I need a woman's opinion please

[PAWS44]

Hi, I am a man, I just joined. I wasn't sure where to go for advice and mumsnet popped up on a random google search.
I'm 58 next week, have 4 children with my ex wife (never missed a payment even when i was made redundant I sold the car to pay) - kinda got over the "she cheated on me why do i have to pay" scars.

I'm happily remarried several years later and now have a SEND stepson. I'm very well paid, work too many hours over several timezones for it, my wife is on minimum wage as a dementia carer.

I find it difficult to talk to other men (always have done) so i've come here. I think, no to be honest, i know i'm having mental health issues. Mostly I can hide it but i find myself crying at nothing, my sleep pattern is all over the place, i'm eating enough food for a family of 3 and worst of all i have totally lost my libido. Its gone from 3 times a week minimum anywhere anyplace to nothing. If i look at 18 plus websites i can still "react" but the desire to look at them has gone. Its been 9 months now. I've been working non stop for almost 42 years - always the provider and i just want to give everything up and retire early, but i still need to provide for my youngest who is 13 and my stepson who will never be independent.

My wife has started thinking its her fault i am not engaging with her physically (she is 50) and I have tried very hard to try and tell her I still fancy her, love her etc but I also know "actions speak louder than words" and my head just has no inclinations in that area.

I seem to have lost all drive both at work and at home and everywhere says just talk to a GP but thats not easy for me. I don't even know what "advice" i am after i'm just getting it down as it pops in my head. How can i help my wife understand what i don't understand myself. Feeling a failure is not even close to how i feel.

I'm not suicidal, my dad did that and i found him - i would never wish that on any child to grow up with. Closest I got was when my daughter died in 2000, but i had other children to look after so as bad as things seem that's not an option.

Thanks for taking the time to read, my apologies if i've wasted your time.

You say you can’t talk to a GP. Is that because of reluctance or is it logistics?

If it’s the former, I think you’ll have to bite the bullet - it sounds as though you may be sleep deprived or depressed.

If it’s the latter, there are online services.

It doesn’t sound like you are telling your OH exactly how difficult you are finding things. Perhaps a more frank conversation is in order so that you can both work out a plan of action.

Hope you can get help. Some time off to sort things out might be a good idea.

It sounds like you've been through a lot of trauma. I'm sorry about your dad and daughter.

What you're going through sounds like classic depression. You should go to the Dr and get a check up and discuss medication.

Therapy might be beneficial. You can try BACP.

Supplements may help alongside good diet and exercise. Lack of libido can have physical as well as psychological causes, that's why your Dr should be your first point of call.

I’m so sorry to read what you are going through. If I’m reading right you lost your father to suicide and you have also lost a daughter. Enough trauma for anyone to deal with. Have you ever spoken to anyone? You sound utterly exhausted.

I think you need to be honest with your wife. Tell her how you are feeling. Forget the stuff about money or libido - providing for your children from a previous marriage or having constant sex won’t impress anyone here. You and your wife are a team and if it means you have to “take a break before you break” then you do. What can you do to take the pressure off? I had a breakdown/burnout whatever you want to call it - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. You need to sort this before you get to that point. Talk to her and work together to find an answer that works for everyone.

I'm in a very similar situation, except I'm female. Unfortunately, things won't improve until you accept help, and see your GP.
Personally, I'd also recommend therapy. If you can afford to pay privately, then I'd really recommend doing that.
Pick 3 or 4 therapists that you think you'll click with/can help you and have a phone chat or see each one for a taster session. Stick with the one you feel most comfortable with and go from there.
Tell your wife, or show her your post, if words fail you. Let her be there for you.

Good luck, and please remember that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone needs help at some point in their life.

I'm so sorry to hear it's so bad at the moment. You've got a huge weight on your shoulders.

It might help to write a few bullet points down and have them ready to hand to the GP - essentially what you wrote in your first post about eating, sleeping, libido.

Some medical help could mean things improve to the point that you can tackle longer term things that will help - exercise, maybe changes in your life. But I do think you should get medical help first and probably some time off. I found my two weeks off with stress a terrible time and don't remember much about it but I definitely wasn't safe to work either.

And I agree with therapy. You might be able to access some via work? You've dealt with an enormous amount in your life. 💐

I believe in the effectiveness of good talking therapy particularly when faced with severe trauma and burnout. With your past you may score very highly on trauma which has a long term impact on your immune system and overall health. A professional can help you to formulate where you're at, which then helps you to see the severity of the problem. I'd imagine three months off work just looking after yourself and recovering would be appropriate for the state you're in.

Fresh air, outdoors, rest, exercise, sleep are simple but very effective ways to get your body back on track. Won't hurt to do a physical health check too, including blood test for thyroid issues, vitamin deficiencies and the like as there may be underlying physical reasons to your fatigue that you're not aware of.

The first step of admitting the problem is the hardest. Good luck!