Should I stay or leave (temporarily)? Desperate for advice…

[CalmTheFireAndWarmTheIce]

Hi all, I wasn’t sure where to post as have mental and physical health problems (posted about previously)- as well as relationship problems (ditto)- and fertility issues are all in the mix (ditto again).
My question is should I stay or should I go? By “go” I mean leave my current home/locality btw; for hopefully a fresh start.
I think I’ve reached my tipping point mentally (and that affects my physical issues- all properly medically diagnosed).
I’ve engaged in every single medication/treatment/test/advice offered by NHS, some more alternative treatment practices (like aromatherapy, acupuncture, massage, herbal teas/meds etc.), and paid privately for consultations too- all to no avail.
This has been since my early teens, been with hubby 20 years now. I’m an only child and I have 2 dates through the year that make my bad time worse- these are death anniversaries of people who might as well have been parents to me.
I don’t expect a pity party, cards, or flowers on these days- just a simple text saying “I know today is rough for you, thinking of you”. Something like that- it would mean a lot.
There’s about 4-5 people in my life that I might expect would do this for me- this year, nobody said anything.
In fact my husband and I aren’t getting along too well- my Mum is on one of her semi- usual changes in behaviour, my dad has decided and declared to go no contact with me… so there was nothing. Inside I was devastated and replaying graphic physical health traumas, of both the person I lost, and then my own that sparked vivid flashbacks of my own varied and many health problems that led to hospitalisations and and care facilities etc. just spinning alone in the darkness. All I wanted was one kind word or act. Does anyone know of any tips to deal with trauma? I’ve tried exposure therapy but then NHS funding pulled that before I felt like I’d even gotten started…
I’m already sick of feeling like rubbish for pre-mentioned physical and mental health issues; now I just feel I have to walk on eggshells around everyone else because of their issues- can I not get the same 2 days out of the year?
I just want some time and space alone to think and process, but I don’t know how to go about it…. I don’t have much money or friends/ family I could stay with, and the physical health issues make this difficult anyway. Any advice? Already tried SS.
I want to make something out of my life. I don’t want to live this one for fear of being alone, I’m already so very lonely.
There’s got to be more to life- right?
Any advice (even brutal) strongly appreciated.
Thank you x

I am understanding you correctly - there are two death anniversaries that make you feel sad and you would like these 4-5 people to express their sympathy to you on those dates?

Edited to add - have you considered EMDR or hypnotherapy for the trauma?

Yes 2 death anniversaries. Used to be able to go to the church or remember them on my own but due to physical health can’t do that any more. I want to make it clear all of these people KNOW I have extensive and long lasting medically verified mental/physical health conditions; and KNOW these dates mean a lot.

like I said I’m really not expecting a lot- just when somebody expects support from you (as they do)- I don’t think a sympathetic text/cup of tea on a day you KNOW your own (and only) daughter is particularly struggling is too much of an ask? Or am I being unreasonable in thinking that?

thank you for your response

I guess what I’m wondering mostly is- is this the straw that broke the camel’s back?
If so do I break out and try and get some headspace? Or do I stick with it and feel this rubbish all day every day?

I’m scared to type the whole story here in case people figure out who I am, and even if they do I don’t know where to post it. Or what I’m allowed to mention in respect to triggers for others. I guess I’ve spent my whole adult life hiding- I’m scared to even type what’s really going on even though I’m in such desperate mental pain. X

Yes 2 death anniversaries. Used to be able to go to the church or remember them on my own but due to physical health can’t do that any more.
Did you ask anyone to take you? Are you unable to use a taxi? As for them offering maybe they thought enough time has passed, or they were busy (mentally) in their own lives, or thought it might trigger you into yet another downward spiral. Things that are important to you will never be important to another person, even if you as a person are cherished by them.

Quite honestly your whole post is very me, me, me and I've found that people who struggle with mh tend to be very inward looking (including myself at times). Start looking outwards, I found looking and appreciating nature started this process for me. Look for the birds hopping around like a Robin or listen to a blackbirds song in the evening, search for spring flowers, marvel at the sunlight rippling across water or bathing your face in warmth. It takes the focus away from you. Then start listening to others and hear their struggles, you will soon realise that they cannot put you first as they are drowning too.

EDIT - as well as relationship problems (ditto)- and fertility issues are all in the mix (ditto again).
I don't understand this part. Are you trying to conceive when in a bad relationship? That's never going to work. Stop trying until you've figured out whether this person can be a stable and supportive partner.

Wow- ok.
i actually listen to others’ issues a lot more than they listen to mine. I use “mindfulness” practices (similar to what you describe as looking out the window, listening to the birds etc.) I’ve been using for years and don’t respond emotionally and instead cry alone.
i respect that people have their own issues; (why wouldn’t I, I KNOW I do); and their boundaries as well; so I don’t ask probing questions, but will tell people I love that I’m here if they ever want to talk, not talk, or me to just be a sounding board, judgement free.
i only want the 2 days a year. One of which I was 11 and watched my Grandfather pass traumatically, the other of which I’d nursed my Grandma until her passing for near on a year whilst doing a dissertation.
Yes, my husband and I want a child but it looks unlikely due to my medical problems. It causes friction.
I have a mother and father both of whom struggle to accept their own mental health battles, but rely on me when things go wrong for them. I didn’t consider either suitable for my visit to the church, i didnt and don’t want to add to their personal burdens; and no, I couldn’t have gotten a taxi.
I watched many a fellow patient pass away in front of me because the staff were too busy trying to save their lives to pull a curtain; and I was too hooked up to machines to move; all I could do was close my eyes; but I couldn’t close my ears or nostrils or see the new patient arrive where Dorothy et al, had been.
So no, it’s not all ME ME ME.
Its 2 days out of a year of needing a text.
Thank you for your response, but I find it a little aggressive

It does seem unreasonable to ask other people to mark the anniversaries which are deeply personal to you - maybe they want to remember their parents passing in their own way, or maybe not at all. Grief is a very personal matter.

No, I’m sorry but you send a “sorry for your loss” card to quite remote people, you attend funerals/wakes/send flowers or donations etc. for the ones that are living and grieving…
You don’t one year randomly decide to stop, (but still expect support yourself as a 60+ adult from your child), especially when you had to get that child special dispensation to watch your parent/s pass at age11.
They messed up; they know they did; I just struggle dealing with the repercussions of this. Who doesn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️
I was just seeking some kind and/or practical advice.

I'm sorry you think my post was aggressive but you still haven't explained why you think others should "know" you need the same level of emotional support over those two dates for years and years and years. Most people manage to move on emotionally as time passes but for some weird reason you are stuck. And because you are stuck you are getting angry that others aren't as tuned in to your pain and neediness around these dates.

Everyone is different and nobody has the same views, needs or wants. Even very close siblings equally loved and cherished will have different feelings about a parent passing, and none will know how the others are feeling inside. Ask for what you want but be prepared that what you want could be too much for another person to give.

Your posts seem very familiar have you posted about this before, and what was the general poster feedback?

Sorry to hear you are struggling with the loss of Grandparents.

You will find many people do. It is tough.
However they lost them.
is your partner is unable or unwilling to help you get to a church?

if you physically cannot get to a church can you light a candle? See if any online church services if that is what would help you ( not know much but know there will be things online?)

In the kindest way possible, I think you need to see a therapist.

There's a lot of information here on how to cope with trauma.

I would recommend trauma based therapy. You can find a therapist at BACP.

You might find bereavement therapy helpful. Cruse offer free counselling.

Scope have a good helpline and might be able to offer advice regarding mobility and other issues.

EMDR as suggested can be helpful with traumatic memories.

Thank you for all your responses.
I fully appreciate others cope with things in their own ways; my point was that I know sometimes a literal change of scenery helps people; and do others have any experience with this (good or bad) just to let my mind heal a little.
Yes I’ve posted before, and yes I’ve tried pretty much every type of therapy, I’m currently having therapy.
I’ve never had EMDR, so that was something I researched; in my area it’s all private and a little out of my price bracket! But I’ll keep on looking.
i really want to get better; so I do give everything a fair go that I can.
and yes, partner was unable to help me get to church; he’s unwell as well.
these people weren’t grandparents to me in the traditional sense people think of- they practically raised me; so yes, I do probably find it hurts differently and harder.
Im just really struggling and lonely and wanted a sympathetic ear, advice, anything really… my apologies if that didn’t come across.
many thanks for those that replied.