Letting go

[Isthereanypointtoallthis]

I feel my whole life has been a struggle.
I've very recently, as an older person, been given an unofficial diagnosis of autism. And that has been a revelation to me as to why I have found life so difficult.

Up until now no matter what has happened I have had some self preservation instinct that has made me try to keep up with the normal tasks of every day life.

Now I just want to let go. I just feel too weary to be able to maintain my home, to be bothered with day to day tasks of looking after myself. It all seems so pointless. I just feel all my life I've struggled to be " normal" and its all been a pointless sham. I feel as though I could quite easily now just go down the route of squalor because life is too much effort to bother anymore.

Having struggled on many occasions with suicidal thoughts i feel I'm now on the downhill slope to death without even having to actively kill myself.

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much OP. It’s interesting that you are finding it more difficult to keep going since your diagnosis. It sounds like you need to be kinder to yourself and to lower your expectations of what you need to achieve at the monent.
Have you considered an autism
support group to speak with others in the same position as they might be able to help with strategies to deal with your autism?

Thanks for your reply @Fouradayistoomuch
I don't think it's the diagnosis in itself although that is causing me a lot of grief because I just wish I had had this knowledge about myself years ago.
I just learnt tonight about meltdowns. I had no idea that my inability to cope with certain situations and me going ott was actually because of autism. I've always been so ashamed of my behaviour.

But I feel now my letting go of normal life is more just a cummulation of life events and just being totally socially isolated and having only myself to rely on. I've always in the past been able to will myself to cope but now I'm just floating free and have nothing to anchor myself to normality.

Would it help to give yourself permission to rest and take it easy for a while. It does sound like you are exhausted and you might feel better if you just recognise that and be kind to yourself.
Could you take a few days away somewhere away from the drudgery of everyday life?

How are you feeling today @Isthereanypointtoallthis?