PND with 3 kids. I need to hear it gets easier.

[Ibytam]

So I've never suffered with PND before with my other two children but I'm 5 months postpartum with my third and I think I'm coming to the realisation that how I feel cannot be normal.

I am struggling every single day and it feels like it's getting worse if I'm honest. I am making the step in the morning to ring the doctors because as much as I'd love to push through this I genuinely don't think I can and I'm becoming worried for myself.

My kids are nearly 6, 2 and 5 months old. I would say I was coping really well up until Christmas came tbh, so maybe 6ish weeks a go. I just suddenly couldn't cope anymore, started dreading every single moment of every single day and I was begging my partner to be off work sick. It was like suddenly every single thing the kids did triggered me in some way. Please be kind because this is so hard to write out.

I'm snappy, horrible to be around, I shout a lot, feel so shit for not being good enough because nobody eats healthy, in fact nobody eats, the older 2 are the worst eaters I've ever come across. The tv is on more than I'd like to admit too but I just haven't got the energy atm to entertain them all day every day when we’re home. We have a 14 year old dog and he’s been my entire life since I was 18 but even he is annoying to me, hearing and watching him pace up and down the house whining for no reason, barking all the time when outside. It’s all too much for me. All of this just makes me feel like a shit person and an even shitter mum.

My eldest is at school every day but when I pick him up is probably when I start to seriously struggle, my mood massively plummets and it's like I'm at complete boiling point. They bicker over everything, wake their baby sister up from her nap, constantly ask for things NON stop and as soon as they see me dare to sit down they ask me to do something else, it's like clockwork. I tidy the house so much and feel like it's always a complete shithole 24/7. Luckily they're all pretty decent sleepers except the 5 month old can be, well, a 5 month old at times and wakes usually 1 or 2 times a night. So I know this isn’t sleep deprivation.

My partner is a really good dad, does his fair share despite working full time in a demanding job. He gets up with them every single morning atm and even takes eldest to school with the middle child with him before dropping him back off to me and then going to work. I worry because I'm angry so quickly, I cry all the time and really just want to walk out of the house and never come back. When they cry and argue I just want to scream as loudly as I can, the noise triggers me so badly.

There are some positives I promise. We get out every day as quite honestly being at home makes me feel 100x worse. We visit friends for play dates, parks and soft plays etc. plan big days out at the weekend when dad is off work and can help. Just lately I have found myself aimlessly driving and taking longer routes home because I just do not want to be there. The other day after the school run I found myself outside my childhood home, I sat and cried with all 3 children in the car. I really can't bare to feel like this a moment longer. Please also know the dog is very loved, but I know I don’t have much longer left with him and it breaks my heart to think I’m spending his last years feeling like this towards him, I’m a mess.

I don't know anybody else who's suffered with PND, does medication always help? I am really desperate to hear other people's stories and how it's hopefully gotten better.

Tbh those age gaps make me stress just thinking about it. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling? What support do you have?

They are really hard ages atm tbh. I have properly spoken to my partner today when he got home, he has been wonderful as he always is tbh. I have a lot of people around but they all have their own lives iyswim. The person I need the most is my own mum, but she lives 5+ hours away. I miss her so much and wish I could just drive to her house and go spend a couple of hours there with a warm cup of tea.

Hey OP, you’re really articulate and seem to have good insight into your mental health. Speaking to your GP is a good first step. Have you reached out to your HV?

Feb can sometimes the point at which Vitamin D deficiency is at its height...please check with GP ...your bloods may be the key to the tiredness you are feeling. Or it could even be thyroid related.
I experienced very bad symptoms from vitamin d deficiency corrected with a loading dose. And I did not need anti depressants which was the GP first suggestion.
Your bloods can be so revealing..anaemia, B12, thyroid, FolatesVit D...all contribute to mental health and physical symptoms.
HTH

Like you I was very overwhelmed with 3 and never thought it could be something physically wrong and that I was doing something impossible, to attempt to cope when my health was out of whack. Definitely not a case of pulling myself together or being more gungho...

Mine were three under two years as second batch twins and I thought I was a failure for not managing but the truth is I was doing well to manage anything at all! So what if house is messy and children are fussy eaters and watch tv all the time. You are doing a fantastic job coping with three and getting out and about so often (I couldn't even drive when mine were that age - learnt later) and do not beat yourself up for "failing", just keep reminding yourself how much everyone depends on you and how bloody IMPORTANT and precious YOU are, and how you deserve help and attention from the GP, if something is not quite right, and not to be fobbed off.
Also look after yourself not just kids...they won't mind if you buy yourself a pot plant or a book or your favourite food or watch a nice drama series they don't care about tidying or all the things you should be doing.

My mum was also not available (lived abroad) and this made me so angry sometimes...no cups of tea no Sunday lunches or house to offload kids too. The stress builds up and you have to take time to acknowledge with sadness, not with frustration, how that feels for you. And acknowledging it makes one feel a bit better. Mothers need mothering to make good mothers; but that can help too, think of it from your little ones' point of view...you are God and they don't know anything else but you in charge.
So that can be a reminder of how important it is to look after yourself so that you don't get cross with them. Because they don't comprehend why you feel sad, they just feel the effects.

I went through a stage when I had baby twins and a two year old when everything just felt so bleak. I started feeling like that before I even had the twins to be honest. I just didn't feel myself. Like you I felt like I was miserable and I was so worried about the effect on the kids. The truth is I began to really feel better when I went back to work. I'm absolutely fine now but I still feel a twinge of sadness looking back at photos of that time. Things will get better, it's just that things are really hard now. Do you think your Mum could come and stay for a bit? Also absolutely speak to your GP x

What helped me most was seeing friends with small children at mealtimes occasionally . One friend used to joke about mealtimes and green veg 'muscles from Brussels", lightened the tone and detoxified my meal rage!! Also being out was so much better than being in my messy house and stopped it getting so messy.

But maybe re reading your post, what might help you, is going out less and making home more of a refuge for all of you, a place where you can relax with each other. The six year old must be feeling quite bewildered and tired himself after school so perhaps start with getting him on your side, something nice and simple to make him feel he is your ally, and secure. No demands just security. Mine loved listening to music without screen, CDs or records, soubtracks of musicals for example. Just listening or lying on floor. But no demands after school.