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Help!!!

7 replies

Flo112 · 02/02/2025 17:28

I have been through quite a lot of trauma in my life..
From domestic violence from my parents some stuff a child shouldn’t see.feeling of not been wanted no emotion from mum&dad just been dumped anywhere and with anyone that would have me.dad dyeing very suddenly at the age of nine and get woken up through the night to tell me he died didn’t really understand what had happened tbf.mum meet a new guy very quickly after feel pregnant my brother was born with lots of problems but I became his weekend mum because my mum was away getting smashed so I was in and out of hospital with him while she was away drinking.i seen my brother get ran over at the age of 5 I had to go in the ambulance with his as my mum was to drunk..then in my teenage years thing just went from to shit.the night I lost my virginity it was forced and pressured into it.but after my big cousin who I really looked up to raped me I trusted him I said he had something to show me and to follow him and my friends to just start walking he took me behind a shed pulled my jeans off and raped me I was 13 at the time.I was so ashamed for years that I kept it to myself until 2 years ago only told my partner..there is so much more I could go into but it would be a book. I just feel completely lost in my life I have never felt like I have fitted in anywhere..my doctor has always been crap telling me I have anxiety disorder I completely agree my anxiety is shocking but I have always felt there is something else but they won’t really listen..so I was looking for some help where would be best to get help and what kind of help..my past traumas really affects me in my adult like..I think I just need someone to hold my hand I tell me what I need to be doing to get help..

OP posts:
username299 · 02/02/2025 17:35

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.

You can contact an organisation called NAPAC. They support survivors of childhood abuse.

You can also contact The Survivors Trust. They have a good helpline and can signpost you to specialist counselling for survivors of sexual abuse.

Anxiety UK does affordable therapy if you don't have the funds.

If your GP is unhelpful then change GP. You might benefit from blood tests to see if anything physical is contributing to your anxiety and can ask about medication.

You may also benefit from inner child work. You can get workbooks on Amazon you can work through at your own pace.

I also recommend Magnesium as well.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 02/02/2025 17:41

Oh wow OP, your life has been very traumatic from the beginning. Your anxiety likely is caused by this trauma, it is a key symptom of cPTSD- complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is a type of PTSD people develop when they have undergone long term serious trauma.

Not fitting in anywhere - that’s honestly not unusual for someone that experienced such trauma and was parentified as a child. You were never parented because your father died at an early age and your mum was an unavailable alcoholic. Instead you had to parent yourself and your brother. You can’t relate to most adults who had a ok childhood and a proper child/parent relationship.

The cousin raping you- that’s not your fault, I am so sorry you feel ashamed of it. You shouldn’t. You were a vulnerable child with no present parents and these older boys/men took advantage of that.

You have been let down & traumatised by every adult or person that was meant to love and to protect you, it is only natural that your personality would then be hyper cautious of other people, especially those who say they love you. Your anxiety is literally what you need to survive. To try and avoid being hurt again.

Your doctor is crap. Is there anyway you can see a different GP? And ask them about a psychological assessment? Perhaps some therapy for cPTSD? This isn’t a regular anxiety disorder that can be helped with a few pills. You need some one to one, long term, intensive therapy.

Eyesopenwideawake · 02/02/2025 18:05

@Flo112 Whatever happens please understand this message;

None of this was your fault. None of it. You didn't cause it, you couldn't have stopped it, you were not responsible in any way for what happened to you.

These videos are really useful in understanding childhood trauma;

s
s

As others have said, you need specialist counselling and you should talk to (or email if talking is too scary) the organisations mentioned by @username299 However please don't accept diagnosis from the internet - or Mumsnet - leave that to the professionals.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=273s&v=ARqB_fbznoo

Flo112 · 02/02/2025 19:33

Thank you so much for all your replys it means a lot..to look at me you wouldn’t think there is anything wrong I hide it very well but I’m so sick of just not feeling normal.like I actually don’t know who I even am because I have had this mask on my face my whole life..I have an amazing partner and amazing kids but I feel like I am letting everyone down.i spoke to my doctor a few years ago and mentioned cptsd and she was like yeah everyone has trauma..so I never botherd pushing that..would I be better going private?

OP posts:
username299 · 02/02/2025 19:35

If CPTSD resonates, you might find Pete Walker's book CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving helpful.

Yes, you'd be better off going private. I've given you organisations in my post who can help with therapy.

Flo112 · 27/02/2025 21:06

Hi well I have finally plucked up the courage and got appointment for Monday at the doctors..but I am so worried that they are just going to dismiss me and tell me it’s just my anxiety my doctors are all aware I suffer with anxiety but I just feel there is more going on..

OP posts:
SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 28/02/2025 20:41

harsh truth is GP will likely dismiss you the first few times you go. You need to be persistent and keep going. If GP says they can’t refer you, ask for local resources/charities as some offer free or discounted therapy.

I was initially rebuffed and got signposted to a free 6 week group trauma CBT course, which was not helpful. BUT the charity then wrote a letter to my GP saying I really really needed face to face individual trauma therapy and it was that letter that got the GP to refer me to NHS mental health.

The mental health waitlist is so long that GPs are actively gatekeeping people away from it.

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