Self consciousness and feeling hopeless

[Everestisthebest]

So I basically have been extremely self conscious my whole life. Conscious of how I look, how i dress, how I talk, how I walk every little thing. Its limiting my life massively. The problem is I've done loads of therapy and i felt like i was making progress but the past few weeks ive felt worse than ever. I've started emdr and I'm wondering if that is causing these emotions to worsen as I'm really delving into those core beliefs that nobody loves me, abandonment etc. I've had a lot of trauma so maybe that has caused it. But I'm starting to feel hopeless that I will ever feel good about myself which makes me so sad.

Conscious of how I look, how i dress, how I talk, how I walk every little thing.

Who did that to you?

Take deep slow breaths

This will pass

You will feel different again

Bring love and light into your core, into your heart, and into your breath and you inhale and exhale

@Eyesopenwideawake a lot of people but mainly my family, chronic criticism from my dad, humiliation, attacks and scapegoating from my siblings. Bullied in school also as a teenager.

@Largestlegocollectionever thanks for the reminder as i literally needed a deep breath. Feel like I've been holding my breath all day. I want to feel happy, I want to love or even like myself.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, there's no excuse, and I hope your father and siblings are no longer in your life.

It is possible to break the emotional link with past trauma - you still remember it but it no longer affects you - which would allow you to change as much or as little as you want about yourself but it has to happen on a subconscious level. It would be good to make sure the emdr will achieve this.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you, yes very minimal contact really thankfully. Yes i haven't actually addressed any of this in emdr yet as have been addressing other more distressing memories but i do think it has had a huge impact on me. I wonder would it be as effective for that type of trauma like ongoing smaller incident rather than one big trauma

Honestly I think if you try anti-d's it will help block the anxiety and negative self talk

@Everestisthebest if only you believed in your username OP. I don't know you but your post makes me feel so sad.

Have you done any Inner child work? I think this is the key to finding yourself, who you really are and why you are experiencing these feelings.

You are loveable. You are enough. You must believe this x

How old are you if I may ask OP?

@Mozzarellaballs I'm actually on sertraline but have been contemplating increasing my dose as I've been on 100mg for years now.

@Whistledown2 thank you, you are very kind. I honestly would love nothing more than to love myself but I don't think I ever will get there. It's just a constant stream of negativity. My therapist asked me to say something good about myself and I couldn't think of anything. Wondering how could I do inner child work, will look into it. Thank you.

@Everestisthebest it is much easier to love someone else than love yourself isn't it? How can that be I ask myself?

I suffer from low self esteem and go through periods of despising myself. So I know how it feels to find something positive to say about oneself.

I am of a mature age (60s) and I still have bouts of negative thoughts but they are definitely diluting (that's why I asked your age) so I think with a lot of work it can improve. But you're never 'off duty' you have to keep those positive thoughts and strategies on hand every day.

Constant criticism, personal attacks, humiliation and scapegoating are textbook tactics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which can apply to an individual or many members of one family. If you read up on NPD, you'll find that the experts point out that the scapegoat (or victim) is usually the mentally healthiest person in the entire family. Also that the 'black sheep' is the only one telling the truth.

Hold your head up high. You've done nothing wrong. And whenever you feel self-conscious, give yourself a pat on the back. You've survived one of the worst types of upbringing it is possible to have. You're resilient, you're capable, you're strong. You don't need anyone's approval to be you. And once you stop seeking approval and caring too much about how you are perceived, people will flock to you. 💪

@Everestisthebest Here's a couple of videos which explain what negative core beliefs are and how they are instilled into us in childhood;

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It is possible to cut the emotional ties, to stop believing what you were told about you and to replace those outdated (and simply wrong) beliefs with healthy, adult, balanced ones. Have a peek at my AMA - lots of info on there.