Self punishment

[Birthdaycake369]

I wonder if anyone else does this, I seem to purposely be snappy or mean with one of my family members so that I can then feel terrible about it and feel self loathing for myself. It’s not a frequent occurrence but it’s happened again today and I’d really like to stop doing it for everyone’s sake. My childhood was one of domestic abuse and emotional and physical abuse so it could stem from here. I don’t understand why I do this and how to stop

My childhood was one of domestic abuse and emotional and physical abuse so it could stem from here.

Children are, by necessity, egocentric. They believe that everything that happens around then somehow relates to them; they are the centre of the universe. So when there's abuse of any kind a child will think that they were in some way responsible, that it was something that they did (or didn't do) that caused it. It could be that, for you, the abuse becomes so normalised that you are now repeating the pattern to recreate the feeling of responsibility and hurt that "you" caused these arguments and fights. You can stop this but you will need help to do so. Please talk to your GP about therapy.

Thanks for replying. That makes sense, when there was fighting and violence in the house as a child I would start cleaning to ‘help’. I’ve had CBT and EMDR counselling in the past but I still do it. I’m in therapy at the moment for something else but maybe I need to revisit the childhood stuff again

EMDR and CBT are useful to understand things.

Rumination is a form of self protection that’s become destructive over the long term. I make a conscious decision to not think the thoughts. Takes practice but I’m definitely improving. I have a list of fun things to skip my brain onto. Exercise always helps me (I’ve been know to do wall press up and squats in the loo at parties before now!) and if it’s really bad, I do use doom scrolling. I know that’s not a great thing to do but for me it’s better than my own thoughts. As my friend quotes “being in your own head is being behind enemy lines”.

Your childhood coping mechanisms are based in your subconscious mind rather than your rational, conscious mind, which is why you feel you have no control over what you do. Your subconscious is not trying to hurt you, on the contrary it's trying to keep you safe but the harm it's trying to protect you from no longer exists (which is why it's so confusing). Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis - lots of info on there.