14 yr old daughter hates school.....bullying

[Winona3]

As above. She's bright, beautiful and clever, but very quiet. Won't start a conversation, but is absolutely fine once chatting
Had a group of friends until last summer. Got a text off them in the last half term before summer holidays to tell her that she was too quiet, and wasn't 'compatible' with their friend group anymore, and she should hang with some other people when they went back.
Well, you can imagine this did her a world of good 🙄
We keep getting her in to school, but she hides in the toilets at break and dinner, or hangs on the coat tails of her brother and sister (in different years). People talk to her, but she won't make the first move because her confidence is shot at, so it's just small talk outside class really.
She was crying her eyes out tonight, saying she's not going in again.
I contact the teachers but they don't seem to look out for her at breaks or lunch.
Her school work is good as is her behaviour, so she doesn't flag up.
She's fretting about next year, as her year 11 sister and mates leave, and they're the only reason I manage to get her in at the moment 😟

What year is she in? Dc can be horrible! Would she be up for trying somewhere else? I was aware that I was merely tolerated at school. Not that I was told to go away but not being included in anything makes it obvious. You just count down the days to leaving. I would look at other schools for a fresh start. Can you access any life skills coaching? Join outside school activities? She will need more confidence to be happy so find something she’s good at, but ring round other schools and make the change. Hard if you are rural of course.

She's year 10. Another year to go, but without the 'safety blanket' of her older sister

Is changing school/homeschooling an option? That sounds absolutely miserable.

I thought she might be y9. Y10 is so difficult. Could she join a different tutor group? Are all her precious friends dismissive of her? What about activities outside school? Home schooling could be seriously difficult and lonely. Would any other school take her? Obviously far from ideal.

Sorry your DD is going through this but there are ways to improve the situation for her:

1. there should be somewhere better for her to go than the toilets, my friends DC that suffer with overwhelm or anxiety have safe spaces at school where they can go - contact the pastoral team for that year and ask what provision they have. At least tell her to use the library as a better option.

2. contact her tutor again and explain the problem has worsened, your dd is isolated and distressed. My friends dd had a friendship group breakdown & the tutor asked another group of girls to include her (which worked, the tutor picked a mature, friendly girl to ask)

3. work with your DD to help her accept friendly approaches, the same girl above ended up asking another girl to meet and revise in a coffee shop.

4. has she any friendships outside school? Encourage her to see them

5. are there any school groups she could join that practice at lunch or after school e.g. choir, sports or art even if you have to cajole her elder sister in accompanying her to the first session or two

6. she won’t be alone in feeling alone. Year 10/11 are notorious for girl friendships to breakdown, hormones, growing up at different rates, boys, studying different GCSEs etc cause rifts si explain that to her, that she’s not the only one.

Help her be receptive to the idea of new friends (as her safety blanket of going to her sister in some ways actually is making it worse, she knows she’s on borrowed time but it’s not helping her form new friendships) Remind her that in a years time everyone will be focused on study leave and she will be choosing her next steps

Sometimes a good cry helps & it’s good she will talk to you as sharing helps. Good luck.