Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

Dont know where to turn

22 replies

Lianne77 · 09/05/2008 09:36

I have been with my partner now for 9 months. I have two children from my previous relationship and thought things were great,he came into my life originally when I was 15 and then again when I was 30. I really thought he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with then last Friday he told me he couldnt deal with the fact I had children and left. I saw him again on Saturday and he was crying and telling me he loved me but he couldnt put himself through this anymore. He has cut all contact with me wont answer my calls or texts whilst I am sat here crying all day long. I havent eaten in nearly 7 days and I can sleep. My friends are trying to help me but I cant seem to forget anything. I really dont know how to get through this, I didnt see it coming and thought my life was perfect until last week. Please can someone give me some way of getting out of this mess, im fed up of crying and having this pain in my stomach. Im trying to focus on my two DDs but I cant and I dont want them to suffer anymore as they are missing him too...

OP posts:

triflenorks · 09/05/2008 09:51

Lianne, if he can not except that your kids and you are a package, then frankly my dear he does not deserve you or your tears.

Original poster

Lianne77 · 09/05/2008 09:57

I have tried to think of it like that but why wait nine months and let me think that everything is ok, I feel pathetic and worthless and dont know how I can get over this. I have had a rubbish year as my partner of nine years left me a year ago and I thought I had met the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and then he does this out of the blue, he says there is no one else but how can you just do this to someone. I really had no idea he felt this way and he doesnt seem to care what he is putting me through. I have never felt this low in my whole life and I just want to stop feeling so rubbish!

OP posts:

triflenorks · 09/05/2008 10:06

he was your rebound. What (men aside) have you always wanted to do, but have never done? when this happened to my best friend she passed her driving test and got a levels. It sounds superficial but she needed to take her mind of things and sort of prove to him that he was the one that had lost. He came back, it had been to soon for him.

fluffyanimal · 09/05/2008 10:11

"wait nine months and let me think that everything is ok" - probably he does love you in his own way and was really trying to give it his best shot. But for some people, children are simply a deal breaker and if he is not ready to take on your kids, then there is no way you'll fit that square peg into a round hole. It sounds to me like it is for the best that he has cut off all communication. Terribly sad as it is, you need to accept that it is over and try to find new directions in your life. Triflenorks has good advice - do something challenging for you!

Original poster

Lianne77 · 09/05/2008 10:17

I know that he is never coming back but I just cant deal with the way he did this to me, im trying to hate him but I cant, I have got rid of every reminder of him but cant get him out of my head. I know I need to pull myself together but I just dont know how. I want to stop crying, but cant and I want this feeling to leave my body but it wont. Its been nearly a week now and its not going away.

OP posts:

FAWKEOFF · 09/05/2008 10:27

all i can say to you is that it is his loss, if he is so immature that he cant accept the fact that you have 2 beautiful daughters from another relationship then he isnt worth wasting tears on x
believe me you will find someone who worship the ground you and your daughters walk on....do not settle for anything else you and your girls are worth more than that.
I know it hurts now but it will pass...try and get a little bite to eat and have a brew

Original poster

Lianne77 · 09/05/2008 10:36

Thank you my girls are my world and Im trying to focus on them more than anything and try not to put them through any more hurt than they have in the last 18 months. This is what hurts the most is he knows what I went through and then did it all over again to me. He kept telling me he loved me but it wasnt enough. I just dont know how I can handle him not being in my life anymore.....god I sound pathetic, I just wish I had some idea that was going to happen....

OP posts:

fluffyanimal · 09/05/2008 10:36

You don't need to hate him. That will just make you bitter and set you up to be untrusting if a future relationship comes along. Try to accept him for who he is - a nice but flawed guy who doesn't fit with your way of life. That happens.

It is early days. Be easy on yourself. You've lost someone who was important to you. You could probably do with some food though, to give you the energy to cope. A fruit smoothie - cooling for this weather and easy on an emotionally churning stomach?

FAWKEOFF · 09/05/2008 10:51

he is a nob jockey.....if love is not enough that good friggin riddance to him.
you will end up with the last laugh, sounds like he has commitment phobias.
you havent asked him to be their new dad....but he has made his decision there is nothing you can do
Hold your head high and do not jeapordise your self worth for a total tit like him x x x

Original poster

Lianne77 · 09/05/2008 11:32

Thank you and these messages are helping me, and I know there is a light at the end of hte tunnel, I just cant see it yet. Im just worried too that I will never feel like I can trust a man again as its not fair on the girls either - believe me not that im thinking about that now.....I just wish I could turn of the switch that tells me how much I love him and im scared of being without him and why on earth I didnt see this coming?

OP posts:

littlewoman · 09/05/2008 11:50

Hello Lianne, I undestand your feelings. We could put up with pretty much anything in this life if it didn't hurt so much. If you want to change the way you feel, you must change the way you think about him.

It would only damage you if you began to hate him (trust me, I've done it). Do try to think of him as a nice but flawed guy, like fluffyanimal said. That way, you can feel a bit sorry for him because he couldn't appreciate what he had.

You and your DC's are of value, every person in the world is. Wait till somebody who really fits comes along and notice how much happier you are when you know that ALL of you are being loved.

wornoutbyarguing · 09/05/2008 16:08

lianne ,i really feel for u right now have felt the same b4 i met my hubby,had relationship with a guy i thought was my soulmate but he couldnt cope with my then 10 year old son and did the same so dont feel alone.
being hurt is like a punch in the stomach and the pain will pass please believe me,you will move on and feel whole again......
8 years later i did see him in town once while shopping and was sooooh glad we didnt stay together ......keep posting on mn for support ,thinking of you x

Original poster

Lianne77 · 09/05/2008 17:27

These messages have made me feel better today and I have eaten for the first time in 7 days. Im finding hard not to think though things like "this time last week we were fine" and this time last week I was about to take the hardest knock down I have ever felt" I just want to stop the what ifs and if could I have changed anything! Its been 7 days now and the pain just wont go away, im telling myself im worth more than that and so are my children.....just wish the thought of him would go away cos I know i would have him back tomorrow!

OP posts:

wornoutbyarguing · 09/05/2008 17:43

lianne
glad to hear you have eaten something today,keep your strength up and your thoughts positive.
take a long soak in the bath tonite with lots of salt which helps get rid of negative energy ,lite some candles and drink lots of milk.
mite sound bizarre but it really does help you relax and sleep .hope u will feel even better tomorrow xxxxxxxx

Original poster

Lianne77 · 10/05/2008 09:46

Im trying so hard but i woke up crying again this morning, all I can think about is him and what he is doing. I even dreamt about him last night, I feel like I am going on and on about this and im doing my own head in. Just dont want to think about him anymore......

OP posts:

TheodoresMummy · 10/05/2008 11:42

It's still really early days tho Lianne. Give yourself a break. It will get easier with time, this is the worst bit and you will get through it.

Do nice things with you girls.

And do something for YOU !!

littlewoman · 10/05/2008 11:43

I spent a long time counting time in Tuesdays, IYKWIM. It happened on a Tuesday, and every Tuesday that rolled round was another week I added on to my length of pain. I know it sounds silly, but it was like a whole new calendar. Instead of Anno Domini, the calender became 'Time Elapsed Since My Husband Left'.

I wish there was some way I could tell you how to get over it. I'm so sorry for you.

Original poster

Lianne77 · 10/05/2008 12:09

He spent so much time around the area that I live in that everywhere I go is a reminder, luckily for him he lives 40 miles away and has disappeared for good to get on with his life and left me to pick up the pieces. I just wish he could see the pain and anxiety he has caused me.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Lianne77 · 12/05/2008 15:45

Well he finally called me last night to discuss paying for the holiday we were meant to be going on, during this conversation he told me that he realised he was happier before he met me and that is one of the reasons why he called it off. Needless to say I found that hard to take!! He is fine and dandy now he has his life back while mine is still in tatters! Its been a week now please let me know it gets easier????

OP posts:

wornoutbyarguing · 12/05/2008 17:19

dear lianne
you are so much better off with out him hun believe me,it does get better its going to be difficult for a while but the pain will get easier each day.

i remember when me and past ex split up lying on the floor howling like a mad animal because it hurt so bad and taking nytol when i had dropped of ds at school to blank out the pain,i look back now and wonder why i put so much energy into grieving for something that was so wrong for me.

i have now split up with dh after 8 years and it hurts but in context its copable to manage than that mad raw pain.
its like an addiction one day at a time x

Original poster

Lianne77 · 13/05/2008 12:18

Thanks for that message, it does give me a little comfort that other people have been through the same and come through the other side - I received an envelope this morning with my house key and a cheque for the holiday we were meant to be going on, no note nothing!! Makes me realise what a heartless person he really was, he is only concerned for himself!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lianne77 · 14/05/2008 16:02

Its been nearly two weeks now since he left me, why dont I feel any better? It was my first day back in work today and I have spent have the day crying as everyone is asking how I am, I cant stop thinking about him, all I want to do is call and ask him why he has done this to me and try and change his mind- I want to be stronger but dont know how!

OP posts:

Flip