Can’t cope

[CMay922]

My baby is 6 months old and I cannot cope. I had an awful pregnancy with ill health, traumatic birth and emergency surgery 6 weeks postpartum whilst dealing with major issues in my family. I felt fine until we hit the 4 month sleep regression and since then I’ve got progressively more depressed and angry. I’m under the perinatal mental health team but I want to be taken into a mother and baby unit as I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Today we went to Lidl to attempt the shopping and my baby had pooed straight out of the sides of her nappy which she does every time. The rage that came over me actually frightened me. I’m only now calming down an hour later. I just feel I’m a horrible disgusting mother and she deserves so much better than me. I just can’t cope!! How am I supposed to raise a child if I can’t even do the weekly shop? I’m at a loss on what to do

am I being dramatic wanting to go inpatient? I’m just terrified that next time I lose it I’ll do something I’ll regret (not to baby but to myself, I’m angry at myself for being so useless and letting myself feel like this) I don’t want them to take my baby away either I love her with every thing I have I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m losing my mind

It sounds like you're having a really rough time - a lot of that is very common across new parents, but looks like that is compounded by other things going on.

I'm no professional but I do suffer with high functioning anxiety which means I put a lot of pressure on myself and one thing I would say is to lower your expectations of yourself. Babies poo, and they do it in the worse places. That is not an indication of your parenting but of course you're annoyed, who wouldn't be.

Try to give yourself some benchmarks of success for the day and justify them. For example, if you're putting pressure on yourself to have a tidy house then downgrade that to an acceptable standard - the lounge and kitchen to be clutter free, and the rest to be safe to move around in. If you feel pressured to eat well and are cooking, set yourself a target to do that twice a week and buy some mutlivitamins. Write them down and tick them off at the end of the day.

It's really tough to not be hard on yourself and I've certainly not cracked it but I do know what I need to do to get over it. I just need someone to remind me of the 'acceptable' standard from time to time. What support have you got?

I’ve pretty much given up trying to have a tidy house. I think I’m being very realistic on what I can achieve and some days that’s absolutely nothing other than survive… unfortunately I have to go shopping as my little girl is weaning and I need to feed her so that’s just something I can’t avoid (unless I do an online shop which I forgot to do today)

i have very limited support. My partner works nights and sleeps until 2/3pm and I’ve no close family or friends to help so I do everything myself, I don’t think this helps as I often feel really tearful at the lack of support and think I’d kill to have an hour where someone takes her for a walk and I have an hour to myself. My partner won’t leave the house with the baby for some reason. If I ask him to watch her for an hour he can only do it in the house which means I have to leave if I want an hour to myself which I don’t bother doing as I find it really stressful going out and thinking I have 10 mins to drive somewhere, 30 mins to walk around a shop or gulp down a coffee and then 10 mins to get back… I feel awful moaning about motherhood but I just didn’t realise how relentless it would be!

I am sorry to read that you are finding things so difficult. TBH, when I read your post, I could identify with much of what you said, and I had my girl nearly 22 years ago!

Like you, I had a not ideal pregnancy (terrible sickness through most of it), a long and difficult birth that left me traumatised. I didn't have the emergency operation you had - that must have been awful. I hope you're OK.

I think the rage you are feeling is understandable as it sounds like you are trying to do most of the childcare on your own and have no family nearby. The sleep issues are exhausting and for me were the worst thing. You must be exhausted. What I would say is that your emotions, while natural and understandable, sound quite severe. I don't think you necessarily need inpatient care. I would talk to your GP - I did and they were amazing (sadly not the GP I have now). When I did, they prescribed Sertraline to help my moods stabilise and help my sleep, as I had terrible insomnia. This really helped and calmed me right down. I did have some help, though, as my husband worked normal hours, not nightshifts.

Do you wonder about inpatient care because you are desperate for a break? It sounds to me that you really need a rest and some TLC. That, combined perhaps with either meds or counselling (or both) might get you through this time. I definitely think that what you are feeling is completely understandable - you're trying to cope with a young baby mainly on your own and on lack of sleep. It's no wonder you feel the way you do.

And, BTW, I have been there with the poonamis! They are quite spectacular and disgusting.

Wishing you all the best.

@CMay922 how many nights a week does your partner work ?
You have to lay it on the line he has to help you.
Why can't he take the baby for a walk ??

Sounds like bad post natal depression , hormones and stress of life. You will be alright. The baby is going to grow up fast and this stage will feel like a blur. Your doing great. Have you looked to see if baby could be lactose intolerant? Just if having a lot of explosive nappies, poor baba.

I have 2 autistic children, and my house will be a mess most of the time , I let it be. They won't be little for long and I remind myself of it alot. I have a tonne of daily stress. You will be ok. You have support from mental health people. You'll get there.

It sounds incredibly tough. I have red that your partner works nights. Is he trying to pull his weight? Or is he "I work nights, what can I do?" and then fuck of my to bed?

Once my dd had diarrhoea and vomited on me literally as we landed at our holiday airport. I'd packed clean clothes for her but not myself. We then had ten days of gastric flu. It was absolute hell. I wished we'd never left home.

I'm not trying to complain- just to illustrate that it can be absolutely impossible and humiliating. It was having children that taught me to not to take life too seriously. But I may as well laugh at myself because it was never going to be perfect. Everyone else said I made it look effortless- ha! They didn't see me first thing - retching and sobbing in the shower.

See the GP, but don't doubt yourself- it can be soul destroying

Also look into diet and balancing your hormones/ supporting your own body and mind. You need to reset your nervous system daily, sit for 5 mins 3 times a day and breathe and visualise something or place calm. 5 mins is all it needs to help your nervous system with overwhelm. Take that time your husband is home to have even 30 mins each day / evening and focus on self care. It's very important.