name changed. My child's situation is giving me depression.

[Realisation14]

I wrote the following as a letter to myself. I wonder if anyone reads it would they have any advice for how I can make things better? I feel really low. Usually my problem is anxiety and don't get me wrong that shit is still there but this is the first time in my life I'm experiencing what I believe is depression also. I'm already on citalopram, have had CBT and counselling before, I could not commit to counselling again at the moment due to my son not being able to leave me for any length of time. I am currently flexi schooling him because he no longer copes at school either.

What am I going to do about my boy? It’s been a decade of parenting him and more letters/ conditions keep getting attached to him. RAS, ASD, VVS, Coeliacs disease, PTSD. I can’t manage it anymore.
He thinks I’m his saviour, his “make everything better” and if the last 12 months have taught me anything it’s that I can make none of it better, take none of it away. That means I fail; I fail the parenting challenge.

Everything I’ve tried hasn’t worked and he scares me. Not him, his conditions, they scare me. He’s the one living it and he’s only a 10-year-old baby and I can’t fix it so what is my purpose in this? He’s going to be stuck with anxiety for the rest of his life, just like I have been despite all the therapies and the self help and the medications. He’s certainly already stuck with the coeliacs and ASD for life. The RAS and VVS he may grow out of but let’s be honest he probably won’t. The PTSD, who knows if the EMDR will work – it’s the only thing I have hope for because I don’t already know that it’s a load of shit yet.

There are so, so, many amazing and positive things about my boy but all this stuff is starting to overshadow them. And then there’s me making it even worse if that’s possible by telling him he’s spending too much time on his ASD obsessions and living in a virtual world instead of the real one, making him think he’s not normal like other kids and destroying his little soul. Who the fuck am I to coax him out of his virtual world if it’s the only place he’s free from anxiety and feels happy – wouldn’t you want to spend as much time in that place if it did the same for you?

I’ve also been micromanaging his entire goddamn life and helicoptering him so no wonder he has no independence, no self-regulation and severe separation anxiety. Woman, you have ballsed this whole thing up for the last 10 years, majorly,

I know you did it all from a place of love, a place of worry, a place of instinct, a place of passion. But it’s been all wrong. How can I not have seen this?
You need to take a step back. But then how far is too far back? How much is too much to place on the shoulders of a 10-year-old with ASD and PTSD? I’m never going to get it right, am I? And even if I somehow managed to, its probably already far too late, isn’t it? A decade of doing it like this is probably ingrained so deeply in him that it’ll never break will it?
You’ve fucked it up Mama. Not on purpose, but you really, really have.

You poor thing, I'm sending you a huge virtual hug. Please, please be kinder to yourself.

You sound exhausted. Is there any chance of arranging some respite care - either formally or with family so that you can take a break?

Nothing is beyond fixing. Reach out and take any support you can. But this may be a case of fitting your own oxygen mask first before attending to the needs of others.

You are clearly a brilliant parent and your son is so lucky to have you fighting his corner. Take a step back and evaluate - is flexi schooling sustainable for you? If not, what are the other options? What programs and support is out there? It might not be perfect but if it gives you a little more rest and balance then it is definitely worth pursuing.

Good luck. Let yourself have time to acknowledge how low you are feeling then move on to the next step. You've got this 💐

@ditsyrose I am exhausted, permanently, mentally, physically and emotionally. The problem is that I can't get any respite due to his severe separation anxiety. He very rarely will even stay home alone with his dad and my husband is a great father he is absolutely not the problem, the problem is my son feels unsafe without me, thinks I can prevent his VVS and reassure him and regulate his emotions because he can't do it himself.

He's just begun with a therapist at CAHM's who is going to start EMDR therapy with him. I'm pinning all my hopes on it because I've tried everything else. I've tried a private child psychologist, I've tried slow exposure therapy, I've tried tough love, I've tried letting him dictate what he's comfortable with - none of the methods have worked.

He is such a bright, funny, sweet, brilliant boy but I've fucked it up by being too overbearing because his medical conditions scared ME. I have PTSD myself from my sister dying when he was a baby and it's really affecting my parenting choices and I can't believe I'm only seeing it now a decade later.

You haven’t failed anyone. First of all for some dc the ‘normal’ rules of parenting don’t apply. You have had to micro manage him as his needs required it. When to and how much to relinquish to him is an unknown. There is no right answer. You may go to far. You may not go far enough. Each scenario is different. All we can do is go with what we can live with at that moment. This tbf is no different for any parent but it’s just more unpredictable for our dc.

his coeliac disease is not something to be holding up as terrible. I have CD and it’s fine. It stops me eating a whole lot of crap and processed foods so there is a benefit to me. It’s at most, annoying. He’ll learn to navigate this. It’s not like a nut allergy. We won’t die instantly if we are glutened. As unpleasant as it is, the occasional gluten will not be devastating. Just horrible.

the ASD can of course be challenging. I have ADHD. Many of my friends are ASD or ADHD. Most of them didn’t know it until recently. Some aren’t diagnosed but we are sure they have one or the other. We’ve just gravitated towards each other. These are amazing people. Senior designers, scientist, veterinary surgeon, doctor, conservationist. They are the best people. We find our tribe. Some really struggled when young terribly. But they all say understanding and accepting and being allowed to be who they are would have helped when they were young.

I don’t know how affected your ds is with his ASD

feel completely overwhelmed too. My 3 dc have all had issues. 2 are adults now and rn today they are happy. Tomorrow who knows. But no one is immune to this. They know themselves better than most people do because they have to. I currently am navigating yet another storm with my youngest. Her anxiety is crippling. She likely won’t sit her a-levels this year as she’s missed too much school. We will figure it out. We aren’t on anyone else’s time frame.

I haven’t been calm. My anxiety is horrific at the moment but I try to remind myself that my dc are amazing good people. They contribute and they are smart and hilarious. The volatility with all of us is challenging. The adhd results in a lot of disregulated emotional behaviours. But we work at it. Our relationships with those in our tribe are fantastic.

you just look after yourself. Therapy. Medication. Walking. Whatever you need for yourself.

There is a big correlation with neurodiverse people + autonomic nervous system issues + anxiety. You are not alone and he is not unusual.
you are in the thick of it but you are battling for him. You are a great mother

@carrotsandtomatoes thank you very much for such a thoughtful response. I'm sorry your daughter is struggling and yourself with anxiety, it sounds like you have the right mindset though to navigate her through this period.

I find managing his anxiety extremely difficult, he has anxiety from the PTSD but his VVS also causes him anxiety. The coeliacs diagnosis is only 6 months old so I think it's still raw and with his ASD changing food has not been an easy process for him to cope with. He's also still within the healing phase, taking daily medications for lingering symptoms.

I just feel like I've helicoptered him his whole life due to the RAS, ASD and VVS and now I've created this scenario where he's anxious and feels he can't cope when away from me as I've over managed everything. I'm making a change on this, I'm not going to do it anymore, I'm going to really make an effort to step back and correct what I've created here.