Could he be bipolar?

[Sockmate123]

DH has always been a bit moody and difficult to live with but it's worsening recently. We had a daughter with additional needs and he doesnt seem to get how his shouting and general behaviour affects her. Or he doesn't care. I'm not sure. He constantly clashes with our son, usually ending in tears. I often think he is a narcissist as he very much puts himself ahead of others and lacks empathy apart from certain situations. Like if I told him a child died down the road, he would just reply oh gosh, like wouldn't ask details or suggest how to help. ( this situation happened and that was his reaction)
Whereas guys being killed in line of duty he would put up statuses on SM etc he comes from a military family.

Sometimes I think he just wants to be seen to care but doesn't actually.

Some of narcissistic traits though he doesn't have. I've just this morning had a light bulb moment thinking is he actually bi polar. His mother is. He cannot follow the most basic instructions when hes in a mood. For eg this morning he was making breakfast, I said I didn't want anything would get something later. Not hungry. He started frying up bacon, I said who is that for? He said you, I replied i just said I don't want any, I'll sort myself later. He threw a huge tantrum causing our daughter to cry and went out slamming the door. He is now doing silent treatment. I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of him. Really am at this stage.
There are redundancies being announced in his job tomorrow, he has been told he won't be affected but is using this as an excuse for moping around the past 2 weeks and flying off the handle at every given moment.

Looking up bipolar it says can be highly focused or not focused at all which sounds like him exactly. Anyone any experience/insight?

Bipolar disorder is characterised by extreme mood shifts that last weeks or longer. He could be on top of the world for weeks-he might over spend, or become absorbed in tasks, his speech will quicken etc. The next phase is a crashing down into a depression that will also last at least weeks if not months.

Does he actually have noticeable mood shifts that last for weeks/months or is he just an arshole everyday?

There's nothing really in what you've described that suggests bipolar disorder, OP - the typical features of that are cycles of increasing energy and activity, characterised by rapid speech, insomnia, disinhibited behaviour, impulsive spending etc, and progressing in some cases to delusions and psychosis. Alternating then with long periods of depression.

He doesn't sound bipolar. Not everything has to have a MH diagnosis. Some people are just self-centred and moody and allow themselves to behave much worse with their partners and kids because they know they can get away with it. He sounds like he resents you and DC and takes it out on you. I wouldn't tie yourself in knots trying to make it fit some condition or other. Focus on yourself, what you're willing to put up with and what steps to take if you've had enough. Even if he did have some legit condition, it wouldn't mean he can treat you like shit.

Thanks all, yes as one poster said 'just an arsehole every day'

Not every single day but most days.

I don't know what to do te kids. DS is 13 and will just ignore him behaving like that, do his own thing but my DS is 9 but a very young 9 and as I said has additional needs. He knows hes upsetting her and me carrying on like this. She just wants everything to be OK and is just now asking is Daddy talking to you again. Like this is how it goes he'll decide when hes talking. She just wants everything to be right. How do I deal with all this for her?

So far I have just said to her that this behaviour is not normal and not acceptable.

What else could I say? I'm at a loss. She asks me semi regularly if we are going to divorce, I keep telling her no but I really am getting sick of him and think its a possibility.

We are travelling abroad tomorrow to a funeral, his family all attending..he'll want me to be all sweetness and light to them, he'll try make up at last minute but he'll ignore my Mum when she pops in later or make things awkward.

I feel like saying something to his parents tomorrow, sick of pretending everything fine.

That should say dd not ds

He sounds awful. It not a healthy relationship to subject your children to.

I think you'd get more help if you posted on the relationships board.

Thanks for that x

He sounds moody and immature. He has tantrums like a toddler and he's upsetting your children. They are crying and constantly asking about divorce. The silent treatment is abusive.

I'm sure you all walk on eggshells around him.

He is very immature. He reads bits and pieces of psychology books or rather listens to bits of podcasts, he'll then throw stuff like you said it in a passive aggressive manner when I absolutely didn't.

I have absolutely had it with him tbh. He says he gets no thanks for the money he earns etc when we literally do nothing but say thank you constantly for anything and everything. I think he wants a marching band with a manner.

Have to travel with him now tomorrow for an overnight to a funeral in UK (we live in Ireland) and the thoughts of it. I didn't pay Ryanair 8 quid for seats together as I actually rather sit beside anyone but him!

We are 13 rows apart. I'm delighted

That should say banner not manner, I'm rage typing lol

So far I have just said to her that this behaviour is not normal and not acceptable.

I guess the issue is that despite what you say it is her normal and it is being tacitly accepted as it goes on and nothing changes. If it goes on, then it's accepted and the words don't really mean much. It does sound like it's reaching breaking point though which won't be easy but will be for the best by the sounds of it if it means you and DC won't have this as your normal for much longer.

Like everyone in this situation, making the break is so difficult as its so final. He is just so difficult to live with too.

Being mentally ill can make you difficult to be around. I know when my mood is high it's hard on my partner. The thing that gets us through is the fact I always engage with support. If he raises concerns I listen. It took a long time and a lot of patience from my partner to get to this place. We have been together almost 20 years. When my mood isn't high things are completely different.

There's nothing that jumps out as bipolar to me and from an outsiders perspective the relationship in general is strained and not in the best interests of many involved. Lets say it's some other mental illness what would he have to do to make staying feel worth it. Acknowledging there's a problem would be high up my list, engaging with support, changing behaviours for sure. Now thinking objectively do you think we would be capable or willing to do that?

My work is going through redundancies at the moment and I am at risk. I will admit I haven't been my chirpy self all of the time, I'm a bit preoccupied and stressed for sure but at the same time I've not been taking it out on my family and to my daughter I'm my usual self.

You can be an arsehole and you can be an arsehole with a mental illness. Neither means those around you have to put with you being an arsehole!