Brother's tirades

[missusmessy]

I just need a little advice about how to respond to a situation in which paranoia may be involved.

My mother is in her nineties and lives in a remote setting with my brother as her primary carer. Carers see to my mother's personal care needs three times a day.

I see my mother and brother whenever I can. However, for a few months, I have felt uneasy about visiting, because my brother has been verbally aggressive to me, and I have had to leave, or the visit seems to have gone well, and then I receive a flurry of e-mails (he has no mobile phone) accusing me of plotting against him, being 'dangerous', etc and threatening to 'get the police' involved if I come down.

My brother has always been a little eccentric, and the carers are a little concerned about his capacity to look after my mother, but my mother wishes to remain in the family home with my bother as her carer. My mother and brother attend church twice a week, and the church also support them.

My older sister has not said anything about our brother's behaviour, but her visits are also not as regular or frequent as they used to be, so I wonder if she and her family may have been the recipients of my brother's tirades.

I feel torn. I really want to see my mother. She is very frail and never answers the phone (she is quite hard of hearing), and does not use any electronic communication. Therefore, visiting is the only way I can contact her directly. Yet, my brother seems to mistrust me so much or even dislike me, that I wonder if the visits do more harm than good.

I am not an aggressive person, and have never instigated the tirades. I try to respond to the e-mails by stating how awful it must be to feel this, and then to change the topic a little.

Is there a better way of responding?

Thanks

• Brother is 66; mother is 96

Ring age concern for advice.

It seems to me that the most natural thing to do would be to discuss it with your sister. Is there a reason for you not to want to do this?

If your brother's MH is getting bad it could be affecting your mother adversely. Perhaps you could contact her GP to ask for advice? Or the church? Or the carers' employer? If it was one of them who raised an alarm it might protect you from your brother's wrath.

Does your brother have Power of Attorney over your mother's health/care decisions? If he has MH issues that is a big concern. And how compos mentis is your mother? Could you discuss it with her? I know you say she wants to stay at home (as we probably all would) but she needs to be realistic and perhaps seriously consider a move into a care home. She is a vulnerable adult in any case and you could contact Soc Services to express your concern (again, it might be better if the referral came from a GP or the church or a carer).

I don’t think you should do nothing. Sorry, it’s an awful position to be in.

Thank you for the advice and support. I will come back with a more detailed response.