At the end of my tether with life

[Digglesthedog]

I am classed as having a severe mental illness. And I have a very long history of self harm over 20 years (since I was 8 or so). And I have a history trying to kill myself.

Im Just totally fed up. Like my psychiatrist is only contactable Monday-Friday, and naturally it’s Friday evening. NHS 111 mental health line (Scotland) is a waste of time. The only time I phoned they just said to contact your psychiatrist, which is helpful when it’s a Sunday morning.

all I want to do is self harm. Everything seems like an absolute waste of time. I’m actually still surprised I’m almost 30. Genuinely thought I’d be dead by 10/13/16/18/21 etc. nothing to do with me being 30 nearly I don’t think. But fuck I’m just surprised.

i don’t even know what the answer is. Like what is the actual point. My actual life is not that bad really, I’ve everything I need practically and largely emotionally support wise and in life. But my brain has just always been against life. I feel like my brain is not compatible with life. And I just feel in an awkward position.

please excuse my capitalisation errors etc, mumsnet no longer capitalises stuff properly and I cannot be fucked doing it myself.

Have you contacted your crisis team - does Scotland have this as well as England? I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. Is there anything they can do for you like review your medication or offer some therapy support’? If you’re well enough not to need hospital and not in an active crisis, then they likely wont feel you need them urgently. My Mum only sees her psychiatrist once a year and that’s often cancelled. She does have a CPN though who’s very supportive and sees her monthly and will see her more frequently if she’s really struggling.

Well you sound like you have epic self awareness- your availability of your psychiatrist is clearly an issue; can you change or tell them this is a real problem for you and that you need a better solution- either a second contact you can call on or someone who is available the weekends because this is a time you are more in need.

Secondly I wondered what other support you have in place; family, friends, groups, faith, hobbies etc. Even small things like a self care routine that gives you a small moment of focus and perspective. I wondered if you were someone with high standards from your post… if yes, remember that you’re already working hard and that you deserve some slack and some kindness. Do something nice for yourself @Digglesthedog even if it’s a small gesture. What do you enjoy? Do more of that. During a low patch I read Cheryl Strayed tiny beautiful things and thought it was really helpful. There’s a podcast spin off aswell. I like gardening… seems pointless but seems to help me mentally! And crochet. Anything with my hands gets me out of dark moment. Breathing exercises also very helpful in the bad moments. Good luck to you. Xox