Anyone experienced self hate from past regrets?

[Ruminationstationagain]

Hey everyone, was just wondering if anyone else has ever gone through an intense period of self reflection (in my case, childhood trauma) and then ruminated about all the bad things you’ve done in your life? It’s causing me extreme anxiety and depression. My therapist has suggested I have CPTSD and OCD

And it’s all I ever think about. The regret, the disbelief that I have made some shockingly bad decisions, remorse and self loathing. The guilt!

I’m a very different person now than my past self but omg I'm hideously embarrassed. Remembering some of the things actually repulses me until I vomit.

I have started therapy and I’m considering meds but just hoping for some stories of success and happiness following similar experiences?

Just editing to clarify: I never physically hurt anyone or did anything illegal. More like seeking male attention in crappy ways ☹️

Oh gosh yes. Not as extreme as you describe, but during a low patch it kept me awake at night. Not even anything especially bad! A bit of pick-me behaviour, some money I lost in a foolish investment that I'm very ashamed about etc.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. For me, it massively intensified during (unsurprisingly) perimenopause and (also unsurprisingly) lockdown.

Yes I think this is very very common I cringe about things I did forty years ago or more.

I think it’s normal to squirm with embarrassment about things in the past - self hate is a much stronger word though and in no way constructive for you OP . Everything that happens in life is a contributing factor leading up to where you are now and where you are going . I tell myself that if you could change any of the past then your current and future would be different and some of the good bits would be missing . For me that helps me find the switch to turn off those negative thoughts .

Im sorry you are feeling the way you do but glad to see you are seeking help - keep going

Self hate is too strong a word for me. Embarrassed- yes, shamed - yes. But I tell myself what’s done is done. I cannot go back and change events and reactions, no matter how much I want too. What I can do is work on, and accept, why I did what I did. Then try to change how I react to situations going forwards.
The right therapy and therapist helps.

You are a different person living in a different time so it stands to reason you would do things differently now. Just as we are meant to change physically, surely we are ‘intellectually’ as well. The person that you were then has gone, just as the people you were with have gone as well. Forgive yourself and move on.

thank you for all these lovely posts! I am so grateful for them all. I cried a bit reading them - I won’t lie.

I wasn’t a fabulous human. But there were reasons for it all (just didn’t know it because I was in survival mode at the time). Just hate the fact I’ve been like it at all.

The shame is intense! My therapist is wonderful though. Just hope the feeling of dread and guilt buggers off soon.

I worry about people finding out what I used to be like even though it was years ago!

I can relate a lot to what you are describing and I’m sorry you’re going through it. Like you I lived a lot in survival mode due to an abusive childhood and I would engage in attention seeking behaviours (nothing crazy but I let myself down on occasion) looking for validation and/or love. Like you, I’m not that person anymore but I struggle with self forgiveness. I think it’s because I was treated so poorly growing up that I view myself like my parents did, with a lot of disdain and anger, I struggle with self compassion and things like that. I’m in therapy and it has been life changing but it’s very tough going at times, I had to face my past traumas which has been very painful but it’s so necessary for healing. I think this kind of journey is a lifelong one tbh. Try to be kind to yourself, you really deserve it x

@junebugalice you have described me! Perfectly. You’re an angel for writing this - I no longer feel so alone. 💐 I’m so sorry you’re going through it too. It’s awful x

In hindsight I should have had therapy in my 20s!

Aw thanks for your kind words, they brought a tear to my eye. God, the feeling alone thing I totally get, unfortunately. Even though I’m happily married, with kids of my own, I still feel a bit weird, or less than or something. I’m no contact with family of origin for almost a year now which has been so healing but also painful due to self doubt and, to use your phrase, the self loathing (getting better at this but it’s slow progress). Also, with regards CPTSD, my therapist has mentioned that word too and I agree with her that I have it. I’ve been in therapy on and off for 5 years dealing with the effects of my childhood and I’m getting there. And you will too, you’re half way there really x

Yes! But I console myself with the thought that the fact that I feel bad means I have grown as a person. Life is a journey. I try and be sympathetic towards my younger and unsupported self.

Thanks everyone for helping me feel a bit more “normal” ☺️ really appreciate it!

I'm in my mid 70s now, and I don't know one of person of my age, who doesn't look back and cringe at what they said/did/didn't say/didn't do. Some relatively trivial, some that deeply hurt others.

I've done things/haven't done things I'm ashamed of. But all I can do is try to learn the lessons that those things gave me.

Beating myself up is going to help no one, and only hurt me. So I don't. I try to live my life trying to remember those lessons, not the transgression and act accordingly trying to make fucking sure I don't repeat other mistakes. Though I sometimes fail in that too.

@user1471453601 Thank you so much for your honest reply. That’s the boost and the honesty I really need!

We've all made a tit of ourselves over a man at one time or another. God knows I have!

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. You wouldn't be mean to someone else over this, so it's not justified to do it to yourself. It's ok to make mistakes x

Thank you!

I’ll be discussing meds tomorrow with the doctor. I think they’d help with the OCD.

It’s quite a lonely subject in real life because so many people are judgemental.

@Ruminationstationagain that post came from my heart. Everyone one of us has regretted our actions/innactions. Beating ourselves up about it doesn't help us or the person we hurt.

It what we do, and what we learned, that helps us and others.