Huge fear of dying

[TheBluntCrab]

I've struggled for many years with health anxiety and was recently diagnosed with OCD as well. I've always had this huge fear of dying. Alot of my ovd themes are practicing complulsions or else I will die or avoiding things in case I die. I think about it constantly and it terrifies me. I just can't comprehend the idea that one day we will cease to exist. I'm in a constant state of anxiety. My stomach turns, my chest hurts and I just feel completely cold inside and filled with terror. My logical side tells me to stop worrying about something that is inevitable but I just can't. I've had many therapies and medications over the years and while some have worked for temporarily this had always come back and I find the triggers tend to be hearing deaths or reading the news etc. I have a 2yo and it's really affecting my quality of life. I'm scared to sleep at night in case I dont wake up. In scared to be alone in case I have a heart attack or something and I die and no one can help me. And who will look after my son. The thought of leaving him just fills me with horror. I'm quite isolated and have zero friends and I have no one to talk to about this that won't think I'm completely nuts. How can I navigate to his b cause my coping strategies have ran dry. I've convinced myself that I've not got long left and I'm on borrowed time.

You need to go back to the health professional who prescribed medication in the past and see what they can offer you. In the meantime try and avoid triggers (sometimes I avoid the news completely) and focus on anything that can distract you. Eg time outside, gentle exercise or mindfulness.

How many years has this been an issue for you? Can you remember a time when it wasn't something you thought about? If so, what changed?

This wasn't a fear you were born with so finding why it started is the best way of stopping it.

What meds have you had and what dose? My OCD only became manageable on sertraline at the highest dose of 200mg

I have neither diagnosed OCD nor health anxiety (although they are quite present from time to time). I do have GAD and have had periods of crippling anxiety about death. I am not "cured", but it is no longer an ever present presence.
I am on citalopram (four years) and have an amazing therapist (four months). They are doing the world of good.
I also found the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying strangely comforting, but had to be in the right place to read it - don't dive in just yet.
Sending hugs as I know it is so so hard.

And to add, I was terrified that I wouldn't make it to the end of The Game of Thrones... I did, George RR Martin has not lived up to his end of the deal! I was also terrified I would never live to see my nephew, I did - he is nine and an absolute joy.

Where is the father? Can he help support his child?

This is a lot more common than you’d think. Many people who experience it avoid telling others as they fear they’ll be judged, or because they want to avoid igniting that fear in someone else.

You mentioned you’ve had lots of therapy. Have you tried existential therapy? It’s not my area but is recommended for people who fear death. It can help you to explore what gives your life meaning and how you can live a life that’s in alignment with your values and principles.

Ultimately it’s a state we’re all moving towards so working with someone who can really empathise with you, understand the feelings it triggers in you and help you to move towards acceptance might be the way to work with this. It’s not irrational to worry that it will happen, because eventually it will, but it sounds like your worries are disproportionate to where you are in life right now (unless there’s an underlying health condition, etc). I wonder if you could take control of some of your concerns, in particular who will care for your son if something does happen to you. Perhaps planning for the worst and hoping for the best will bring some peace in that area at least.

I'm only 32 and I have no underlying health issues, maybe I am quite overweight and I think this triggers a fear of death in me as I'm aware I'm more at risk of things and I am working on getting healthier. I know I am wasting my life worrying and letting this take over. I don't remember a time when this started. It's always been the his way since my early teens and I was an anxious child as well. I've had CBT and exposure therapy many times and just started a new therapist so hoping this is going to help. My partner isn't very supportive of my MH struggles and thinks it's just sillyness so now I don't even mention it to him anymore because it's not worth it. I've had all the anti depressants and unfortunately they just don't have the desired long term effect. My therapist said my brain is just stuck in this way of thinking and anxiety b cause it's literally all I've ever known and it's a hard cycle to break.

It's very scary but I'm not sure we will stop existing. It makes sense though that it would be reality shattering, it doesn't stop it being scary

I have anxiety and health anxiety my main fear is dying as well so I know what your going through. I have been on citalopram 30mg for years now which massively helps but when I had a particularly bad patch I tried hypnotherapy. I have aphantasia (can't visualise) so was very sceptical about it working but it really did work and I'm 2 years on from it now and it has worked wonders

Was there anyone in your family who was a ‘worrier’?