I'm pretty sure I'm dumb

[FML2006]

I'm 18F and I'm pretty sure I have a low IQ. And it makes me very sad. My SAT score is 1100, with 520 in math and 580 in R&W. I took the test the summer after 11th grade. I was either 16 about to be 17 or 17 already. With practice tests I took, I got a range of 450-560 for the math section. My first two practice tests without prep got me at 470 in math and 630 in R&W both times. Then I just took practice tests for math after that. The last two tests I took before the real thing landed me at 510 and 560 in math, which was after 4 separate hour long study sessions I had for the math section, and both these tests I had taken before so I believe having taken them and reviewing problems are what got that score up. Somehow I got 520 on the real SAT, probably only because I really spent 4 days before going over stuff I didn't know. But even with 4-5 hours of studying for 4 days before the test I still only got 520. A couple days ago I took two practice tests for the SAT again in a single day just to see where I landed. One test landed me at 480, and this was after being in 12th grade for like 5 months so I had been learning Algebra II. Took a separate test and tried to focus more and feel better about myself and somehow got 550. But, I still believe this is subpar and honestly think it was a fluke.

I have an 87 in Algebra II, although taking the average of only my tests and quizzes, it'd be an 85. For my Anatomy & Physiology class it'd be like 75 averaging tests and quizzes, but I have an 89 because of other factors. I suck at spelling, have a hard time articulating myself, also struggle with reading comprehension a lot. Even though I love to read. Trying to think about complex things and math is also very hard and tiring for me. I get depressed thinking about it.

At first I was thinking maybe it's just depression, or stress. Maybe anxiety. Poor sleep. Horrible screen time. But I don't think so. I have anxiety but I don't think I'm depressed. And I don't see how my anxiety could affect every single thing I do and overall cognitive ability so much. My screen time might be impacting things (I probably spend 8-10 hours rotting away on technology everyday) but actually making me stupid and unable to do basic things? I don't think so.

When I was 16 I also had a job for the summer at a park. And I think I struggled a lot. Forgot a bunch of things I was supposed to do routinely quite often. Around three times I believe I made mistakes when counting out the cash register and also filling out the form in the 2-3 months I had been there. Refunding someone was also confusing to me and felt complicated. Took me maybe two or three weeks to also get the hang of all the physical aspects of the job, like setting up motor boats, adjusting lifejackets, adjusting kayak seat straps, etc. Had to ask my supervisor questions all the time to make sure I understood everything and did it correctly. I just struggled with basic tasks. It was my first job and I had never experienced most of the things that were apart of it, but I shouldn't have had to second guess myself everyday and keep asking my coworkers how things worked. I had days where I ran the shop and boat rentals by myself and did fine surprisingly. Only because no refunds had to be issued and no complex problems came up. I was able to work the register, handle the customers, get them situated, and close successfully. But I think it took way too long for me to get there and I would have struggled if an actual problem were to arise (I also just thought arised was a word and tried to use it, further proof of my lack of intelligence)

I feel slow. I feel dumb. My memory sucks. I struggle to pay attention and focus. I struggle in problem solving and critical thinking. I always doubt myself and every decision I make because of it. I wouldn't be surprised if I have an IQ of 80.

It hurts because in grade school I was labeled gifted and considered very smart. But when I was 12 that all went down hill very fast. My mother thinks I'm smart, she thinks I can accomplish anything I want to in life. And I hate that it's not true. It's just delusional thinking on her part. It hurts knowing my mind is below average and I'll never amount to anything.

I also wrote this whole thing without any revising (except for adding a word where I forgot/missed to type one), this is just my bare brain and how I write, so that should make it obvious that I am not very smart either. The whole thing reads as very "basic" and not very intelligent lmao.

I don't think anyone will read this, especially because it's so long and essentially my essay of a pity party, but I just felt like venting.

Well, whatever is going on (read: probably nothing) you have self-reflection going for you! Please don’t get caught up in thinking you’re rubbish in life before you’ve even lived your life. SAT scores won’t matter in a few years. You’ll be absolutely fine. And believe your Mom!

From the way you write you come across as being intelligent. I’m not familiar with the breakdown of the scores you quoted but an average SAT score is around 1000 so it seems very unlikely you have a low IQ.
To be trusted to be sole charge at 16 in your first job you must actually have proved yourself to be very competent. It’s not a bad thing to want to be shown things more than once. Have you ever had any screening or assessment for specific learning difficulties or neurodivergence (for example dyslexia or inattentive ADHD?) There are a lot of bright young people that can mask their difficulties leading to them feeling they are struggling with tasks others appear to accomplish with ease. Having more understanding of why you find certain tasks difficult might allow you to give yourself more grace.
My son has inattentive ADHD, diagnosed at 14 and helped with medication. Some of what you said rang a bell - he did well in primary school and has struggled with increased demands in secondary school. His focus and memory are poor and he struggles to sequence and remember tasks. His self esteem has taken a battering from the constant drip of negative feedback from teachers. He uses tech/screens too much to get the dopamine boost he needs. It might be worth doing some of the online screens to see if that is worth pursuing.
Your mom is right - you are an intelligent young woman with the world at your feet. Please listen to those affirmations.

WHO ADHD screening test might be a starting point.

I don't think stupid people know they are stupid?

I might be the exception then.

I've never been tested for neurodivergence or diagnosed except OCD and Sensory Processing Disorder/Issues. I don't think I have ADHD, I feel like it would be very evident I did? Thank you for the kind words you've shared though.

You come across to me as very demanding of yourself. I did wonder about autism but more than that, wonder if you are demanding such perfection of yourself that you are winding yourself up with anxiety. Are you in the States? (reference to 'grade school' suggests to me that you are not in the UK). Is this all tied up with anxiety about important exams in this school year?

Oh @FML2006, I am very sorry, but I can not take your OP seriously, as I don't think that you genuinely believe what you are saying in it! Your writing is far too eloquent, especially for your apparent age, and you are obviously very self aware - therefore, I think you are fishing for complements - which, if true, is the one area of your character that needs some attention given to it! Also, I think very similarly to your dear mum, in that you have a great chance of achieving what ever you want to achieve, as long as it is not continuing to play mind games, while hoping to convince people you are dumb, as that would be quite a difficult (and dumb) thing to do... 😝🩷xxx

@weirdoboelady I do have bad anxiety, especially when it comes to my performance in school. But even with my desire to be smart and do good, I don't put in much effort. I'm lazy and procrastinate a lot. But I still think even with the amount of effort I put in, I should still do better and be smarter than what I am. Especially when it comes to other areas in life that don't require studying/assignments. I would say I guess I'm demanding, but not to an extent where I actually do anything and put in effort? I don't know.

What makes you think I have autism?

@PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting I wish I was playing mind games and actually believed in myself. Unfortunately, I believe everything I wrote. I'm glad you think I'm smart at least, but if you met me you would probably think otherwise. Thank you for your kindness though :)

Why are people jumping straight to neurodiversity?! The OP says they spend 8 - 10 hours every day on a screen... there is your answer!!!!!! Cut down your screen time.

@tellmesomethingtrue I was thinking my screen time usage might be affecting things to an extent, I'm not sure by how much. Or if cutting down would reverse anything if that is causing issues :(

Could be childhood trauma - CPTSD. Trying to function in everyday life when you are stuck in survival mode is almost impossible

To answer your question, the quality of your introspection and self-analysis reminds me very much of an autistic friend of mine and how she thinks.

If I am brutally honest, I find autistic people tend to be so introspective and self-absorbed* that they come across as rather selfish. I am married to one as well as having quite a few autistic friends. I wonder if it would make you happier if you allocated some time to working on the 5 ways to happiness - for example I suspect that going out of your way to help others might free up some of the anxiety which is holding you back at present.

*Sorry, self-absorbed and selfish sounds brutal, but isn't meant in a nasty way. The very bright autistic people I know spend a LOT of time in self-reflection, which is what I mean and which I think isn't always helpful for them. It sort of crushes some of the joy of living a more spontaneous life.

Oh Sweetheart - I hope you don't mind me calling you Sweetheart, but it is how I often refer to my own DChildren and DGrandchildren - at the moment I actually feel like I do when I am talking to one of my own DChildren when they are feeling sad. I am thinking about you being a very late, but also a very welcome, last DChild before my menopause kicked in! Anyway D@FML2006, if you can't quite yet believe that you are as bright and clever as is obvious to anyone else who reads your OP, then maybe you can at least consider whether what I am about to say to you may have some merit to it?

It wouldn't actually matter my Dear Borrowed Daughter, if you were/are dumb, although to be kinder to you, and any others who may not have as easily accessible brain cells available to them, as your previous posts on this thread, show that you do have, I will change the term that I am using, from 'being dumb' to having some 'learning difficulties'. However, I know that some will object to that terminology also, so I give my apologies to them. Anyway, I am sure that you already know, FML, that by far the most important attribute that anyone can have, is empathy, which then naturally leads on to a lot of both kindness and patience. As you have already proved yourself to be a deep thinker Sweetheart, and because you question yourself - even if you are not yet coming to an accurate evaluation of yourself (!) - I am very sure that you already have empathy, and therefore, kindness and patience, by the truck load ❤️

One of my clients when I was a trainee, was a beautiful and sweet man, who had quite a complex condition, which although frowned upon, was given as reasonably equating to him having the abilities of about a 3 to 5 year old child. This very special person saw me as I arrived at his shared residential care home one very cold (snowy and icy conditions outside) morning, and he took my gloves off my hands, and then warmed my freeziing cold hands between his two lovely warm hands - I have tears in my eyes just remembering him that morning. He showed me both empathy and kindness that morning - about 30 years ago now - and was much nicer than the home "carers" that day, who once I left the lounge to go into the kitchen to get my "orders" for the day, told me off for letting him warm my hands, as "goodness knows" where his hands had been before that!" But to this day, even if he had just finished scratching a pooey bottom, I would have rather had him warming my hands, because of his kind heart, than spend a whole day in those "carers" company. Unfortunately, I didn't have a choice, except I did manage to spend most of my time with the residents, rather than with the other staff members. It was a very sad day for me when my placement there ended, even though I am sure that the other staff were pleased to see the back of me!

Sorry FML if I have sounded too serious here, I just get a bit too emotional when I think back to those days 🙄🙏 * *You come across as a lovely and thoughtful person, and I definitely believe that you are, and will be, a great asset to this World 😊 xxx