Those who have made big mistakes in life, how have you gotten over it/forgiven yourself?

[MumNo2]

We recently moved house and had a second child in the space of a few weeks. We realise now that this was a huge mistake, and the house isn't what we thought it was. As a result, we've had to move in with my parents with our 3week old and Toddler, and will have to put the house back on the market swiftly.

In time, I want to reflect on this period and believe that everything happens for a reason, that we did the best we could in the situation with the information we had, that its such a small period of time in the grand scheme of things, and that everyone makes mistakes. I'm sure people make worse mistakes and don't have the support that we have to get through it.

Have you made a big mistake in life that you seriously regret? How did you forgive yourself and process it? How do you reflect on it now?

I married Mr Wrong-for-me, who was a perfectly decent, lovely man who loved me, but I didn’t love him but married him anyway, in quite a big way. I ended things less than a year in and he must have felt so humiliated.

I regretted marrying him from the start - but I never regretted ending it, though I know I caused so much hurt and was very unhappy myself for a long time. It was, belatedly, the right thing to do.

I have wanted to move house for years but am terrified of getting it wrong, so am stuck. You’ve at least done it! And it will sort itself out.

we did the best we could in the situation with the information we had

You nailed it yourself! That's how we learn, from our mistakes.

Years ago now I made a right mess of a ‘relationship’ and hated myself for ages afterwards. Instead I should have accepted the end of it, but didn’t. It took me twice as long to get over it but it taught me a lesson. Time for me was a great healer. Also I’d say please don’t beat yourself up, we all make mistakes.

Someone once said to me that, if you do something once, it isn’t a mistake, whatever the outcome. It’s just you making the best decision you can on the info then available. But I hear you OP. I hate making decisions in case I get them ‘wrong’ but most things can be changed if, as it turns out, they aren’t meeting your needs. Nothing is for ever……

Which is all very wise when yes, I too ruminate and beat myself up. I know it’s pointless and that what I’ve said is true but it’s hard to change my own habits!

"Actually, we're OK."

Really powerful words.

Now: You made a mistake, but that doesn't change the fact that you are OK. Making a mistake is just that - a mistake. It doesn't make you bad or stupid. Recognising that you made a mistake and looking for ways to address that and improve things - that's OK, that's good.

Later, weeks/months/years later: You survived. You coped, in whatever fashion. And you're OK. That horrible time is now an episode in your personal history.

Life would be dull if you never made any mistakes, if nothing ever went wrong to challenge you. Mistakes and challenges give you the opportunity to prove to yourself that, actually, you're OK.

I'm in my 70s so of course I've made mistakes. Some trivial, some life changing for others And me.

And of course I regret my mistakes, but for me, true regret involved learning from this mistakes and trying never to make them again.

Regret without learning, is a useless emotion. Use your regret to learn a lesson.

Having said that, buying the wrong house doesn't speak to a major catastrophe to me. Maybe I'm wrong and it is for you.

we did the best we could in the situation with the information we had

That's all anyone can do. I opened the door to the man who violently raped me in my own bed because based on the information I had...he was perfectly safe. For a long time, guilt and anger at my own stupidity ate me alive. The passage of time and lots of therapy made me consider "faced with the same information I had, would anyone else have done anything different". In my specific circumstances the answer would likely be no.

Everyone makes mistakes.

I ruined a very successful career in my 20's. I blotted it out for the next 20 years by abusing myself, substances you name it. I am now significantly poorer, but more at peace and true to myself. The only thing that pisses me off about the whole situation, I was international news was that my professional body chose to make an example of me rather than support me. They made the situation 1000x worse and I hope their attitude has changed. I know as certain high up people chose to use me as an example of how wonderful they were as I was cannon fodder, young, slim, attractive. They succeeded. I never read a thing that was published on the radio about it. I do still resent them (the professional body)

I had a relationship with the wrong person when I was 20, the result of which was the end of a marriage. I wasn’t the cause of the divorce, but I was the catalyst. There were no children involved.

I was young, I was naive, I was completely infatuated. I made a massive mistake which cost me some valued friendships and resulted in a lot of anger & resentment. It was a horrible time, and sadly the fallout was not limited to the three people directly involved.

I can’t change the past, obviously, but I accept my share of the blame for what happened. I learned some very hard lessons at a very young age which I have never forgotten and which made me a better person. I have never done anything like that again, and I never will.

There’s a movie called Bridge of Spies in which Tom Hanks is a lawyer briefed to represent Mark Rylance who’s charged with treason, which is punishable by execution. The lawyer is frustrated and baffled by his client’s composure and seeming inability to care. The lawyer asks ‘why aren’t you upset/angry/throwing stuff?’ and Mark Rylance shrugs and asks him ‘would it help?’

I think of this often, or at least used to when I would spiral and fret about my decisions and catastrophise about the future. All that energy and anxiety - does it help? No.

OP, I have not been able to forgive myself for my biggest mistake, but with time I have managed to live with myself. How? I think it has been: the passage of time, appreciation of the small things in life, and gratitude for the things that haven’t gone wrong.

External validation helped me in the early days…in your case, it would be things like your friends and family consoling you that you made the best decision you could in the circumstances and that they would have done what you did, etc.

As you’ve written, people make worse mistakes, including me…my biggest mistake was a really enormous one that your situation pales in comparison to.

Sending hugs to you - based on what you’ve written I do believe that you will find your way through this patch.

I hope living with your parents isn’t too tricky and am sending warm congratulations on the birth of your second baby xx

Op I sympathise re the house, I bought something 6 months ago that I thought was great, turns out not so great and nightmare neighbours.

@MumNo2

I'm intrigued as to why the house is so awful that you've had to move out with a newborn?

We all make mistakes. We make the decisions at the time with the knowledge and experience we have at that point in time. It's easy to look back with hindsight.

I've made plenty of mistakes but no point crying over spilt milk

OP, just remember that in the grand scheme of things this is a small mistake. You'll sell and move to a more suitable house. It'll have cost you a bit of money, but nothing more. It won't impact your life years down the line. You'll laugh about this someday.

Accept that we do the best we can, and learn from your mistakes, and move on. Dwelling on this will make you unhappier than the actual mistake.

Thanks everyone. I have been reading and rereading your posts as a source of strength. I've even written some of them down in a notebook to look back at. I hope I can look back on this time in a year in a happier place.

@iamnotalemon the reason we've moved in with my parents is because I developed severe postnatal depression and PTSD as a result of the stress of the conveyancing process (which was terrible) and the move. Within a day of returning from hospital with our newborn, we had to have emergency plumbers and electricians out on the house, and have had Workmen coming and going ever since, whilst I was cornered off in one room of the house surrounded by boxes basically looking after the newborn alone. I stopped eating and sleeping, I became anxious and depressed. I basically became traumatised by the situation. I'm now quite scarred by the house and almost have a panic attack at the thought of having to return to it. Objectively, I know we're in a very fortunate position but it's not just me being a bit fussy, it made my mental health so bad I was close to hospitalisation. I'm struggling to see how I will forgive myself for this mistake (moving before baby) when we loved our old house and the decision to move has resulted in us losing the home we love, buying a house we hate and has traumatised me, and spending the newborn period/maternity leave with my parents trying to get my sanity back, selling the house and trying to find a new one.

@MumNo2

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it. Are you feeling a bit better? It must be extremely tough. Your mental health is most important though x

That sounds really hard- you poor thing. How are things now you’re with your parents? Are you having treatment for your PND?

I got sacked from my job of 28 years at Christmas for being late back off my brews and having my phone on me. I hated myself for quite a bit but now I'm thinking it was perhaps the push I needed. Luckily we have savings to fall back on until I find something else.

We do what we think is best at the time.

We may get wiser and can look back in hindsight but all we can say is we made the best decision at that moment in time.

I don't have regrets as everything that has happened has led me to where I am now.

All we can do is learn from these things, they DO make us more rounded as people, and try and make better decisions in future. But accept there are things we will decide now that we may regret in future. We are always getting wiser.

I’m clinging to “a bad outcome is not always the result of a bad decision” … most people make the best decisions they can given the information & choices they have, in the context of history and experience and a whole load of intangible influences. We don’t intend our decisions to be disasters!

When there is a bad outcome punishing ourselves for it doesn’t make us more able to deal with it. Some outcomes are actually unpredictable & sometimes unlikely outcomes actually occur. I think it gives people comfort to believe we have total control over our lives - that we can protect ourselves from all the bad & scary stuff if we are clever enough or sensible enough or work harder.

When shit stuff does happen believing it’s all your fault, you’ve failed & you should be blamed or punished for it just makes you less able to cope and move on. That self-hatred and over emphasis on failure won’t lead to good decision making in the future.

I tell myself this a lot at the moment!

And there’s often someone who’ll come along and say “well I won’t have done that - it was obviously not the best thing to do” … maybe, but they are speaking with the hindsight knowledge of your experience! Each of us has a unique set of life experiences & influences - the decisions we make can’t be isolated from those (neither good nor bad).