BPD/EUPD/CPTSD

[LivelyGoose]

Not really sure what I'm looking to get out of posting on here. I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have a five and a half month old baby. I've been treated for depression and anxiety on and off since I was 17 (I'm 37 now) but was recently referred to a psychiatrist by my GP who has diagnosed BPD. I have some trauma in my childhood and my teenage years were extremely rough, with a lot of self harm and self destructive behaviours. This behaviour has carried on pretty much up until my pregnancy at 36. I had a rough pregnancy and terrible PND and I've now got this diagnosis. I keep reading terrible things about generational trauma and how BPD can be passed down, or badly affect parent, child relationships, and I'm terrified I'm ruining/am going to ruin my baby's life. I love him so, so much, I'm often so overwhelmed with love for him that I burst into tears. But I also have next to no patience and I get bouts of rage and extreme depression. He'sbonlyba babybnow but must be affected by this and obviously will be more so as he gets older. My partner is wonderful but obviously he's at work all day so can only help so much, and all of this is extremely hard for him to deal with too. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult as well and is dealing with that. I am so scared of turning into my dad and making my child scared and miserable because I can't regulate my emotions. This is especially difficult to do when I'm sleep deprived, which obviously I am just now what with having a baby. I feel so much guilt and like I've given my partner and child a life sentence. If I wasn't so worried about ruining their lives further I would kill myself. I feel so trapped and afraid about the future. Please, can anyone here eith BPD and children reassure me that this might somehow turn out OK?

Sorry that should say 'he's only a baby now but must be affected by this'

Please be kind to yourself.

I have a family member with BPD and have seen her struggles firsthand. She has vastly improved her quality of life by using lots of different strategies that are recommended for BPD. She couldn’t get to counselling so used a dialectic behaviour therapy work book which she bought on Amazon. She’s a fantastic mum. She has heightened her self awareness and takes good care of herself.

you sound like a lovely, reflective person. That’s a huge advantage when you have BPD. I’m sorry you have had a difficult time with your dad. However, look at what you’re doing - you are reaching out, you are ready to try things. You are not your dad.

sleep deprivation makes things 1 times harder- see what you can do to rest a bit more. Have you seen tGP recently? Sending hugs 🤗

10 times not 1 time 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you, it's reassuring to hear stories like that. My GP is absolutely dreadful and honestly just the thought of trying to arrange an appointment with them makes me feel worse. I have a keyworker as I'm now under the care of my local mental health team and I'm meeting her on Thursday. I've been prescribed medication but it just knocks me out and I obviously need to be conscious to look after my baby, it also has the potential to worsen a chronic autoimmune condition I already have (which also causes fatigue and depression, wonderful). There is no recommended or approved medication for BPD so it's all just guesswork and off label prescriptions at this stage. I'm hoping to be referred for DBT. I love my son beyond comprehension but he's going to realise soon that there is something very wrong with his mummy and I sometimes think it would have been better for him if he hadn't been born. I feel awful for thinking that.

Hi OP, I have CPTSD after childhood trauma and also had great difficulty regulating emotions. I highly recommend this workbook to get you started while waiting for referral to a DBT therapist. Best of luck to you and your family.

blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/9781684034581?gC=8ad8757ba&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADsTpASdL7Fw3uDDd-6JYkDUn12IE&gclid=Cj0KCQjwkN--BhDkARIsAD_mnIrNtm8UjcHZMTtrK9udnlLrCXRLU_G0mUlLd0spAjS60eSCnsS5a3oaAjEtEALw_wcB

Do you have a Care Coordinator/CPN, or just the psychiatrist? Wondering if therapy might reassure you better? DBT is what most Trusts offer for EUPD now, but the evidence is that it is no better than the other therapies that treat it (I'd recommend psychoanalytic psychotherapy, but the emotional regulation stuff from DBT can be good, especially if you're worried about your rages!). It might help you feel less hopeless and more in control of your parenting.

I’m not very good at giving advice but my life was very similar to yours but with help from friends and a lot of therapy and antidepressants I am thriving right now! The main piece of advice one of my lovely therapists gave me was if you’re worried about passing on generational trauma, the fact that you’re even worried means it’s so unlikely you would do this. The people that cause trauma don’t worry if they’re causing it or not but the care and love you have for your baby will always win over your past and never ever forget that.

it’s hard I know lovely but you’ve got this, my private messages are always open if you need x

Thank you all for your lovely and very helpful responses. I've been assigned a caseworker and we've spoken several times, I'm meeting her on Thursday this week (day after tomorrow). I've had 20+ of therapy on and off (psychodynamic and crappy CBT) and taken every SSRI under the sun (most recently sertraline for five years, which did nothing but I found it hard to come off of). I'm now on a low dose of antipsychotic (quetiapine) and hoping to start DBT and psychodynamic therapies asap depending on what my caseworker feels would be most beneficial.

@Dontbeme I will look at that book, thank you.

@mummysmagicmedicine Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. I love my son so much I just marvel at how my own father could make little-girl-me feel so unlovable and unsafe and how my mum was happy to just let him. I've made my partner promise to leave if he ever has serious cause for concern about the emotional or physical wellbeing of our son around me.

20 sessions of psychodynamic wouldn't touch the sides. You'd be wanting at least 100 for it to be effective, but it IS effective.

@BumpInTheNight69 I didn't mean 20 sessions, I've had 20+ years of therapy. I'm 37 and have been in and out of treatment since I was 16.

Ah, my mistake! A lot of NHS trusts seem to be limiting therapy sessions, so I assumed that was the case.

I wonder whether seeing a child psychotherapist (ACP Therapists) specifically around your parenting anxiety, might be something you would find helpful? It can be very easy to dismiss the reassurance of strangers, or friends, but impartial therapists can be harder to ignore. Most good therapists have low-fee spaces, too.