Has anyone every had a breakdown? How did it happen, what happened? Am I heading that way?

[Normansglasseye]

So sorry this is long and rambling but I don't know what to do, my GP is not helping and I can not afford private help.

I am scared of everything right now. Scared about my health (mental and physical), scared for my future, my dc future, my dh's future, my parent's future. I am scared I will have a breakdown soon.

I have always suffered with poor mental health. I have struggled with ocd, panic, anxiety, intrusive thoughts etc since I was a small child. No understanding as to why this is other than my mother's side of the family also have/had anxiety issues.

I am currently on a very long wait for an ADHD assessment. I was referred last May by my gp surgery via right to choose but the referral got lost somehow and now I have to start again so will be another 6-8 months wait.

I suffer from a myriad of anxiety disorders which have always been with me. They may have waxed and waned over the years but never fully leaving me so I just plough on through with life feeling like crap but over the last decade I have experienced stresses which others may be able to get through and leave behind but for me, each life stress feels like it has pulled me down. It is as though I carry a backpack and each life event is like a massive rock and right now it feels like a ton weight and I honestly feel as though it will break me at any moment and I don't know what to do other than allow it to take me down.

Most of how I feel right now stems from around 8 years ago. My ds(19) started experiencing school anxiety which progressed on to school refusal, mainly during his secondary years. As the years went on it became harder and harder to get him to school, every morning was a battle and the school did not help at all, the attendance officer would threaten me with fines etc but offer no actual solutions to help get dc into school. No one helped, they promised counselling and all sorts of help but nothing happened. Eventually I got him some outside help (counselling with a teen charity). It very much helped him and he has gone on to find a job he loves and is learning a trade, he is doing well and is happy. However, the stress from those years wrecked me and still stays with me today.

Whilst this was happening, my mum was diagnosed with dementia. I now help care for my mum and seven years on she is like my child now. It is so stressful and heartbreaking watching your elderly parents suffer. We have carers etc and everything in place but mentally it is soul destroying, it is such an evil disease & breaks down the strongest of people (and I am just not that strong). I read it is a living grief and that is so true.

Whilst my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's my lovely MIL was being diagnosed with IBS by her GP although a year later we found out it wasn't IBS but a rare intestinal tumour. She suffered from a horrible death and that will stay with me forever, I have never seen anyone in such pain.
I have suffered from IBS for half of my life and now at 52 it is the worst it has ever been. I have daily issues and nothing I do eases it. I have had endless tests but my gastroenterologist keeps telling me it's 'just' a functional digestive issue. I know it is probably being made worse by all the stress I am under but I can't help worry about what my MIL went through. All of her symptoms are all the things I fear.

And perimenopause is not helping but HRT is not an option for me, I have tried several types but they exacerbate my endometriosis issues. I have tried several antidepressants but they make my gut issues worse. I try everything to rid myself of this daily and overwhelming anxiety but no amount of healthy eating, exercise, mindfulness, meditation etc will rid me of these intrusive thoughts, panic, ocd, health anxiety and very very low mood.

I genuinely feel as though I may be heading towards some kind of breakdown in the near future. I have been fighting it for so long I wonder if I should just let it consume me as it seems to want to come for me. What happens if I do let it overwhelm me?

Has anyone had a breakdown? What happened and how did you get over it?

I have had a few unfortunately, for me its characterised by acute anxiety which sometimes results in not being able to sleep , eat, work etc. last time I experienced intrusive thoughts as well which were scary. Ive been like this since the age of 12. Despite it Ive had a good career (in mental health!) had a family and done well financially.
Both my children are neurodiverse and now ai see that I am as well (high masking) and Its helped me understand why I have these issues.
For me when I hit breakdown I have to massively reduce life stress, so have had a few long periods off work, as I have gotten older (apart from when I started menopause) things have improved quite a bit and I live a reasonably low stress life.
theres lots you can do to help yourself even if there are genetic components.

I have. I had severe anxiety that just got worse and worse. I couldn’t even sit still it got so bad, I became convinced I would drop dead any moment, scared of everything. Endless panic attacks. I started waking up screaming not knowing if I was awake or asleep. I had derealisation and depersonalisation. At its peak I started seeing things and hearing things. It was incredibly frightening.
It was also triggered by a lot of really hard life events that felt like they were snowballing.

Im better now, but I still have an anxiety disorder, it’s just more manageable now.

Yes. I can't really remember it though and I have a missing year about which I have no recollection. I know I was signed off work, medicated and my parents scooped me up and took me away. There's a photo from that time and I look completely vacant. I ended up changing my job and having lots of counselling.

Oh OP. I am on the verge of a breakdown and evey day is a monumental effort to keep a lid on myself and keep it together. I don’t have any advice but my hand is here for you to hold.

I did. Medication and CBT helped me out of the hole. I have to work each day to stay well.

Hello lovely ❤️ I just wanted to reach out and say you’re not alone and that there are so
many people who have either felt the same way or are feeling the same way at the moment. I know it feels strange to take comfort in that fact but I hope you can because the truth is that the vast vast majority come out the other side.

I have had a rough couple of years- including a cancer diagnosis that has thrown our plans to conceive out the window. I think one thing I’ve learnt is that often the breakdown and grief doesn’t come at the time because you’re too busy absorbing what’s going on and keeping things ticking over- it’s often when you finally get a chance to stop that things hit you the hardest and you crash. I struggled with this because it feels like on paper things are ‘better’ yet the feelings are only just coming to the surface.

I am still very much in the trenches alongside you but I have faith we’ll get there. Sending love x

Yes I have. During a period of acute stress, divorce, house move across the country, new job, I suddenly started having vivid hallucinations and hearing voices. They were very, very real. It's quite hard concentrating on your new job when shadowy figures have been whispering at you all night as you lie in bed WTF is going on.
I thought my new home had ghosts, I was terrified.
My GP sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with CPTSD which they think I've had for around 40 years.
After some medication and counselling on the NHS I was fine. The "ghosts" disappeared.
Luckily my new employers were very sympathetic and let me have time off for counselling, this was all during covid.
But everyone's breakdown is different.

Yes, well done for spotting the signs. I would definitely ask go for anti anxiety medication , self refer to nhs cbt, also try stepping back from things and saying no and learning to slow down both physically and mentally. Take some time to do things you enjoy or find somethings you enjoy doing, do them as often as possible. Only if they are sensible things not drinking wine etc. if you have an adhd brain your brain will just be whirring 24/7 and it's exhausting and tiring so take sometime to rest.

I had serious one 15 years ago I was 31. I went through tough emigration to UK as a single women wasn't easy also I was working in horrible jobs where they just use me and abuse me . I worked sometimes 60 hours per week. I met my husband and find out I was pregnant and year after having a child I had serious psychotic episode just a month before I was due to come back to work I couldn't handle it. I was under early psychosis team for 4 years. They have discharged my and said to stop antipsychotic drugs since then I'm fine. I never ever want to remember this time of my life I'm still in rubbish jobs even so I have degree but spent lots of years on recovery and upbringing my child. Because of my experiences I did lots of psychology courses and volunteering jobs in mental health. But now I don't want to have anything to do with it as I think people are horrible and that's the problem is too much hate, jealousy and selfishness around.
I did job for NHS as well and saw a lot I so sad and upsetting.

Yes to having breakdowns. The reasons are usually glaringly obvious after they happen but I ignore the warning signs and carry on just wearing myself out. That is until I can't go on anymore.

I become completely unable to human. To work. To parent. To do anything. Sky High anxiety. Panic. Depression. Physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted.

What helps? Sertraline to give me breathing space to try to build up my energy. Rest. A break from work.

I am really sorry you have had such a horrible and difficult few years. No wonder you are feeling how you are. I know you say your gp hasn't been helpful. Could you ask to see a different GP? Do you have a support network? I'm not exactly a social butterfly but I have managed to build a very small circle of friends that I can talk to when things get too much. They help talk me down when things are too tough.

It could be worth trying antidepressants again to help. There are so many available. It could take a few goes but something will exist that will help I'm sure. You mention HRT. Did you take it with progesterone? I am no expert but I understand that is necessary when you have endemetrosis.

I've had one and I'm going through another now. It's ghastly and it feels like demonic possession. My first one lasted several months and involved constant crying in public. I ended up in hospital for a few days. You can get through it and when you do you'll wonder how you got into such a terrible state but it just creeps up on you without warning. At the moment it feels like I'll never get out of this. My life's been so tough and has been ruined by poor mental health. Knowing now what some people go through in life and the terrible power of depression and anxiety - well I just think life can feel like a fate worse than death. I absolutely understand the terror and horror of mental illness it is absolutely terrible that life can torture us like this.