Does this sound like PND to you?

[WiseUmberAnt]

Hi everyone,

I had my first baby four months ago. At first I felt great, but now I’m wondering if I’m sliding towards PND territory or if it’s all a normal part of being a mum? Could you tell me what you think?

• I often feel anger/rage - not towards the baby, but in my body, at small things like the dog barking at the door and waking the baby up, or at someone driving too fast near us when I’m out with the pram. I feel like I stomp around town with the pram each day in a permanent gloom/grump.

• I’m struggling with the shifted relationships after having a baby, e.g. MIL/SIL. MIL was great before the baby arrived but then spent his first weeks taking him off me/out of the room/not giving him back when he cried. She gets coldsores and I was very worried about her passing them on to the baby as she wasn’t being careful - apparently she didn’t know they were contagious or harmful and didn’t notice she had them. After DH and I spoke to her about this, SIL seemed to start to blank me and the baby when we saw her. I suddenly feel really isolated/ostracised in a family I previously got on well with. I expected to find my own family tricky (history of emotional abuse/neglect), but it’s shocked me how much things have changed with my ILs. I think having a baby has both changed the dynamic massively and also opened my eyes to some behaviours that I’d either overlooked or not noticed before.

• As above, being (overly?) worried about DS catching coldsores/herpes. It probably got to the stage where it was actual health anxiety, but it’s lessened a bit now since DH spoke to MIL. But a few weeks ago I was checking DS’ skin for lesions, worrying that conjunctivitis was actually herpes in his eye, worrying that I’d somehow caught it and given it to him without realising.

• Feeling alone. I’m EBFing DS so I’m by default the default parent. DH is out of the house at work from 6am-6pm usually, and I do all the night wakings. I go to baby groups with NCT mums and have other friends close by with older children, but I still feel alone, and actually quite often I’d rather be alone, I think? I know that doesn’t really make sense, sorry.

• Not feeling ‘seen’, including by my own family. I know new babies are lovely and cute, but nobody aside from my friends with older children has actually asked how I’m doing. My ILs and own family only really ‘see’ DS. I feel particularly surplus to requirements if we see my ILs with DH, as it’s as though if DH and DS are there, I’m not needed. People see DS as a nice toy to have a turn with, rather than as a person.

• Small things making me cry. We walked through town yesterday and a restaurant had a sign outside for mother’s day lunches. Why would that make me well up? But it did!

Does this sound like PND? I’ve been a bit prone to up-and-down MH due to my upbringing, so I don’t know if this is normal for four months in, or if it’s something I should speak to someone about.

I also don’t know what I want to happen? I exercise when I can, get some sleep when I can, I can’t change DH’s working hours or how my ILs are, so realistically what could change/improve?

Sorry for rambling! Any advice gratefully received!

Just thought of another thing, sorry

• Constantly worrying I’m a crap mum but simultaneously not trusting anyone else to look after DS how I’d do it/how I’d like him to be looked after. I can’t bear the thought of MIL having him (she repeatedly offered to have him so I could exercise and it got to the stage where she almost seemed annoyed that I kept saying no and seemed to make out that I was being silly, but he was so little I didn’t want to leave him). My mum gets right up in DS’ face even when I’m trying to get him to sleep. Even DH does things I’d rather he didn’t do, like sit DS up facing the TV or scroll on his phone rather than interacting with him. Am I being a control freak? Is this normal?

I can't answer your question about whether this is PND but I wanted to bump your post so that people can give you answers, I have certainly felt many of these emotions.

Things to consider: are you extremely sleep deprived? That can certainly magnify emotions. Is there any way someone else can help you so you can get more sleep?
Your in-laws sound very unreasonable so I don't think that part is caused by PND. Your hormones are still adjusting so this could also be magnifying emotions, I think it's natural to feel very protective over your baby. Have you had your vitamins checked following the birth? Could you be low on iron etc? Getting your physical health optimised can help your mental health. Having a baby is also a huge life change. Certainly, I think in our culture the mother is overlooked after giving birth and it becomes all about the baby. Also your life has changed beyond recognition that will take getting used to.You are not alone lots of mums feel like this. I hope that someone else comes along with some good advice soon 💐

Thank you so much @wearyourpinkglove. I’m definitely sleep deprived, DS is amazing but sleep is just not his jam at the moment. That’s a really good point about the vitamins too, I’ve got some that I always forget to take. I’m also back on hormonal contraception which I wonder if it may be impacting my mood too. Thank you again x

Hopeful bump for the evening crowd 🙂

Saw your post and so much rang true to my experience so I wanted to reply to all of your points. I am not a professional so cannot say whether it’s PND but maybe knowing someone else felt the same way will help! Hopefully things are feeling a little easier now too.

1. I have never felt rage like I have since having my kid. As you say, never directed at DS but at pretty much everything else. The temperature, my cat, a gap in the curtains when I’m trying to sleep, a clock ticking, people walking to fast/slow, my husband’s inability to walk quietly… I think it came from being extremely tired and very overstimulated. You’re constantly being touched and your body is instinctively alert to potential threats. From talking to other mums, this isn’t at all unusual. Are there quieter outdoor places you could go to try and relax a little more? Re the dog barking, there’s various articles about how pets can become a real problem in those early days. Stuff they’ve always done becomes annoying because, again, you’re knackered, overstimulated and just need some peace and quiet! So nothing unusual about not wanting your dog to wake the baby! All I can suggest is some deep breaths and to remember it’ll pass.

2. my relationship has definitely changed with my in-laws. I have known them since being a teenager and always felt very much part of the family. Since having my DS, certain behaviours became harder to deal with. They were always there, I think we just had more capacity to ignore/put up with them because we had more emotional energy to people please. It isn’t unreasonable to be cautious around cold sores - that’s just following nhs advice. And who wouldn’t want follow that for a tiny baby? Two bits of advice - make sure you and your partner are on the same page with any issues/boundaries. Talk about it first and make sure you’re a team when addressing them. And secondly, remember it’s okay to have reasonable boundaries. You and your partner have started a new family now - you guys needs to figure out the dynamic/rules/boundaries that you want to replicate/avoid at all costs! If you are putting in reasonable boundaries and communicating them clearly, people who have a problem with it are the problem!. I don’t know all the context so it may sound harsh but it sounds like your in-laws need to accept their new roles in the family. I have always been a people pleaser/very easy going but found I gained confidence in asserting myself a bit more after I had DS because I needed to protect my mental health/happiness.

3. yes, you might be a little fixated on herpes at the moment but, again, from talking to other mums, you often have some mega worry that keeps you up at night. I had mine and spent many unhappy hours googling. As I said, it is totally right to be worried about herpes and take steps to prevent it but if it’s become a bit obsessive, it might be good to talk it through with someone and also try to stop yourself from focusing on it too much. I literally allowed myself 10 seconds to worry said ‘stop’ out loud when I started fixating on my mega worry. You have to train your brain to not dwell on it which can be really hard. Make sure you’re discussing it with your partner too. He can remind you what you’re doing to stop it.

4. lonely but want to be alone - been there. Keep going to classes, even if it’s just for a bit of small talk. It’s good for you both. But I felt in the early days I was just kind of watching the world happen around me. Before, I could do plenty of small talk and be super chatty but even around family my personality seemed to fall away. I think again this name back to being tired and overstimulated. I just wanted quiet! Being a mum can be lonely too though. Do you have a friend you can message for support?

5. totally felt this too - DS was just passed around whilst I sat and smiled in a slight fog. The biggest thing I can say is speak up for yourself: if you’re not up for visitors, say it, if you need people to leave, ask them. I was totally happy with my DS and loved being a mum but found the constant visits really draining at times. It’s okay to need some time to adapt to a totally new life.

6. hormones are brutal post partum. Don’t worry about crying. If you’re crying a lot at home alone, then it’s important to talk to someone.

7. I think not wanting grandparents to look after your baby at this stage is totally fine, even if they’re incredible with babies. It’s your time to bond and foster that amazing attachment. I think not trusting your husband is something to focus on. I would have a frank chat with him and say that screen time before 1 is really discouraged (send an article if that helps) and that if you can do it all day, can he try when he is home. You also have to let go a little, ultimately, you only have control over your relationship with your baby. You can ask your husband to follow your (great) parenting ideas but if they don’t want to, it’s their relationship with the baby it’s affecting. Also, it may be that your husband isn’t sure what to do with them at the moment. They’re usually pretty mum focused and it can be easy for dads to feel redundant. Encourage him to go for a walk or ‘show baby round the house’. It’s all new for him too and he may find it all a bit easier once your baby is older. It helped when I told my husband that the baby gets a oxytocin boost from mum cuddles but also from playtime with dads - that’s their ‘special power’

A long message but I hope it’s helps to at least know someone else ticks pretty much the same boxes as you! If you’re still feeling like something isn’t right, there’s nothing wrong with talking to someone about it. Therapy is an amazing thing and I wish I’d done it whilst I was going through the early days - it’s such a huge change.

@PinkBobby thank you so much for your lovely lovely post. I’m so sorry you’ve been through the same things but it’s also so reassuring to hear it’s not just me 💛