*trigger warning suicide*

[colourblindrainbow]

What is this?
I don’t plan to end my life because I’m too scared about what it would feel like to stop breathing. Aside for that I’d be so happy to live the next few months out with things that are planned for my family and me and then go to sleep one night knowing that I would never wake up again as long as I didn’t feel it happen.
I don’t like leaving the house anymore, I’m not sure why. I’m anxious but not unbearably so. I will only leave the house when I absolutely have to or have a family day out planned.
I don’t care about washing, dressing, hygiene etc unless I know I have to go out or see someone.
I’m still eating well, appetite not affected by the way I feel.
Generally don’t view other people as anything I trust or want to be a part of anymore except for a select few.
Anytime I do interact with people I don’t give even an inkling about how I feel. I’ve felt like it for years now and no one has ever noticed because I don’t see anyone regularly enough to be able to notice. I find it impossible to communicate this to anyone.
I don’t really want help because I’ve ran out of energy to keep trying anymore, I just don’t care.
I’m already taking antidepressants, Max dose. They work for me to a huge degree. I don’t cry and feel desperate to not live anymore the way I used to and they have definitely improved things as it used to feel so painful but now it’s just nothing. Numbness and nothing.
Has anyone ever been this way and then changed things? Is there anything that can actually help when I don’t even care if things change? When I don’t even care if things get worse and worse anymore?

Hi. I do know people who’ve felt similar and no longer do now. How much medical support have you had? Just your GP or CMHT and psychiatrist? Have you had any hospital stays? One of the hardest things is that accessing the help out there is so much harder when you’re feeling so unwell.

if you are under CMHT I would call the crisis team. If you’re not then I would fill in a form to GP asking to be referred to crisis team. I would tell them what you’ve written here - in writing if that is the easiest way to tell them.

That promising to hear, if you don’t mind me asking, what changed for them? How did they do it?
I don’t speak to anybody regularly, just click the thing online to get my repeat prescription.
I’ve been under the crisis team once years ago and have different types of therapy. Was always hopeful when doing those, and not as numb.
It’s kind of like, the part of your brain that fights for survival and the want to improve things has gotten old now, really old and tired and is ready to go when the time comes, yet my physical body is still young.
I don’t know if it’s anything even worth bothering the go with to be honest, I’m not actively suicidal, I’m not a risk, it’s just feelings.

Have *had. I don’t currently access any therapy and I don’t really know what therapy can do for me anymore. I’ve learned allot doing what I did do and it has helped but I don’t know how therapy could change the way I feel now. Maybe this is as good as it gets, I do find small moments of joy, feel allot of gratitude etc. I don’t cry too much anymore, I don’t feel so confused all of the time. I just feel numb for 90% of the time and look forward to dying and would take the option to go to sleep and not wake up if it was offered.
Is this what being on antidepressants long term is just like?

Hi OP, I can identify with how you are feeling but things are improving for me now after 30+ years of just struggling through life.
What seems to be making the difference for me this time is the ongoing support of a wonderful psychiatrist and empathic psychodynamic therapist. I’ve had lots of help in the past but something seems to be slowly shifting now.
Don’t give up hope as you are definitely not beyond help. xx

DH was on a high dose of setraline and I noticed it made him numb to everything, he didn't care about anything any more and would happily just sleep the day away. It was like he had no energy to do anything - he said they helped hugely with his stress and anxiety though, because he just didn't care.

He's recently slowly weaned himself off and he's suddenly got his energy back, he's going for a walk before work now whereas he could barely drag himself out of bed before. He's got much more of an interest back in things and I can see the not caring/numbness has gone. IMO the high dose left him quite zombified.

I don't know if it is the case for you too, but it might be the high dose of anti d's that is leading you to feel you don't care about anything very much.

For the people I know it was a mixture of good support from psychiatrist (trialed medication options till they found the best) and psychologist (therapy intervention). They all needed some time in hospital too but that was because of how ill they were rather than an essential part of their treatment.

I think you need to under the care of a psychiatrist. They will be able to consider many more medical treatment options and refer you to targeted therapy.

I spent a lifetime under-complaining about my mental health. I never felt very depressed and worried I was over-complaiing when I did say anything. I went ping in my 50s with an episode of hypomania and was hospitalised. Turned out I spent my whole life under complaining. I received medical treatment for the first time and now am stable and content on a mood stabiliser. I get treated so differently now. I worried my life was over when I got hospitalised but the only impact has been positive. If I call up and say things aren’t right, I get immediate help. I was discharged from CMHT as I was doing so well but I’ve actually asked to stay under their care as GP can’t help me on the odd occasion I need it. I don’t have a community nurse as I don’t need it but I do have access to CMHT and psychiatrist direct without having to go via GP.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well. Best wishes.🌺

Thank you for replies.
I’ve always struggled through, until I had a breakdown in 2020 (non-covid related) and ended up on all sorts of meds like benzos and antipsychotics and a whole lot more but I didn’t ever really take them after the initial period. When I say I didn’t ever take them, I stopped entirely when I didn’t have to get them daily anymore.
I learned to put a front on and say everything felt ok again so I didn’t get hospitalised.
I’ve never really recovered I don’t think.
@Middlepiepush I’m so glad you now feel ok! I wouldn’t have a clue how to go about speaking to a physiatrist, never heard from them again after the crisis intervention and I don’t trust them anyway. I don’t really trust anyone properly but I have a fear that they have this weird thing going on in the physiatrist world and I know logically that it probably isn’t true but I still think it is underneath.
@Lyn397 so glad your husband is feeling better! I don’t take sertraline I take escitalopram but a high dose. Started at this dose and it felt amazing at the beginning but now about a year in it takes away some of the deep pain and difficulty but has replaced it with an indifference and numbness which I think I prefer I think but I had just hoped my brain would be improving by now, instead I’m not sure where it’s going!
@JumpingGreenFrogs im a huge under complainer I think, mostly through fear of being hospitalised and then having weird things done to me!
I don’t know, I don’t even know where to turn with this.
As it stands, I’ve decided that maybe I’ll live the next year ish out and if things don’t feel any different I will have to get over my fear of stopping breathing or I’ll just ruin other lives around me by being around.

@CCmumsnet thank you.

Hi OP. I wouldn’t say that I am ok (yet) but I can definitely feel that things are shifting for me and suicidal thoughts are not so prevalent.
If you are able to afford it then it would be worth booking an assessment with a private psychiatrist who would then be able to advise on recommended therapy as well as medication. I think the NHS MH system is in such dire straits that it doesn’t have the resources to support people who are not in immediate crisis.
Don’t give up hope as if it is possible for me to recover then it is for you too. You just need the right help and support. Good luck

How are you feeling today OP?

@Middlepiepush I’m glad they’re improving. I felt like that for a fair few months last year which was the longest I’ve felt positive for as long as I can remember and although I was still physically quite stuck, mentally I could feel hope, but that’s gone and with an extra dose of gone to teach me a lesson for getting too hopeful!
I am considering accessing private therapy although I’m not sure it can actually help. I’m a bit scared about it being too different to nhs therapy and there being different rules etc. I have also done a few different therapies over time and what if I’m just unhelpable?
I don’t know what a private physiatrist could do as I have already been diagnosed with things. Also last time I saw a physiatrist they put me on antipsychotics and I wasn’t even in phycosis!
Sorry if I’m being a negative Nelly, everyone is different and it sounds like things are going well for you and I wish you lots more happiness and healing on your journey!
Today I am feeling the same as I was yesterday. As I do every day. Anxious/bad dreams last night but woke up and first thought was “oh, another day.” I am still in bed. Sorry for the tmi but leaked through my clothing on my period, no energy to even change my clothing. Haven’t showered for over a week. I smell like BO and god knows what else. My hair is matted. I can’t remember the last time I was dressed in daytime clothes or brushed my teeth. I think last Wednesday I got dressed because somebody came over.
I will shower and get ready today as I have to go out. Hoping that will be a nice experience although I’m not certain it will as I’m being taken to get something I need but always get told off for looking at other things and taking too long.
I have a meeting to attend tomorrow so will get dressed and ready for that and no one will realise how I live my life day to day and then will come home and probably be straight back to the same.
I think what’s been getting me through is the small joys in the moment. They exist, I know they do, and I appreciate them and enjoy them but then my brain takes back over again!
Just fed up and floating through day to day, existing, taking up resources and not putting an awful lot back into the earth.

I really feel for you OP.
I understand that you are despairing at the moment so it is hard to believe that things can change for you. Your story does sound quite similar to mine. I’ve had decades of therapy, multiple ADs and two periods of inpatient treatment.
I’m not sure what your diagnosis is, but antipsychotics can be prescribed along with antidepressants for treatment resistant depression so they are not just for psychosis.
I can empathise with how you feel and I’m sure you are not untreatable, you just need to find the right support and just because nothing has helped before doesn’t mean that it won’t this time. I felt the same but I have some hope for the future now.
Good luck xx

Private therapy is a lot better than NHS therapy as long as you pick someone good. I remember feeling like you do. That connection was crucial. It was difficult, therapy, but it has ultimately done me a lot of good.