Off sick from work with stress - no support IRL how would you focus your time?

[GiveMeStrengthAndVodka]

I am off sick from work with stress/MH and have an appointment with my GP tomorrow with a view to being signed off further.
I am getting very little support at home. My DP is leaving me to sleep in the mornings which has been good but when I emerge and come downstairs nothing has been touched. The dishes are where I have left them. Everything is piled up waiting for me to deal with it. I have 2 almost grown up (late teens) kids too who are doing nothing to help. On the odd occasion they have helped its been very small things like getting their sibling ready for bed or putting the food shopping away and even then they just put the fridge stuff away and the dry goods are all still sat in the bags they came home in. They make themselves food and leave the kitchen in a complete pigsty. If I ask for help I have to ask multiple times and on the 5th/6th time of asking I get cross, shout and then they help which is incredibly frustrating.
DP is doing next to nothing. Just chilling in the house before he goes to work. Its like they all see I am home and think I have more capacity to do stuff when I really need to be resting and doing things to help with my head, not cleaning up after them! I feel really hurt and let down by their attitude. DP has said a few times what can I do to help you feel better and I have said the house is a massive part of my stress at the moment but no action is taken to improve this. I honestly feel like walking out and spending the weekend in a hotel but realistically what's the point? Yes I will get a few days rest but I will be returning to a shit hole and just delaying what feels like the inevitable.

I obviously need to articulate my feelings to my family but I don't know how and I am so low mentally at the moment that I don't have capacity for a huge argument where I am made out to be the bad guy.
This has been brewing for a while. I haven't been coping well emotionally for some time and so I guess I thought when I finally gave in and went off sick my family would rally around me to look after me, but its just business as usual. Their needs are more important than mine. I know its my own fault, I have obviously enabled their behaviour for this to be happening but I am really hurt by their lack of caring and empathy. I feel like I am just here to service their needs and if they all worked together it wouldn't take much at all to get things up together but realistically that's not going to happen.
I have no one outside of my partner/kids to call on. I could try and pay someone to come in and do some cleaning but I am so embarrassed at the state of the house and I am not sure cleaners would come and do my dishes and tidy my house.

Right now I can't get past the feelings of hurt which is not helping with the MH stuff I have going on.

You need to drop the rope. Now is the perfect time to make a drastic change.

Inagine saying in a few months “since my mental health crisis, I’ve changed. I feel like a person again, not just a mum and a wife. I’ve got no interest in clearing up after everyone in the house, they’re all old enough and ugly enough to make their own food and wash their own clothes. I just sort myself out. If they run out of sock or clean plates it’s their problem. There are four humans capable of cleaning the bathroom in this house, why on earth should I be the one to do it? I’ve got nicer things to do.”

Firstly read them all the riot act, a family meeting pointing out how much mess they leave and how little support they are offering you when you need it. You are upset and let down. You’re going away for the weekend and when you return you want to find the house spotless and a rota in place for them to share all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. They need to work this rota out between them. Then go spend the weekend in a hotel.

Leave them to it. If this is a large contributor to your stress, they need to step up and be responsible for their own stuff. They will either understand and do it, or they won't. You need to think about what to do if they don't step up and how you want to spend the rest of your life. I'd be packing a case and going somewhere warm and sunny for a week of hotel pampering.

Dp just came in, hugged me, asked how he could help. So I was honest (again) and said that I'd been off all week and no one had lifted a finger. That I felt uncared for - this criticism isn't just aimed at him. There are 4 adults living in this house.
He's now in a mood but denying it. This is whst I get whenever I pass criticism on him. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to hold opinions or feelings. That the way I feel is completely invalid. He hasn't denied it. Just silence. I feel so completely alone.

Do you know what was causing your mental health to decline? You talk about wanting to spend this time away from work getting your head straight, but if home life and your marriage are the problems, then you’re not going to be able to do that on your own at home.

Do you have funds available for a therapist or counsellor to help you?

One thing I found amazing when I was off after a breakdown was colouring. I got some pencils and adult colouring books from Amazon and would spend ages just colouring in. It got me out of my head for a while and that was really helpful.

Being off sick with stress can leave you feeling totally shattered, so I get it. But it’s an invisible illness and many people don’t take it seriously. I wonder if you’d get the same response if you had a bad case of Covid or food poisoning? I suspect you might.

You are quite right that they don’t really care. At the end of the day, you are a giver, they are takers. It’s an unpleasant fact to confront.

Make sure the “mood” doesn’t sway you. I know it’s uncomfortable.

I really feel for you. This is so unfair.
Can you give us more of a picture of who is in the house and what needs to be done - you mention getting a sibling ready for bed but then talk about 2 teens ( presumably 2 of the 4 adults in the house, or are there more?
I guess it makes a difference if DP is the parent of all or any of these DC, and what the deal is between you - if he is a recently moved in boyfriend who is fairly hands off with your almost grown DC, then he has less of a chance of being able to tell them what to do than their own father might. If he is the parent of the DC that needs putting to bed, then I wonder why the older siblings are doing that.
If there are young children in the house then you can't just only look after yourself in the same way that you might if there are only adults.
It's really stressful to have to keep asking people to do what should be basic tasks, and I'm wondering how much you can turn a blind eye to.
Certainly you can ignore all the things like laundry and cleaning their rooms, but DP needs to take charge of making sure any younger children are fed and go to school in relatively clean clothes.
Teens can be notoriously disgusting in terms of kitchen hygiene and effort when it's chore related. You can ask them to keep it clean, you can explain why it's important, you can stop doing it yourself, but you can't make them do it. You could tell them that they need to pay to cover the costs of a cleaner if they won't clean up after themselves - if they are not earning, tell you'll dock it from their allowance/mobile phone/dinner money/whatever expense you currently pay that can be stopped.
I'm finding that actions speak louder than words - I think you should say once what the sanctions will be and then follow through.
And if DP isn't adding to your total sum of happiness, then reconsider whether it's worth keeping him around.

Would moving out for 2 weeks help? Away from the housework that is around you?

Good idea. Move into a hotel and tell your lazy family they you won’t be back until the mess is sorted out and they have a plan to shared the load going forward.

I remember my breaking point being when DH came into the kitchen and asked me why I had let the cat on the kitchen side (I was making both DDs breakfast and getting them ready for school, having already cleaned the kitchen, put the washing machine on and got myself sorted), I didn’t even know where the cat was, I certainly hadn’t actively “let” him on the side.

I was officially off sick with stress at the time, and I absolutely flipped at DHs comment. I jumped up and down on the spot in complete fury.

DH explained that when I’m stressed I make him more stressed so I couldn’t expect him to pick up the pieces of if I was broken.

Don’t let it get that far before you get yourself some help! I got completely out of that work stress situation, got myself some hypnotherapy (from a brilliant lady on here) and focussed on digging my garden. Eating the potatoes and carrots that I grew really added to my wellbeing over the summer.

Not sure that helps you, but my tip is gardening, to get fresh air and exercise; and making sure you know that only you can fix you, and know that it will get better.

Omg amazing idea - lovely air b&b by the beach. Fuck them all. Leave them in their filth.

Hi OP

I’m really sorry you are in this situation and thought your post was very clear and well described the position regarding the other adults (or near adults) in the house.

That is why I suggest you put it in an email or text which will go out to everyone while you are on the plane/train or in the car on the way to your detox.

Find a yoga/mindfulness/exercise/art/cooking/
whatever weekend or holiday and go.

When you return, I agree with Dittzy. You’ve had the days catching up on sleep, what you need now are grounding things, particularly being outside (if the weather co-operates!). Walk, run, cycle; get in the garden or volunteer with a river-cleaning group or something similar; join an exercise/dance class - all things to get your body moving and get you out of your head.

You are going to need a bit of strength of character to stick to not going back to the old status quo. Apportion yourself a small part of the rota that by now should be up and running but don’t do any more- unless whoever is asking is prepared to “trade” but be clear that it’s a one-time deal.

When you are stronger and thinking about your return to work, sit everyone down and discuss each individual’s obligations going forward so that you don’t pick up that burden again.

You sound like you know in your head what need’s to be done to alter everyone else’s laziness mindset, you need to summon your will now and do it.

Oh, and during this time, no “discussions”
with DP - you haven’t got the headspace. Otherwise, he’ll be convincing you to take back some of “your “ stuff - don’t fall for it.

Hope you can resolve things. Best wishes.

You say 'The dishes are where I have left them.' if you left them there, I see why they're not picking up after you.

But if they left them there, you need the same approach that it's not your job to pick up after them.

Honestly. I'd leave them. Permanently if financially at all possible. Find a flat to rent and leave them all to it.

A friend of mine did this. Beyond the end of her tether doing everything for her manchild exH and two teen DSs she moved out and now lives in a lovely calm clean house with only herself to look after.

She's living the dream. ExH and DSs live in squalor and eat takeaways and pot noodles because none of them do anything. One of DSs sometimes stays at her house, but he does pitch in and is the least worst of the three.

If that sounds too drastic, tell them that things have to change, and you're considering moving out because they're making your life so awful at the moment.