Is this PTSD?

[stopthelot]

I'll try to keep it brief but it is a long story so apologies.

5 years ago my first DC was born, full term, no issues. All fine for the first few hours. They then started doing some odd things. They were then taken from me whilst I physically couldn't move & put it to ICU. We stayed in hospital for over 2 weeks until they were allowed home. Result was they suffered a brain injury. Prognosis was 'wait & see' & as my first experience at motherhood & being an anxious person anyway this really really affected me, constantly on edge, watching milestones like a hawk, constantly in fear of DC having recurrent seizures, etc.

Fast forward 3 years & some therapy, we decided to have DC no 2. This time, planned C section, all staff aware of my past, etc.

Baby born safely, went home. Several days later I knew they weren't right. I was also poorly. Went back in to hospital, to be told they had jaundice, not to worry, but I knew it was more. Essentially stayed in hospital that night, then he stopped breathing. I was in my own but I remember the alarm sounding out throughout the whole corridor & the RESUS trolley thundering down it. Long story short it was very scary. Talks of SEPSIS, transferring to a different hospital, etc. It was honestly just awful & brought it all back from the first time.

I was still poorly & whilst baby was in ICU I was then taken for scans. I needed an emergency op as my bowel had herniated in one of the internal stitches from my C section.

Anyway here we are 1.5 years later. All healthy, all ok, can't believe my luck to have 2 happy, 'on track' kids despite their starts.

Thing is I think about it all daily. It makes me sad, angry, scared. Scared when they get ill. Scared of the inevitable, death. I did have some talking therapy after DC 2. I feel I can no longer talk about it with friends & family as I try to keep the stance of 'we are here & healthy & we are lucky', etc. I feel people are bored of hearing about it & I don't blame them, I feel stuck. I feel in a way I just still & maybe never will be able to believe what I went through with both kids, especially with DC 2, after all the planning which went in to try to make it a completely different experience from DC 1.

My kids are my absolute world & I want to be better for them, I'm just not sure how to do it. I've always been anxious, & I often think about life & the passage of time, but I think these experiences have heightened them hugely. Any advice massively appreciated.

Congrats if you got this far. X

I'm not a psychiatrist so can't comment on a diagnosis of PTSD (and nor can anyone else) but it's clear there's an issue which needs to be sorted out.

My work involves helping with trauma and this is how I describe it;

When something bad happens, a part of our mind gets the job of working out exactly what happened and why, so we can work out how to avoid a similar event in the future.

However with some traumatic events - or, as in your case, two related events which your mind has (quite rightly) connected - there isn't a satisfactory way to avoid it in the future; trauma is, by it's nature, something that we can't foresee and therefore can't avoid.

The need to make some sort of sense of the experience can often lock us into that moment as a part of our subconscious becomes unable to move on until we can fully understand it. In your case it might be a good idea to talk to the hospital staff that were involved in both births to understand what happened, why they took the actions they did and the sequence of events.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after perinatal/post natal trauma. It took a long time to get anyone to acknowledge I was more than just "a bit tired with a new baby".
18 years on I still have to do a bit of a double take on things that can be problematic.
Please seek professional advice.

The body keeps the score is a useful read. You have been through such a lot and I’m so pleased to hear anyone is doing well physically. I definitely think you would benefit from some professional help. I agree with pp, no one can confirm a diagnosis of PTSD or anything else on an online forum. However people can talk about the subject and their own experiences.

My understanding is that PTSD isn’t an inevitable response to trauma - by that I mean not everyone who goes through a traumatic event gets PTSD afterwards - but is a consequence of someone not having the skills to process the trauma effectively. Usually there are signs of maladaptive coping mechanisms having delivered in childhood before the trauma happens (which your post alludes to).

There are definitely strategies and medications which will be able to help you. I would speak to your GP. In our area, you self refer to counselling services.

Hi OP, it's possible to be traumatised and not have PTSD. Clinically relevant PTSD as it were (as in would gain a diagnosis and treatment) is characterised by a number of features and stops people functioning. Flashbacks, insomnia, digestive problems, physiological responses - heart thumping, sweating, panic attacks at triggers, are the usual symptoms. For someone to be diagnosed with these things as a disorder, they are usually very severe. It means sufferers are stuck in an endless present, unable to escape. There is also avoidance too sometimes: people avoid dealing with the traumatic history- reminders, triggers, memories - and yet are haunted by it. Their life can become contracted as their ability to cope diminishes.

I don't mean in any way to minimise your experience - you sound very possibly traumatised and suffering the effects of birth trauma. You asked whether it was PTSD or not. As others have said reach out for real life help if you feel you need it - don't take advice from a random on the internet.

Helpful authors:
Bessel Van de Kolk
Peter Levine
Babette Rothschild
Judith Herman