I admitted I was a victim of SA as a child (TW)

[Socksandmolly]

Hi. I've name changed for this and I'm posting here as I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this.

I've had a depressive episode since just before Christmas, and my GP signed me off work as I was having suicidal thoughts (and I have a job supporting vulnerable people) and I was able to access some private therapy sessions through my work healthcare scheme.

I don't even know how it happened, but one minute, I was telling the therapist how down I am feeling, and I started breaking down, saying I never felt loved or important and that's because I was the victim of sexual abuse by a neighbour when I was a child.

I've never spoken about it before, out of fear I wouldn't be believed, and I've always had low self esteem and had abusive relationships as an adult. I never had a safe, secure childhood. I was neglected by my parents but nobody stepped in to help me. I just adapted to it.
The therapist was lovely and supportive and she believed me. I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I'm not carrying this secret around anymore. But I'm scared that now I've told someone I'm going to be labelled as "broken" or "damaged".

Sorry if this makes no sense
I just wanted (needed) to tell someone that I opened up about the one thing I've been keeping a secret since I was 8 years old. My DH is away on a training course and I don't want to talk to him about this over the phone and my friends have things going on. The guy who did it is dead, so I'm not going to get any closure but I want to believe it isn't my fault.

Thanks for reading.

The therapist will keep it entirely confidential, so of course you are fully protected from being labelled as anything by anyone.

Therapy should be a complete game changer for you - persevere with it and in time you will heal and know deep inside (just the way I am sure you know logically) that you are valuable, worthy of love and nobody in their right mind would judge or label you as you were a completely innocent, helpless child when it all happened.

Sending you so much love.

I had my own childhood issues and therapy was hard but so relieving for me. I didn’t click with one therapist but the next one was the right one for me and she really rebuilt me.

This is so entirely normal after a disclosure. You’re safe, don’t panic. You’re still the same person before you opened it up. This isn’t some chasm moment where you cease to be who you were before, you’re still the same person you were yesterday. You weren’t broken then, you’re not broken now. You’ve had a bit of an insight which you can choose to explore whenever you’re ready, or not.

I know conventional wisdom would have you saying everything now needs to go up in the air like a game of boggle but it doesn’t, you can continue to choose your path and you are always, always in control of that.

Be kind to yourself right now and take next steps at your own pace - even if that means pausing. You are in control.

You are so brave and obviously now was the right time for you to speak out. (In a weird way it might be 'easier' to speak out now the person is dead, so they aren't they to manipulate or deny what you say.)
Be really gentle with yourself and just take a step at a time, don't rush anything.
Sending you hugs x

What you actually are is a survivor. The abusive bastard is dead, and you are still standing. And now you have found the strength to take the first steps to open up. That is so courageous. And how much more will your therapist be able to help you, now you both know the root of your struggles. I wish you peace and healing.

How Do you feel now you have shared this OP?

You're not "broken" or "damaged" you are a survivor. Well done for telling the therapist, that took courage and strength.

I wish you so much luck for the future. And I hope you keep getting the help you need to heal. X

@Socksandmolly I don’t have any advice per se. But I wanted to say that I will be thinking of you. It’s very brave to have said to someone else and the first step in your recovery. You might feel broken and damaged but the reality is most of us are in some way. And that doesn’t make you less important, less lovable or less beautiful that anyone else. You’re stronger than you think. Sending love and hugs.

Congratulations! It’s a big step, and you may well feel a bit wobbly. Hang in there. It doesn’t change anything unless you want it to.

And I’m sorry you weren’t looked after properly.

You are very brave.
None of this is your fault, you were a child and you were abused by an adult who should have known better. You have done nothing wrong.
In my eyes you are not damaged or broken, you are a brave brilliant person. I wish you the very best.

OP, you’re not broken my luv. What happened to you was terrible and I’m sorry you’ve carried this around with you for so long. Healing from CSA is a process, you’ve taken the first step and you’ll have help from your therapist to guide you through the rest. It is not your fault but grooming depends on you believing that it is. That’s the toughest part to overcome, that it wasn’t your fault, and I send you heaps of courage and love with your journey going forward.

Take extra special care of yourself tonight my luv. You must be exhausted. Big hugs xx

Thank you for all the support and the lovely words of understanding.

I'm usually so careful of what I say in therapy, so opening up today has been surprising and emotional. I feel a bit numb but also emotional, too, if that makes sense? I have been giving my DD big hugs, because I feel so blessed to have her and I would never want her to go through what I went through.

I'm so sorry for all of you who have been through the same/ similar things.

People see me as being strong and I'm the "fixer" and problem solver I'm my "everyday life" so that's why I find it do hard being vulnerable.

I appreciate all of your support. It's strange how people you don't know can offer as much supplies as people you do know x

Sometimes it’s just easier to speak to strangers! I’m glad you have a DD to cuddle your children do give the best cuddles.

I can remember driving home after disclosing the same to my counsellor. I was 39 and it was the first time I'd ever discussed it. My abuser was still alive at that point but for one reason and another I eventually decided not to pursue. How I laughed when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness a few years later.
Once you are over the next few days, I hope you will keep on with the counselling. It's a shock when you first disclose - you have been programmed that you will get into Trouble if you tell, there will be Trouble, it will start a load of Trouble and good girls don't start Trouble.
But there doesn't have to be Trouble. There can be quiet working-through, calm acceptance of a situation you had no control over, were not to blame for, did not invite in any way, and sheer weightlessness of no longer carrying that burden on your shoulders.
I think the disclosure has made me a better parent, a more reflective person, and it's helped make the people around me who know understand me better.
I'm 20 years on from disclosure now and I have peace and acceptance over my life.

We’re all behind you OP. Xxx

Aw, thank you for sharing your story.

Yes, I felt like my entire childhood I had to be "good" and not cause any trouble as I was it shown affection (with gifts) when I was "good".
So I have been scared about opening up as I was scared about getting people into trouble, as silly as it seems as my abuser and my parents are all dead.

I am so glad you got peace x

@BountifulPantry Thank you x

Haven't spoken to my DH yet and i didn't tell my MIL, who I have a great relationship with, just incase she let slip to him. I'll talk to him tomorrow when he gets home.
I did try to ring my best friend, but she just went on for an hour about her slimming world class last night and how she's not losing weight. I know that's important to her, but she asked how my therapy session went, and I said emotional and I disclosed some stuff that's left me emotional, and she was like "I hope you're managing ok. So, last night.." .. she's also very talkative and a fast talker, and when she's on a rant, you can't get a word is as she doesn't stop for breath.
I'm just tired of managing everyone else's problems, and being "the rock" but when I need support, no one is there.
Sorry for ranting. Just had to get that off my chest.

That’s really disappointing of your friend. I’m sorry. She clearly hasn’t considered that this wasn’t a ‘fine thanks, how are you?’, moment.
Perhaps you could message asking to meet for a coffee as there’s something specific you would like to talk about/ask for support with. That way she knows to pay attention!

It’s ok to seek support here while everyone in real life sorts themselves out!

It’s also ok not to tell your DH, and not to tell your MiL.
Be aware that people’s response in the moment can be really poor if they haven’t thought about it. They don’t mean to sound as awful as they do, they’ve just been caught out.
Again it’s helpful to prepare them- I’m going to tell you something that’s important to me and I want you to hug me and say it’s ok.
That gives them a steer that you don’t want them to tell you what to do/ask loads of questions, you just want support to be brave.

Some examples of unhelpful but common reactions-
Why didn’t you tell me?
Why have you kept this from me?
But you never said, are you sure…?

and much worse.

I don’t want to scare you, just to prepare you. 💐

@myplace Thank you for the advice.

I do want my DH and MIL to know. DH is the only guy I've been with who isn't abusive and his mum is really lovely with me. And we have a great relationship.

I'm also thinking of how I parent my DD. I never let people give her sweets, because that's how my abuser got too know me. He was the old guy with the sweets. My MIL and DH let her talk to strangers and if anyone offers her sweets, they let her accept. I've never told them why it triggers me so much. They just think it's COVID related and I'm a germaphobe(my DD was born during COVID)

I know everyones reaction will be different. I don't plan on telling everyone, just the important people in my life.

I know my best friend didn't mean to be selfish, she's just in her own head about her weight, it's just my own head is saying I'm not important and I don't deserve compassion, which I do know is wrong.

I have managed to book in with the therapist again on Thursday, just said I was feeling very overwhelmed, so hopefully talking to her again will help me make some sense of how I'm feeling.

Thank you so much for the advice x

I’m so pleased you have good people around you.
I was unlucky! (All trivial and in the past now- and indeed I think we are all more informed these days. I was disclosing years ago.)