Can't stand how I feel anymore

[Itsnotme33]

I wake up every morning feeling awful and wishing I hadn't woken up. The only reason I get up is because of needing the loo otherwise I would just sleep. Then the anxiety kicks in and my stomach starts churning and I have diarrhea. I've been on so many AD's currently been taking Sertraline for 3 months and it's like I haven't taken anything, they have no effect whatsoever. I'm also on Mirtazapine and Depakote, been on those for years. I find it really hard to express and get across how I feel, I know I can just come across as fine and coping due to years of masking. So it probably doesn't seem like I'm that bad to the doctor or psychiatrist, I'm not crying, I can't cry anymore I'm blank when it comes to trying to express how I feel. I'm not sure why I'm writing this as I can't seem to take any good advice. I feel too pathetic to do anything or my anxiety stops me. I suppose I just wanted to get it out somewhere that I'm lying in bed at 11.30 can't get up don't want to get up, just want all the horrible feelings to stop

I understand. Anxiety is awful. Maybe ask when this started and how old you are?

I have found understanding some of the mechanisms of anxiety helps me.
For example cortisol is highest when we wake up so it feels awful. Getting out of bed and straight into the shower no matter how much I don't want to do it really helps

I meant
May I ask when it started and how old you are

I've had it since I was a teenager and I'm now an 'older' woman, it's not been there continually, I've had periods when I've been relatively ok but this latest episode has been a couple of years and nothing seems to help. I know theoretically about things I could do to help like walking etc but I can't get myself out of the house to do anything. It's like I'm struggling with myself all day every day. When you say you've found it helpful to find out more about how anxiety works do you have any book recommendations or links at all that you could let me know about when you have a minute? Hope you don't mind me asking and if you do have anything please take your time in getting back to me. Thanks for replying to me x

I don't have any books but Google is your friend here.
Lots and lots of websites with good information. Try googling something like 'what is anxiety'
'Cortisol anxiety'
'Adrenalin anxiety'

And see what comes up
This is a very useful site. So much information
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/checkout/order-received/390284/?key=wcorderr_0vEXISkAM4jbk

It's useful to understand that our bodies anxiety response has evolved to support our survival. It is connected with the fight or flight response to danger and helps us perform at our peak.

Unfortunately due to some of us having a make up that is prone to anxiety it is too aggressive and over reactive. We also don't have the threats we used to have so we are triggered by what are normal stressors in the same way we used to be to things like running away from things and fighting things.

Our nervous system gets overwhelmed.

I asked your age because perimenopause/menopause is a MASSIVE contributor to anxiety.
Google menopause anxiety.

Are you on HRT. After thousands spent on therapy and using antidepressants I went on HRT and the anxiety dropped from 100% to about 20% in less than a week

Please try this if you are not already on HRT.

HORMONEs are huge in anxiety. That's why late teens is a common time for it to spike also

I still get bad episodes when I am stressed about particular things but when there is nothing specific worrying me I am so much better. It will always be there but unless I'm having a bad spell, it's more like an annoying neighbour in the background rather than a psychopath screaming in my face if you know what I mean