Mental health regarding second child

[bookwormboymum]

Hey all, I don't know why I am writing this, but I would like to know if someone has gone through the same situation and I can get some advice on how to get through this phase.

We have a 4-year-old who will turn 5 in August. I am 39 and my partner is 41. I was never fascinated by kids, and when we had LO, I had PPD and felt like i was not good enough for him and didn't play well with him. he was going to nursery full time and i was happy with it. I was not ready to have another one for the same reason, thinking the kid would go to nursery so no point in having it. I got pregnant in 2023 and got into panic mode, had anxiety and depression,i didn't feel like eating or playing with my LO so went ahead and had an abortion. Now i cant get over it. I have been thinking of how stupid i was to do that and it would have been lovely to have a play mate for my kid :( has anyone been in this situation? now i feel they will not be friends since there will be a 5-6 years age gap and we are too old for it. We have decent earnings but my IT job is not too stable. I earn well but not sure when will i be made redundant. with the current cost of living i think would be wise not have one and give our LO all luxuries. but my mind is playing up and I cant be happy with what i have. i am also worried of putting it all to risk if the baby is not healthy because of our ages and they will not be able to play due to age gap

any suggestions are welcome.

Hello and I am so sorry to hear how you feel. I feel that it is eating you up and it is of course understandable. Hindsight is a cruel thing. You did the best you could in the circumstances and think about it, you probably couldnt have made a different deciscion back then.

As to having another one, I do not think that 5-6 years is a gap that is too big. Of course, it might be a bit big to start with but it will smooth over the years. I had a gap like that with my siblings and we still played together. But even if not, most importantly, they will have each other in their adult life when 6 year gap is nothing.

Breathe out. You did the best you could. I also know PPD and preganancy related anxiety sucks and mine was sooooo bleak i can see that a decision that you made can be totally valid.

I'm sorry to hear all that you have gone through, it must have been hard and you should treat the person you were when you had the abortion, with anxiety and depression, as kindly as you would someone else in that situation.

However, your whole post reads as if you are still in panic mode, that you have absolutely space to think about what you might actually want or to appreciate anything because you are so caught up in circles about what is best, what is right, what if this, what if that, what might have been different... Most people do not live like this or think like this, it's perhaps a sign you could be doing more about your mental health in general.

There is no perfect family template - there are extremely happy families out there who got pregnant unexpectedly, with huge age gaps and tiny ones, with lots of kids or just one, single parents, older parents, children with SEN etc. It isn't that they made the correct decisions leading to a "happiness formula," it was being comfortable making decisions even when there is no right answer and being happy to roll with what life throws at you.

I would put off making a decision for a couple of weeks and really spend that time looking around you rather than inwards. Look at the happiest people you know, really look at how varied the families you know are, look at your own DC and how happy they are. Then gradually start to think about what makes you happy, not what "might" but what really does and go from there.