I think it's out of control

[Purplesparklyhippopotamuses]

I'm not sure what I'm after with this post, reassurance or handhold perhaps.
I think my health anxiety is getting out of control again. I've had a handle on it for the past 10 years and managed to control quite well, but for some reason since new year it's just getting more and more intense.
I seem to find something and obsess over it, it used to be cancer and I convinced myself that every little niggle was something. This time it seems to be sepsis. Any little thing I convince myself is going to be deadly, from infections to little scratches. I'm currently waiting for an appointment for a possible infection and I just can't concentrate. I feel dizzy and confused (most likely from anxiety and other big stresses I currently have) but I just can't shake the feeling of there being something more serious going on.
I've come out for a walk in the sunshine to see if that might pick me up, and logically I can think that if there was something so serious going on I wouldn't feel up to it but the minute I start to think logically the anxiety takes over again with the what ifs and buts.
I have also contacted the drs for my anxiety, and waiting on an appointment for the mental health nurse, but no idea how long that could be. I'm just so fed up of always feeling so panicky about everything, the constant feeling of fear and not being able to shut off and relax, the constant churning feeling in the pit of my tummy

Can you pinpoint what's caused the HA to flare up again now? You mention other 'big stresses' - what's going on?

In terms of dealing with it now two things that can help.

Firstly 'so what?' Rather than allowing the anxiety to spiral down, follow the level path of 'OK, if I have sepsis I'll get treated for it and I'll recover and that will be the end of it'. I bet that's an option that you've not considered yet but it's the most obvious.

Secondly write it down. When you are having a negative thought get a piece of paper and pen and write it down. Doing this means the logical side of your brain becomes engaged (far more so than if you type it on a screen) and you will be able to see the problem rationally. When you've got it down on paper try reading it out loud - if it sounds too ridiculous to be believable then screw up the paper (and the thought) and throw both away.

In all honesty I'm not sure I can necessarily pinpoint to anything specifically - lots of little things that are building. My eldest dd is having a horrendous time in school (Sen and massively unsupported with bullying issues) so constant battles with them. My youngest dd started home ed late last year. I manage to hide it well from the kids and carry on as 'normal' as much as possible. I think I panic massively because although my DH is great, it's me that takes on the load. I worry that if anything happens to me, how would the girls cope. I've done years of research so our youngest can thrive in home ed. I have looked up all the laws regarding schools and Sen, so know how to fight the battles within the school and who to contact to help back us up. Realistically I probably am taking on too much, but feel better keeping busy. Like if I'm busy I don't have time to think about the anxiety creeping in. Today I have been out and about so much as it 'forces' me to be okay. But in the evenings when the kids are settling and I'm relaxing seems to be when it feels worse.
I have tried to rationalise, but in the moment it's hard. I sit and think logically that if it was anything serious I wouldn't feel like doing the things I do, but then I get tired/dizzy/confused because of what is probably just being overwhelmed and that's when it all kicks off again, and the spiral starts again

I have no good advice as I’m in the same boat OP, so just here to say I understand how you feel.

I am also in a particularly bad patch of health anxiety because stuff was happening in my family over the past months that completely stressed me out;my dad was hospitalized with encephalitis and my DS4 had an athma attack which he was in hospital for for one night. They are both good now but I have yet to bounce back from all the stress. I get so tired that I am scared something might be wrong with me and I spiral and think the worst ( i am also always worried about what would happen to my DC if something bad happened to me).

I am in therapy for my anxiety and it’s a long road. I don’t think I will ever be free of it but I am fighting to be better, because it is so horrible to feel this way!

My eldest is neurodiverse (as am I but not yet pinpointed) which I know is a factor. I also think I’m in perimenopause which isn’t making things easier.

Realistically I probably am taking on too much

Yup.

Can you talk to your DH about spreading the 'load'? Because (and apologies for being blunt) if you don't there will come a point won't be able to carry on - probably at the most inconvenient moment.

Imagine you are the "caring machine". The caring machine’s only function is to care for others. Now, anyone who uses machinery knows that the first thing you
do each day is to check the operation of the machine and perform whatever maintenance is required to keep the machine functioning effectively. Caring for the machine is the first thing on the list each day, because if we don’t maintain the machine it stops working. Then who gets cared for? Nobody. So too keep the caring machine operating, the first thing we must do is regularly maintain it.

Moral of the story? Look after yourself first and foremost. You’re not a machine (you are much more valuable than that) and even if you were, there is still no argument that invalidates the importance of self-care.