Self harm in 50’s

[Starlightstarbright4]

I have a long history off self harm and overdosing .

I haven’t done either in over 18 years.. I have been struggling with thoughts with thoughts of self harm for 5/6 months .. I have been under enormous stress for many years .. None that is really resolvable or under my control . I have a child with additional needs , Lp and lots of health issues.So lots of stress. My Gp is aware . Medication is very limited for mood as i have had Serotonin syndrome .. Gp has prescribed me diazepam to cope …I am doing stress management through Talking therapies.

however last week I Self harmed twice . I don’t intend to discuss it with Gp further . There is nothing that can be done.

I am struggling to understand myself why I have lost control - worried I have gone down a black hole .

i have the numbers for crisis line . Mh line but saw no point phoning - in previous years the advice has been go for a walk , drink a cup of tea , flick an elastic band.. None of which seems helpful when I am completely overwhelmed ..

Has anyone else experienced this found a way out of this cycle ?

Oh bless you. Before I had my DD I was a "functional" self harmer as in I did it regularly but kept a job etc. I've managed broadly to abstain since I had DD as I'm terrified social care will intervene.

First of all forgive yourself for having a blip. Make sure if you are going to self harm you have a care kit - clean blades, stereostrips, dressing pads and germoline. Particularly germoline as it has local anesthetic so stops the itching as it heals.

Secondly try and understand your triggers. If you think of SH think "ah why did my brain go there?". Be curious. Open up to your therapist about it.

You need a safe space to talk it through with, so you can understand the need and what emotional release it gives you.

Sending hugs

Thank you . I stopped when I got pregnant .

I really thought this was something in my past ..

I have a job, function very well through the day - it’s nights that I start to overthink everything and my head goes to dark places .

i am doing CBT and honestly feel they are trying to fit my issues into there boxes . They don’t fit . It’s the only real option in the nhs and don’t have money to pay for therapy myself .

i find searching online it seems to be aimed at teens which makes me feel even worse i should be able to cope because i am a grown up .

There’s no “should” here OP. This is your reality and there’s nothing to be ashamed of because of your age.

Youve mentioned some things that haven’t worked- being told to have a cup of tea when you’re in overwhelm must be so frustrating. What has actually helped in the past? Anything?

I self harm every day. I haven’t really found anything that helps but I always make sure I do it just before a shower so it gets a good clean. I’m 50.

I don’t think anything ever did really . I stopped when pregnant . Probably a fear of Ss getting involved and I do remember having bloods taking an Ds flipping around my womb when the needle went in . Watching my blood coming out was very relaxing but didn’t want my Ds to ever feel the same .

I don’t want to self harm continually . It seems to be at night . I do find if I am overwhelmed I take diazepam and then by morning it has passed till next time .

I do find delaying is my best resort , I can logically think about it in the day - know self harm is a very short term solution and will only last so long . But at night if I don’t take diazepam when the feelings come it’s hard to sleep . I am just aware how addictive it is so try to manage without .

I am struggling to understand myself why I have lost control - worried I have gone down a black hole

At some point in your past self harm would have (seemed to) make sense; whether as a coping strategy, a way of being accepted by a person/group that was important to you or as a way of being in control of something when you had no other control. I'm guessing you know all this and probably have a good idea of the origin.

There's a part of your subconscious mind that has reverted to that strategy because either it worked before or to let others know that you are in trouble. It's a bit like a smoker being convinced that having a cigarette will somehow help in a difficult or stressful situation. It never does. (I can say that as a smoker for 50yrs).

Does this resonate with you?

It does to a degree .. There is a huge sense of shame about self harm - probably an element of addictiveness about it tool .

i would say it still works calming my brain . It means, i can get a nights sleep rather than staying up all night with anxiety although diazepam does do the same .

Yes, if there wasn't some element of effectiveness but it's hugely outweighed by the downsides - it is possible to change to a less drastic way of self soothing.

I litterally have no idea .. since I had Serotonin syndrome my anxiety has gone through the roof .

If I can have a clear enough mind to think to take the diazepam - that gets me through so I can work things through in the day .. although my second incident of self harm was completely impulsive . I am not sure what would have changed that .

3 months later and I am self harming about once a week .

I have been told I am too complex for primary services but CMHT seem as much use as a chocolate fireguard …

it’s a phone call fill out a form and wait . It’s exhausting.

@Starlightstarbright4 sorry to hear that you are still finding things difficult. I understand it is frustrating, but it is good that you are trying to access help.

I wish I was able to offer some advice but this is not something I have any experience of.

I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope things improve soon.

I might try and address the sleep issue - so you are treating a more treatable symptom which is a trigger for the bigger issue of SH.

I'm an overthinker at night but have a few strategies.

Obviously there's the sleep hygiene stuff (the book Why We Sleep is brilliant for understanding the why of all of it).

For actual insomnia you need a plan.

Some people get up and do stuff - mine is cleaning and decluttering as it's displaces all the frustrated energy, isn't mentally demanding, and bonus is that stuff gets done.

I also try and make myself feel safe- weighted blanket, listening to sleep stories. Also a double bagged camomile tea. A weekly soak in an Epsom salts bath does seem to help too.

Please don't feel any shame - shame is the barrier to learning and progress.