Selfish self centred teenagers

[Snowfairy67]

I know for a fact I have made a rod for my own back. I was made a single mum not by choice. The grass was greener on the other side…. But my older teenagers 15 and 19 are actually making me so unwell at the moment. I am dealing with a bereavement and a back injury. my mental health has hit rock bottom. I’ve stopped looking after myself, my house used to be somewhere I took so much pride in and was always immaculate and lovely looking. Now I just look awful, my house is a pig sty. I am ashamed and embarrassed. If anyone came to visit me (which they don’t) I wouldn’t even open the door I feel it’s got so bad in here. I try my best but it’s just not enough, im overwhelmed with how bad it has gotten. Everyone just assumes I have help because my kids are older, they add to the mess and will not take a telling. My daughter refuses to go to school and my son is on his PlayStation non stop. I feel like there is zero boundaries. I do get so fed up and threaten to take away Wi-Fi pocket money ect but I’m also far too soft because I give in quite a lot because anytime I try to establish some basic rules they don’t care, they know they will keep getting away with it because I feel so guilty their dad isn’t here. The disrespect is so bad now, they will make food and leave bowls and cups anywhere and everywhere, my kitchen is a mess when they go through to make themselves food. I feel like I have given up now. I feel like I have made them rude arrogant people and I am absolutely heartbroken it’s came to this. Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? I want to get my mental health back on track so I am able to deal with it better. It’s just a vicious circle of nonsense.

I'm a single mum with one DS, doing a'levels. His dad does no parenting at all.

I think you need to take back control. If my DS makes a mess, I do not cook supper until he has cleared up.

If homework needs to be done, he does it or I remove the router. If he doesn't help with chores or observe basic hygiene, I won't top up his phone. If he doesn't bring his dirty laundry down on a Friday evening, it doesn't get washed.

We generally get on well because he knows what is expected. As long as he is clean, helpful and does his work, he has a comfortable life.

Of course we argue sometimes and I've given up trying to persuade him to tidy his room but I can close the door & ignore that.

You need some ground rules in place, and to stick to them. Don't give way, don't blink first. It will be hard at first because your dcs are used to being lazy & selfish but steel yourself and get started soonest. Leave the food cupboards empty and the food locked in the boot of your car until they tidy up.

Look upon it as a campaign to get your life back and to teach your dcs some manners. Good luck.

Your very first sentence answers your questions.

I suffer from CPTSD (unrelated). DD is 13. She refuses school, she physically attacks me (five years of this now), I'm currently up for the first school fine while living on UC that doesn't even meet our rent, I can't afford to pay the fine. I can't afford to feed us both at the end of each month so I just buy to feed her. I’m a lone parent. Believe me, at this point I am feeling so incredibly low it's hard just to wake up and move out of bed. Sleeping is like being dead without the commitment. I just want to be unconscious constantly as much as I can.

Also regarding looking awful. I washed my hair every day because I have greasy oily skin before. Didn’t bother for 6 days recently and I could've fried an egg on my head. I panic about leaving the house. I panic while I’m away from the house. I've lost 50% of my hair thickness, amitriptyline and living on cortisol. I am a weak shadow of my former self. I barely eat. No other parent or parents of my own to help. Just stuck in feeling like I’m drowning. All referrals for help over several years refused. Even child against adult violence. I’m pretty sure that if was the other way around there'd be some very fast action.

Never too late to change! Open the windows, get some tunes on and change things up. The kids will follow your lead.

You know the answer already. Stop giving in. Take the damn PlayStation and sell it. Tell the 19 year old to shape up or move out and mean it. The 15 year old needs to get the fuck to school or give you a good reason why not.

You can't change their behaviour without changing yours.

OP, @Meadowfinch is completely right!!! Until you start setting boundaries their selfish behaviour will continue.

If I was you the first thing gone would be WI-FI & then wait. As soon as one comes to you get him/her to call the other sibling.

Tell them both to sit down & this is where you need to start with a tidy clean house is a non-negotiable in this house. Make it clear that the both of them are to make a start on cleaning it up until then you are not interested in any of their wants.

Tell them that you have watched them turn the house into a complete pigsty whilst you have been suffering with your back etc.

Make sure you tell them exactly what you have told us as then they can’t complain they never knew what you were going through.

If I were you the minute they get home WI-FI IS OFF! Then you have that conversation as they will have plenty of time to tidy up. They are adults so treat them as such.

As an example my children have been brought up knowing every action has a consequence. If they make a mess they know they will be clearing it up. My eldest will cook & my youngest much prefers cleaning/tidying up. The only thing with them 2 is that they can bicker & it can be deafening. Again I don’t let that slide as it’s unacceptable for them to be talking to eachother like that. They are adults in their early 20s and can still act like they are 12 but they would never not pick up after themselves as I stopped doing that when they turned 11. They have to respect the home that they live in and the people that live there.

This won’t be easy but they need to learn that this is not how you live & behave without a thought for the next person.

Why is your daughter not going to school? Is she being bullied? What is she doing all day every day? Tell her you will be ringing her school & setting up a mtg with her form teacher! She needs to get back to school.

If it’s a case where she can’t be bothered then it is time to end her phone contract. Kids these days have to learn the hard way I’m afraid & that things won’t just land in their lap.

This will be hard but you have to be the one who lays down the law right now as you are Mum & Dad rolled into one.

Also the Bank of Mum is officially closed until further notice and it will all depend on what they do & say now.

Oh & if your son does get a little lairy do remind him rent is not cheap outside of these 4 walls so he better decide whether he wishes to contribute to the household & clean up here or whether he chooses to move into his own place but the way he has been choosing to live will not continue from today.

You can do this, don’t second guess yourself and stay calm do not get angry.

This message needs to be relayed in a calm manner but sternly they need to see that you mean it.

Do not get into a back & forth.

You can do this & your kids need you to do this as this is no way to live.

Good Luck 🤞🏼

P.S I am here if you need to rant. X

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@Meadowfinch Hey, did you manage to implement some rules?