Advice needed please

[Harrjenk]

Hi, I think I’m really struggling with my mental health at the moment and would appreciate some advice if anyone has been in the same boat. My husband is in the army and we have a 4 yr old. I’ve felt ever since my son was born that all my needs have been thrown out the window. I don’t resent my son for it at all as I recognize the privilege of being his mum, but I resent my husband. Since I had my son I’ve followed my husband around army postings, far away from family and friends. It’s so hard to find meaningful work and I had to give up the job I loved as it was too tricky to do remotely. I’ve recently found a remote job which I thought would perk me up but instead I feel like I’m drowning. My husband works long hours so all “house stuff” is on me as well as childcare (son in nursery 3 days a week). I can’t seem to make a decision on how to make life better as nothing seems to be a good solution. The most recent thing that has happened is that my husband had just found out he has got a promotion which he really wants. But it means him being away during the week for 12 months just as my son will start school. He’s so upset that I’m not jumping up and down celebrating him but I can’t stop thinking of the impact on me. So guess what we had another massive row. I’m dreading being left alone on an army patch while he goes off for a year. I miss my old friends, I miss face to face contact, and I feel like I’m being so dragged down by the sheer volume of stuff to do. House work, packed lunches, childcare, admin, washing, getting to bed on time, wanting to exercise but failing, looking after the dog, being a good, fun mum, being a good wife (something I’m failing at the most), succeeding in my new job etc etc.

anyone been in the same position? Do I need a shake and get on with it or do I need to make a drastic change to my life? TIA

That's really difficult op. Did you both talk about him going for the promotion beforehand or did he just make a unilateral move there or was it a surprise to him?

Are there any support groups/ other mums on the base you can lean on who are in the same shoes?

I have a friend who was in a similar position and hated it so she moved off base with their child to be near her parents and he travels to see them when he can. It means he's still in his job but she's got more support and a network and a fuller life of her own whilst he's away? Would that be possible in your circumstances?

Alternatively do you need to have a discussion about how well this lifestyle is working for each of you and what you both want your family life to look like in the future and could he utilise army training courses in other fields to retrain gradually and eventually leave the army with that career to go to?

On the 3 days your son is in nursery could you prioritise one of those days for yourself or even half a day and take yourself for a coffee/ lunch/massage/the gym or whatever self care looks like to you?

You say you're failing at being a good wife but op- look at all you do! That is you being a good wife. You're picking up all the slack to enable him to progress in work and are making sure he has a lovely, looked after loving family to come home to at the end of the day. Having your own needs and feeling like you're drowning is not failing as a wife it's learning that you need to put your own oxygen mask on first so you can keep the plates spinning. If you're a true partnership then he should want to find ways to support you even if that needs to be outsourced.

@Lavender14 thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. The promotion came as a surprise- it’s all very formal in the army so they release a list on a certain day and his name was on it. I’m really struggling to be happy for him- it’s always the same with the army that when something good happens for the person serving, it’s usually absolutely sh*t for the person left at home.

we’ve discussed alternatives but he always wants to do another year etc, and nothing changes. I’ve considered moving near my parents (and actually his 12 months course is going to be quite near to them) but we’d be moving house for just one year which seems an enormous upheaval seeing as I’ve done school
applications for the area we are in now. And
my parents are in their 80s so help is very limited anyway.

Another thing is that we are due to have a FET transfer this month, but I’m really questioning the timing as he expects me to just go ahead with it despite meaning that he would be away for the first year of the baby’s life. He thinks that isn’t a big deal. He went back to work 1 day after I had my son so I already know that it is a big deal!

Do you have to move around with him? If he's not there anyway surely it makes sense to establish yourself somewhere, get a job and build a support network.

I'd also have a discussion about how long this is going to go on for. Does he expect you to be alone for the next 20 years?

@username299 no I don’t have to move with him, but we are in army quarters so to qualify for that we would need to move with him. So we could buy our own house for some stability and he could go away whenever he needed to and my son and I would stay put, but it’s hard to know if that is the best decision.

we talk endlessly about his army career- to the point I feel like the army has taken over my entire life! He always says he intends to stay for a few more years but I suspect now he’s had this promotion he will want to stay for longer. It’s so hard to talk to army people about their careers as it’s a “vocation”.

I think it's time for some tough decisions. Your needs are important too. I would buy a house, get a job and make friends. At least then you won't be lonely and can start to build your life.

I would decide how long you're willing to put up with this for. You must be lonely and it's tough to do everything yourself.

He's focused on his career to the detriment of everything else. I would start concentrating on what you want.

Couldn't read and run. I'm sorry that your going through this, I recognise a lot of what your saying and I would strongly advise (if you're able to financially) get your own house, job, friends and life/hobbies. I'm not suggesting you leave him, but ultimately he is focused on his career and has the mindset that you will handle everything else, and you will, but over the years your resentment will grow, and that will be the end of your relationship.
Things that seem like a big deal now, applications for school etc really aren't but when your child is 10yrs old and has settled and you're still stuck that's when it's a big deal.

Build a life and have your husband join you in it.

@username299 i think you might need be right!