Brother's Mental Health Affecting Relationship with Mother

[Oodiks]

My brother and I have barely spoken since a hideous episode in November 2017. He became distressed that my mother was upset that I was emigrating with my then husband and our daughter, got very drunk picked fights with my then husband and ranted and raved at my mother into the small hours. The next morning, I suggested that he and my ex-husband should talk to clear up their argument, and he countered that he and I had issues, but when I contacted him to arrange a time to talk, he brought up issues with my ex-husband from years before and then said he wanted a 'complete break.'
Our relationship had been strained, to say the least, for years largely because he is bipolar and has manic episodes where he becomes extremely volatile.

My mother has at times leaned on me for support, and at other times blames me for specific episodes. He has been in a manic phase since before Christmas and she has just told me about it. She didn't tell me earlier because I was under a lot of pressure moving house, which I appreciate, but she's blaming me for his current episode as he is apparently distressed about our exchange 6 years ago.
There's obviously more background, but it's a lot.

TL;DR, should I accept responsibility for my brother's current mental state on the basis that I disagreed with him 6 years ago about something that happened years before that? How do I handle this? I want to be supportive to my mother, but not at the cost of accepting blame for my brother's mental health.

bipolar is an illness - a serious mood disorder. Your brother cannot control his behaviour when manic, especially as he’ll have no way of knowing he is ill during the episode, that’s one reason it is such an awful illness. Given 10% of population has bipolar and most people don’t realise they know someone with it, most people’s bipolar can be well managed with medication and other strategies. I’m sorry that that doesn’t appear to be the case for your brother.

Your mother and you can only control your own behaviour. Your Mum is responsible for blaming you even if she’s piggybacking onto what your brother has said. You can’t control that if she’s going to use that as a coping mechanism- just dont accept it as a valid premise and that will stop it bothering you even if she persists (takes practice but it is possible). And you can decide how much of your brother and his illness you can cope with and control your interactions. There is no need for his illness to come between you and your mother, although I’m sure it’s a strain to deal with in your lives, and it’s not his fault if it does (in my opinion). I hope he does have people in his life that can help him.

Thank you for responding. Part of the issue is that, unless he is having a manic or depressive episode, my mother will not discuss his mental health with me and accuses me of 'pathologizing' him if I comment on his pressured speech patterns, or his behavior as he's going into a manic phase.
For the most part I have a great relationship with my mother, but when he has a manic episode and blames me, she is on his side of whatever perceived argument is going on and I find that really distressing. I should add that my mother is probably also bipolar, it runs in our family, and I feel grateful not to have been personally affected.
This has been going on for the past 30 or so years now and I am exhausted by it.

That does sound exhausting. You’re maybe caught up in a bit of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I’ve had to emotionally withdraw from my family for different but similar reasons to you. I still have regular contact and we meet up but I never ever call them when I’m upset in any way and I’ve moved away so there is a physical distance barrier too. I use to try and “correct” their “story” but I leave them all to it now. You’ll never change them - you can only reduce how much it impacts you by changing your own behaviour. My role in the family was to be the unsung hero always on hand to be an accessory in their lives and prop them up at my cost - with everything I did unnoticed and unappreciated until I didn’t do it any more! I still love them but I’ve stop waiting for it to be my turn to be the one that can rely on them. And I do a fraction of what I used to do for them. I’m sure to them it genuinely feels like I’m selfish and ungrateful. I’m certainly a lot happier and have more energy for my own life. My health has been impacted by my childhood and my resulting coping mechanisms and I suspect yours will have been too. You know best how to look after yourself - so I would try and be as kind to yourself as you can manage. All the best with it all.

As long I was in the UK I knew I’d be obligated to attend family gatherings with him. I honestly thought being thousands of miles away would put and end to the constant round of arguments, rapprochement, new arguments. Instead, he’s just focused on old arguments and my Mum is just taking everything he says at face value and blaming me for his current internal argument with me.
I’ve told her I can’t be held responsible so she’s mad I’m not properly supportive of her!!

Have a look up of medium chill and grey rock. The only strategies that truly work in my experience. You’re friendly and lovely to them but give them nothing of you emotionally and don’t let any emotions of theirs hit you. At the moment, you’re still losing the “emotions tennis game”. They’re lobbing the balls over the net and they’re staying with you in your side of the court. Don’t trying to lob them back - which it reads like you’re trying to do at the moment. Let them just fall and ideally mentally walk yourself off the court. They can keep lobbing those balls but you’re emotionally not there to be on the receiving end.

Or lordy, 'grey rock' were my watchwords in the last days and weeks of my awful marriage.

It's hard because I'm usually blindsided by these things, more so being thousands of miles away. So last week I talked to my Mum, and she seemed stressed, but didn't say anything about my brother, and this week she opened with a salvo about her distress at his state and my responsibility for it!! Totally out of the blue!

Would it work if you had some phrases ready to hand to get off the phone asap if you get no forewarning?

It might, I'll think about that and may print something to keep somewhere handy when we talk.

So, I'm told that a lot of his current distress relates to our differing opinions on the Middle East. One of the many stresses on my marriage was that family gatherings were often difficult for my ex, who is Jewish, because my brother was always finding some new aspect of Judaism to 'discuss' with him which my ex found, reasonably IMO, irritating.
Now it seems my mother is hoping that now that I am no longer 'dominated' by my ex-husband I will change my worldview and come to see Zionism as the evil they believe it to be.
How am I supposed to deal with that?