Self worth - counsellor said I have zero - how to work on it

[pontipinemum]

I've searched for answers on this but it is all about self - esteem.

I had a session today and the counsellor said that I have zero self worth. Or very little and I go on highs and lows.

I suppose on reflection I would say I have extremely poor self worth. A LOT of bad things have happened to me starting with abandonments by both parents as a small baby (dad fully, mum partly). A lot of confusion growing up around that and my self worth. I did live with my mum for a few years. But throw in her a negligence mainly due to being more interested in alcohol and her career, along with an emotionally controlling, manipulative step 'dad' who while thankfully never did the worst did sexually abuse me as a child. Also an alcoholic.

I suppose I just feel that it is OK for bad things to happen to me. It's fine like, it doesn't matter. If it doesn't happen to other people then there is nothing to worry about. If a friend told me some of their childhood stories and they were like mine I would feel empathy. But I have no empathy for myself.

The counsellor also said I am extremely hard on myself. But I don't really think I am.

It's like I think I am only pretending to be a good person. In reality I know I'm not pretending. I often go out of my way to help people or to do 'community' things but don't look for recognition. I am a good mother (even if I doubt it a lot and have PND) I am a decent wife. I am good at my job, my manager tells me frequently but I am still always worried I'll be fired!

Anyway back on point sorry for the essay. What can I do to work on my intrinsic self worth? Logically I know I am a worthwhile human but in my core I feel very worthless

There are lots of pieces to the puzzle. For example, you start to put your needs first instead of automatically viewing others as more important.

Start saying no to things you don't want to do. Make time for self care. Look after yourself. Treat yourself with respect.

I have zero experience of this but I came across compassion-focused therapy (CFT) when trying to support a friend who has very low self-esteem. I don’t know about funds obviously to pay for someone who specialises in this but is this something you could look into or discuss with your counsellor?

@Maitri108 self care is something I do need to do a lot more of. I have 2 very young children so easier said than done but I need to start. There are a few things I used to enjoy before having kids so I think I will take something back up. Also I've been making more time to nurture good friendships.

@circleback I am in Ireland and using a state funded counsellor right now. I get it for free because of the child abuse. I wouldn't like to go to two counsellors but I will ask her about it. She is very good

What can I do to work on my intrinsic self worth?

Start with learning about your core beliefs. These are the 'truths' about how you see/think about yourself, about other people and the world at large. This guide -

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

and these videos

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are a good start. They will help you find the changes you need to make which will help to decide on the right type of therapy (which may well be your current counsellor).

My self esteem was awful and in the toilet my core beliefs were so low about myself. My therapist asked me to write my younger self a letter, telling her about herself and how great she will be when she gets older, what she accomplishes, what she likes, who she is - that definitely helped as when i looked at a photo of little me - i couldnt say all tje awful things to her so I told her about her strugggles but emphasised the wins - encouragingher to try and explaining why certain things werehard or ways we made change, then i had to read it out loud to my therapist and then she read it back to me, it had been my mums voice in my head and now slowly and surely its mine; adult me encouraging little me.

Journalling, which is something for just you. Writing down the positives of the day, and the positives that you bring to the world. There will be many, you just haven't learned to find them yet.

You can find journal prompts online:

dancingthroughtherain.com/self-worth-journal-prompts/

Maybe it would help to imagine someone you care about (a friend, or your kids as grown-ups) being in the situations you're currently in, and having those feelings of worry and low self-worth.

I don't mean that you should be distressing yourself with these imaginings. I just mean that, when you think about other people, it can be really obvious that those feelings would be ridiculously unwarranted and that those people are worth far more than that. And so are you. You would feel the injustice if someone you loved was in that situation. You deserve better as well.

Take care of yourself as if you were your own child. You are as precious and valuable as they are.

I am working on this too but can't get the right kind of therapy at the moment, so thanks for the thread! I kept hearing people say "focus on you" and "treat yourself" etc and realised I had never really found time to even figure out the basics; which puddings do I actually like best? Favourite flavour of soup? A hobby or something I can do that isn't about making money or impressing someone else/posting on line? It all sounds a bit weird but I have always thought of myself as easy going - now I see I actually just was scared to make things difficult for others by refusing food or trying new things in case I came across as rude if I didn't like it as a child then "went with the flow" with partners...sounds weird now I've typed that out. Hopefully you know what I mean. It's quite exciting doing random experiments (I treated myself to 2 slices of cream cake in different flavours last week to check if I like chocolate based cream cake or fruit- that was a highlight!).

So many weird things I hold myself to that I'd not expect of others (time keeping/generosity to a fault - giving away things I need or lending things I never get back to people I barely know/over sharing to try to make others feel at ease with their trauma etc etc). For me a big part of it it's slowly recognising why I do things, why they make me feel bad and why I keep doing them. How to look at things and imagine myself saying "No" as a full sentence with no explanation needed. If you can imagine yourself doing it differently it can help step towards actually doing it.

It’s moment to moment work, getting to know what feelings are coming up for you in the here and now. And then validating those, reassuring yourself that you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. You could have an ‘inner critic’ telling you you’re not allowed to feel your feelings, and it can take a lot of time to unpick that so that you can really hear yourself, so first step might be to just try to start noticing what your inner monologue is like. So journalling/counselling both help - counselling especially, as the therapist can bring attention to where you might be squashing your feelings down without realising it.

Start in the day to day, just listening to what you want and what you feel to begin with, and then trying to honour your feelings. It might be tiny things like… I don’t want pasta for dinner, I don’t want to go to that social event, I want to be by myself today, I feel annoyed at what that person said to me, I feel tired, I need a rest. Remind yourself that all of those things are okay to feel and need.

you don’t necessarily have to act on everything you feel - just bring awareness to it to begin with.

best self care is emotional - it’s this work of paying attention to how you feel. Not bubble baths and spa days - though they’re nice to take care of the body too! But your body starts to feel a lot better and less tense anyway when you don’t have the internal restriction going on anymore.

@JeanPaulGagtier I relate to what you say! I remember it feeling like a revelation that I could excuse myself from a conversation if I needed the loo exactly when I wanted to, rather than waiting til the last minute! The things we suppress just to please others :/

Yes! I think my mum was very keen on manners and I never fully grew out of not feeling like the adult in the room, somehow. I also was her only entertainment for a lot of years and think trying to make conversation led me to oversharing as she was very isolated. It's great when you can see these insights and then recognise them next time you start doing them!

One tiny thing thats actually really helped me is to stop apologising so much. Saying thank you for eg waiting instead of sorry for this, sorry for that feels much better. Zoe Blaskey’s book Motherkind where I read this tip has had a really beneficial effect on my self worth, may be worth looking to see if you fancy it.

Thanks everyone for getting back to me.

@JeanPaulGagtier yup I get that, when I think back on ex boyfriends I often went along with things they liked. Not always bad things but like following the football, I have no interest in football! But then others that were worse after breaking up with a l.term boyfriend a friend said he had controlled most what I did. But not in a you must to xyz sort of way. He just used to know what to say in order to make sure we always did what he wanted.

Do you ever feel hugely exhilarated when you do something you want to do without taking anyone elses feelings into it?

Here are things that have helped me:

1. Digging back very deep into memories and thinking really analysing where thoughts like 'I don't matter' etc come from. Name those parts of yourself and think of them as their own individual parts of your mind. Then when you get thoughts like that you can think 'oh, my inner child/teen etc is in the driver's seat like that now'. Approach those parts of yourself with compassion and curiosity. It's hard to empathise with your adult self sometimes, but it's easier if you remember you're actually loving your young self in a way you might not have experienced.

2. Accept each and every feeling. There's no such thing as a bad feeling. Treat them kindly. Especially look out for feelings of flatness/depression as these are often unprocessed feelings like sadness. Practice unconditional love to yourself. Validate and treat every feeling with care and love. Sometimes you can literally feel feelings getting stuck, like that odd feeling in your throat when you want to cry but push it down. Don't push things down! And when you do, think very hard about what barriers are stopping you from expressing feelings.

3. Every time you have a bad though about yourself, challenge it. Ask, is that really true? Is it really true I'm a burden? Is there something in the past that has made me feel like that sometimes? It takes a lot of practice as those thoughts are often automatic.

4. Think about what your boundaries are in relationships and stick to them.

5. Really get to know yourself. The good and bad bits. Get to know them all, and accept them.

6. Don't apologise for who you are, either your personality or what you enjoy. Spend time learning what you enjoy and building a strong sense of self.

I've had psychodynamic therapy for years and we do a lot of work talking about my inner child, thinking about it's feelings and when it's triggered and why. Getting to know myself has been the best thing therapy has done for me.

It sounds like your relationship with your counsellor is really good, so stay with this and lean into the work with them. Hopefully in time this reparative relationship will strengthen your self worth and self esteem. I agree with the poster above, it may be helpful to try to find out where these thoughts have come from and then also at times to decide that you just want listen to them anymore. Good luck OP. Awareness is such an important step forwards.

I totally get what you're talking about about, I'm working on self esteem in therapy. Iv lost my voice, my thoughts and choices over the years, I'm lucky in the fact it's me that's let it happen, my partner and family aren't imposing their decisions on me, although they probably will find some of my choices not as accommodating now.
I am trying to carve out time for myself to relax, do activities, but also a simple no thanks! to others when they ask if I want to join them in something I have no interest in. I do feel lost and unsure of what I actually want, but therapy will help me find my way.

@toottoot3 Do you ever feel hugely giddy when you do something you want then even if you know it's not what the other person wants? I'm talking about completely mild things. A few weeks ago I needed to go to the shopping centre, I was about to ask my DH for permission (not that he controls me even slightly or would say no) but I stopped myself. I said I need to go shopping, I'll be about 2 hours. I know he wasn't too happy, we usually get the toddler to bed then watch Netflix. I did bring the baby with me though.

Start with self compassion. It's easier to find than self worth, because it doesn't place any burden of judgement. When we have zero self esteem, it's too easy to think: I don't deserve nice clothes, home, healthy food, fair pay, loving friends and partnered.

But people with low self esteem are often quitekibnd and compassionate to others,dso it's easier to start by simply doing compassionate things to yourself, no need to assess whether you deserve them.

Start small daily routines: healthy breakfast, shower, teeth, hair, clean clothes that fit. Pick a room in your home and make sure it is clean, comfortable and add a focal item that lifts spirits: flowers on the window sill, nice soap and clean towel in bathroom, clean bedding, fresh water, a good book waiting in the bedroom etc.

Build up to habits that impact your life in the wider world. E.g. practise saying, 'Let me think about it' or 'Let me check my diary' or 'I'm too busy right now' or 'That's not going to be possible' - phrases I bet don't come easily to you, so that you are not people pleasing and overcrowding your life, taking care of people or things you don't really care for!

Then when there's space in your head, your diary, your home, gradually experiment with filling them with things you do wanttry.do or try. Don't expect them all to be a success but simply living by making choices for yourself, decisions based on your own wishes, these will radically shift your way of life.

Hey, remember to take small steps. You’re never going to be able to go from zero self-worth to a hundred overnight. But what you can do is start to just catch yourself when you’re thinking badly about yourself. Be curious about it, challenge it. I love that you can identify areas where you do shine - in your local community, as a mum, wife, employee. Then comes self-compassion. If you were never shown compassion as a child, it can feel especially difficult to feel it towards yourself. Again, this is where practice comes in. I’ll link to a fantastic Ted Talk by Dr Kristin Neff - she literally has a PhD in self-compassion! It’s really worth a watch (or several watches!)

it’s great that you’re in therapy and that you have a good relationship with your therapist. That feels like a huge step in itself. Is it time-limited or open-ended? With so much childhood trauma, I really hope it’s the latter. Your thoughts, beliefs and behaviours have taken a lifetime to form, so it’s going to take time to learn to love yourself.

My kids are grown up now so it is me off doing things myself, and yes I can feel giddy doing something myself, not being accountable for anyone else.
In therapy I'm struggling to find what I actually want from myself cause I have buried my feelings (family Truma/others mental health)
Iv started by using the words others use freely - no, I can't do that, I don't have time, could you not pick it up on way home? If someone has a reason they cant do a job, doesn't mean it just falls to me to do.

@pontipinemum I meant to directly reply to you!

@WinterFoxes I am very guilty of doing things I don't want to do. One particular work experience stands out. My boss would come in and moan about his personal life for hours (I am not exaggerating) get me to do his personal admin, even got me to book car parking at the airport etc. Then would casually ask if I had the accounts ready (the work I was employed to do). Well no I don't because YOU have taken up all my time. So I'd stay late/ come in early to get it done.

@ClarabelleRose I'm not really sure how long I get. I was referred in November because of a very bad 'episode' with the post natal depression. I was told wait times are often up to 8 months. I was assessed and immediately offered 6 sessions in order to 'stabilise' me. But she said then we will be continuing.

@toottoot3 if I say no I usually think I need to justify why I won't do something. But I don't have to. I need to take a leaf out of my toddlers book, when he doesn't want to do something he says 'no I fine'

I've never had counselling so excuse my ignorance but didn't they suggest ways to work on this?

I would ask her in the next session. It feels really important to me that you know how long you can expect to have. If it’s only for a limited period, it’ll be helpful for you to know so that you can focus on one or two specific areas. I would suggest that self-compassion should feature pretty highly.

@pontipinemum the not justifying is difficult to do,I can come and go as I please, but want to check with everyone it's ok before I do something for myself, as it feels extravagant! I'm still struggling with it.
I try to listen to others when they are complaining about having too much on to deal with themselves, usually I would offer to deal with task, now I offer advice to how they could fit it better into their time, rather than me absorbing it into my day, which would leave me in the same predicament as them. I might still take it on, but discuss with them how that will effect me, so at least it's obvious I'm assisting, I deserve a thank you and better management so it's not back at same situation every time.
I still want to be helpful to loved ones, but not a silent background person who sorts others problems/issues/responsibilities to my detriment.
In a loving, caring environment this should be achievable without much fuss