Morning all. I'm in desperate need of some hand holding today. I can't stop crying, I'm alone with my 4 1/2 month old baby until 8pm and I can't see how I'm going to make it until then with my sanity intact. I'm crying as I write this and have to leave for my cervical exam in an hour and I just want to curl into a ball and ignore all my responsibilities today.
I've got longstanding mental health problems going back a couple decades. Was always fobbed off with various antidepressants and standard GP advice and it now turns out I may have bipolar disorder or something similar, which I am currently under assessment for after finally being referred to the local mental health team after calling 111 a few weeks ago and explaining that I was going to kill myself and needed to let someone know because I have a baby and his dad doesn't always wake up when he cries. I am very hormonal at the moment as I'm ovulating, which always makes me literally suicidal. I don't have postnatal depression, my son is basically the only thing that makes me want to stick around at this point, it's my brain and everything that's happened in my life up to this now that's the problem. I never feel happy, I don't care what happens to me and I regret having my baby because he's such a joyful, sunny, happy child and he deserves so much better than me as a mother. My partner is incredible, kind, patient, supportive and considerate and consistently pulls his weight with caring for our baby and the house, in addition to having a very full on job. I feel enormous guilt for not being the happy, capable partner he should be moving through life with.
Please somebody tell me something to make today seem survivable.