Ugly, stupid and weird

[Dancingnoleggedcaterpillar]

I am all of the above.
I am so tired of being so awkward and everything feeling so hard all the time.
I think even if I weren’t so ugly it would feel differently but people must think I’m ugly and then I haven’t even got a good personality 🤣
I am not good at keeping friends because I start to feel they don’t like me or are only friends because they feel sorry for me / want something and then I feel like I’m weird and so I withdraw completely from them, confirming that I am weird.

I don’t know how to break this cycle.
I don’t really want to be alive but I’m too scared to kill myself. I wish I could just turn life off, with an easy painless button.

Then I think of course my mental health is bad - why wouldn’t it be? If you are like the lowest of the low and have nothing going for you, why would you feel happy or optimistic?

but people must think I’m ugly

I start to feel they don’t like me or are only friends because they feel sorry for me

I feel like I’m weird and so I withdraw completely from them, confirming that I am weird

Nothing wrong with being ugly (hasn't done me any harm).

Define stupid please - lack of education?

Weird is fine. Better than boring.

How many of these cognitive distortions do you recognise?

https://arfamiliesfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Cognitive-Distortions.pdf

I would see your GP about your suicidal feelings. Can you make an urgent appointment?

You might benefit from CBT. You can do Beating the Blues online for free or find a therapist.

It might help to work on your self esteem. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is a good read.

Op I’m not particularly pretty, I mess things up a lot but I enjoy life- can you find the little things you enjoy? Reading? Art? Pampery showers and walks and animals and comedy? Even a good cup of tea? Do you always think about this kind of stuff or is it just at certain times?

I would avoid CBT like the plague and try to find a psychotherapist if you are at such a low ebb.
Is private therapy something you can afford?
But see your GP first as a matter of urgency.
Good luck.
People do recover from feelings like you are having now.

I’ve always had these feelings. And they are better sometimes and worse at others but they are always there.
The only thing which helps is isolating myself completely and not expecting or wanting to be friends. I have made the mistake at work of thinking someone was a friend recently and now I feel like they just think I’m weird and don’t like me so I’ve stopped communicating with them unless I absolutely have to.
This is always how I am. I make a friend and then think why would anyone want to be my friend and then I just decide actually it’s better to preempt it and I stop communicating.

I feel like if I could be on my own and never have to see anyone it would be better.

Had therapy - didn’t work, had antidepressants, didn’t work - they don’t change who I am and I think unless you are someone who literally has nothing going for them it’s impossible to understand.

I would like to know how I get past the survival instinct which prevents me from taking my own life. Because that is all which stops me. It’s not ‘protective factors’ or the hope it might improve. It’s just fear.

OP you can contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team as you are obviously in crisis. 111 + option 2.

You can try to make an urgent appointment with your GP to discuss your feelings.

You can contact the Samaritans, they're available 24/7.

You can also contact CALM, they're a suicide prevention organisation and have webchat and a helpline.

I just think you need some new friends, people, share your interests. Find some clubs you like?

Do you exercise? It does wonders

Are you me? This is literally me, all of it. My best answer is to isolate yourself and find joy in being independent. Focus on you and what you can offer yourself. Once I stopped hoping to be friends with people, it helped me to relax more because there were fewer expectations. I didn't need anything from them.

It sounds like you’re putting too much pressure of yourself. If someone thinks you’re weird that’s their problem. Who knows you might be quirky. I’m no oil painting and wouldn’t win any beauty contests but I’ve grown my hair, take care in my appearance, show interest in other people (those I like anyways) and remain friendly and approachable.

I still hardly have any friends so spend time doing things I enjoy. I’m so much happier nowadays. It may be worth going back to the doctors about taking ADs, or to look at another one. It’s been life changing for me. I’m on Sertraline and I feel so more relaxed and chilled than I’ve ever been. Yes, exercise is a good one. Do you exercise?

@Theresnocarpets
can I ask how long it took you to get to this point pls? I try and then get thrown off and start feeling all the negative feelings again 😔

Hi Wooly. It did take me some time to get to this point. Probably a couple of years feeling crap and low all of the time. The realisation that if I didn’t do anything about it, no one else would. It’s when I first went to the doctors and she prescribed me medication. I still have a few low days but nothing like I’d previously felt. I’ve taken up a few hobbies (crafts) and take pleasure from them. I’m still work in progress but doing the best I can. I hope you find your path too x