to cook everyone dinner. And make the guest bed up too. The youngest is so clingy and won’t go to them. I’m so drained and so is my husband. We have no time for ourselves let alone each other. I do take random days off work but usually it’s for a reason like to get my hair done, and I never get a chance to just sit and clarify my thoughts on anything. It’s haaaaarrd

You need to grab an hour to yourself (or 2!) at the weekend while dh is around and before he finds an 'essential task'. How much does he look after them without you?

I remember those days so well and 20
months is such a difficult age. It sounds as though the problem if you’re really lacking any support. if you DH can’t help out during the week, is it affordable to add in an extra nursery day/get a cleaner once a week?

the other thing that worked well for us is we each took a slay in at the weekend. We would chose one day each, take a sleeping tablet and that morning it would be the other parent responsibility to sort the kids while the e other slept. It was heaven!

I could have written this OP. It’s relentless, it’s 5.30am and I’m awake with my baby, looking forward to a long day where I have to do it all over again. Days off? lol.

Hi,

I have felt like this.

Firstly, have you spoken to your husband about your feelings. Maybe show him this page as you're written it down clearly.

Ask to schedule some me time at the weekend when he has the children. I also have 2 children and they're slightly older (28 months and 6.5) The stress of it all lifted a bit when youngest D's was about 20 months but they're all different and he'd cry and cry as a baby but is less tantrumy as a toddler.

My DH finds from about 18-20 months he really has bonded more with our children is they're less all about mummy and more fun. If he plans something with them at the weekend in place of a family thing....

For the record I have asked my DH for this and he said how important the family time is. I've said how more important is it I have time alone and he accepted and took them out somewhere.

Good luck!

Also if I were you OP I would clean up (my mind is rested when it’s all tidy), put new bedsheets, take a week off work and spend the days in bed napping/ watching tv. I’m on mat leave now but I’m planning on doing a lot more of this when both kids are in nursery.

Could you take turns to have a little "me-time" at the weekend? Go for a coffee or a walk. Do you both get a lie in at the weekend, one on Sat and one on Sun?

We couldn't afford holidays so I used to take some AL days to give myself a whole week off just to get caught up and have a day to sleep. Or just read a book. You need to look at this as preserving your mental health. Little children generally hate holidays. They like being in their own beds and routine, so IMO it isn't worth it. Taking a non - nursery day off for a family picnic or something is much easier all round.

Your H sounds like a selfish shit who is hiding at work or on DIY tasks, to avoid the slog of looking after young kids , and so leaving it all to you.

I have a male friend in the Corpirate world and he has male friends who he says openly do this. Stay late at work with nothing to do so they don’t arrive home till after the kids bed time and take up hobbies to avoid the kids at weekend.

Have you talked to your H like you have here, so he can share the burden more fairly?

I can relate. I did this with two under two as a single parent and no support from family or ex, so there was never any time to myself and no family outings etc to help balance it. The sleep deprivation really did me in to the point I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I look back now and feel so sad that I couldn't enjoy them fully. But it does become easier really quickly and before you know it, they will be at school and you will be scrolling on your phone, looking at videos, wishing you could go back and enjoy this time again.

Thanks so much for the replies. I am
so encouraged by the fact so many have said this is the pinnacle of difficulty where DD is concerned, I feel like I could cope with the tantrums and frustration if she slept better but her sleep is so erratic.

@neverwakeasleepingbaby my husband thinks I’m snappy as well. And I am. I’m snappy, short tempered, overreact to small things. But it’s because I’m absolutely stretched to my limits. I do really worry all DS will remember about the time before school is an exhausted crabby mother.

Unfortunately my job is fixed hours; I can’t take annual leave, I have a holiday in two weeks but because of Easter I only get four days ‘off’ over the two weeks (when they are both in nursery)- still, definitely better than nothing.

I have tried to talk to DH about the imbalance of stuff so much and I get nowhere. I’ve given up. I don’t know what to do for the best. I could leave but that wouldn’t solve much; it would potentially give me a day off at the weekend but that feels like a very selfish reason to leave given the circumstances.

I think you need to put your foot down about time to yourself. DH is a very hands on dad but I needed some time when I was just by myself, otherwise it was either family time or me and my DC by myself. When she was a baby he started taking her out everyday for an hour after work, just a walk and on the weekends took her to the park as she got bigger on a Saturday morning. I stopped needing him to do that for me after a few years but I was really on the edge or burnout and I was depressed. He needs to take them both for a few hours every weekend so you can decompress. If you can do it then I’m sure he’s more than capable of it.

If you’re a teacher, that is also an emotionally and physically tiring job. Agree that you should add 1/2 day of nursery every day - you’ll benefit over the months.

It’s money; I just can’t stretch to the cost unfortunately.

I regularly make the mistake of comparing my two children. Eg I remember my oldest was delightful at 15 months, ate and slept well and had an amazing attention span could play alone for stretches. Then the tantrums started and they could be intense. My youngest at 15 months seemed much more a baby, also sleeping and eating badly. But now he's 2.5 he doesn't tantrum as much and his attention span and play is developing quickly. So each child is individual. I'm reading evidence based parenting book at the moment. Looking after yourself and your relationship is important.. don't be worried about some screen time so you can have a little bit of me time.

edited to remove the suggestion that you talk to your partner as I can see now that you have already tried that!!

On a purely practical level, I would think about picking your kids up a bit later on nursery days. They will be fine if you leave them until 5.30/6. Take that hour to do something for yourself - go and sit in a cafe with a magazine or go for a walk or call a friend.

The arrangement that we have on weekends is that for one morning, I take the kids out. The other morning my husband takes the kids out. One afternoon we take one child each to do something (age gap so they don’t have the same interests) and the other afternoon we do something all together as a family eg swimming. This means we each get a morning off to exercise/do jobs at home in peace and quiet. We both work full time and I would go insane without that morning to myself!

OP it's really tough.

I'm not sure why no-one is asking why your DH is entitled to time alone and you are not?

You don't need to ask him, you need to tell him. Nothing will change until you do.

Schedule in a weekly non moveable event - I joined a group that only meets Thursday evening for two hours every Thursday.

my husbands had to be home on time and then I dashed out the door! It is now known as my mid weeks sanity saver and I’m still going 10 years on!

being with grown ups and not being a just “joes” mummy was what I desperately needed.

The 'essential' jobs are less essential than you getting a break. He needs to give you several hours every weekend minimum. During the day, and him taking the kids out and letting you stay at home if that's what you want.

What are the essential jobs? Can you do them?

thb I just had to have several effectively tantrums for for my husband to understand that I was cracking up. He travels a lot too and was going on Saturday morning and coming back jet lagged on Friday night so I know how it is. He’s got a lot better now but it really was touch and go for a while.