I feel so icky with myself. My ex and co-parent has told me he isn't currently seeing anyone - I asked because I wanted to clarify that before he introduces anyone to our 9 month old son, I would like to be informed and vice versa.
However, I feel like he's lying. He told me he doesn't have the money to even be seeing anyone (he earns good money but tries to guilt trip me about child maintenance) and reiterated that if and when he starts seeing someone and its serious enough to introduce our son, he will tell me.
I have seen online that he started following someone new in his new area, and he even speaks like her now. His best friend and her started following eachother, and her friend and my ex started following eachother.
I feel like an obsessed psycho that I dug enough to even know this. I should be well rid of him considering how he treated me. But now he's indifferent and I'm the one obsessing. I worry because he was in a secret relationship with my 'friend' behind my back whilst I was pregnant and kept trying to spend time as a family with her and our son as a newborn whilst lying to me about it all.
I feel sick that he might be seeing someone new. This new girl seems outgoing, comical, shes into fitness, shes stunning and has a really fun happy vibe. Everything I'm not. He was very manipulative, controlling, disloyal and emotionally abusive and he was so subtle with it most of the time I justified it and no one else saw it. I feel awful about myself that I am so obsessed and stalkery but also that I shouldn't even be giving him a second thought?
I think its because I'm worried he will treat her properly, unlike me. I am also the only one of his harem that he didnt make his official girlfriend, although so far hes treated us all like crap and has been emotionally abusive to all of us.
We lived together for 2 years as an 'item', yet why did the other girls become girlfriends and got gifts and I never did? Does this mean that I really was the problem?
Things ended because I caught him cheating, and he managed to make it my problem and ended things with me. Then he came back and we continued for a while but thats when the fairytale was over and things became abusive.
How do I move on? It's been over a year already 🥴 therapy doesnt seem to be helping yet. I lost most of my friends because of how I became during our relationship and also him turning people against me.
I feel like I am acting narcissistically - feeling jealous even though we arent together, basically stalking him online etc. Still feeling like I was there first. Feeling upset at the thought of him loving on someone else and like I meant nothing to him. Not wanting him to move on and be happy etc.
I have made a 6 page document with all the terrible things he has done to me, but it doesnt help reading it because I feel it was all my fault, and in reaction to the way he treated me, I also acted in ways I'm not proud.
how do I cope with this?
I am triggered by almost anything and I have started to dissociate and have obsessive intrusive thoughts reliving everything.