Struggling Mum

[LittleadventureB]

I have a nearly 3 year old and I'm struggling. I would say I am struggling more now than I did when he was born and I had severe post natal depression. Since he was born I have been diagnosed with ADHD and PMDD. I'm currently under gynecology for the PMDD but not really getting anywhere, I tried some injections but it made my mood worse.

I'm currently on the waiting list for ADHD medication and have been since September last year. I'm not receiving any other support, I found counselling never really helped throughout my life. I tried it for a bit when he was born but no luck, I have contacted home start and they couldn't help so now I contacted a similar charity in my area and seeing someone in a couple of weeks.

I just feel like such a failure, I'm counting down the days for him to be older, that sounds so awful doesn't it. I wake up dreading each day, I barely take him out anywhere, we go to stay and play on a Monday and he has nursery twice a week, other than that I get too anxious to go out. I find the tantrums so difficult, he has a speech delay which doesn't help with the tantrums. He isn't showing any signs of wanting to be potty trained and that makes me feel like I'm failing. I probably let him have more screen time then he should have because I sometimes struggle to cope. I just fear that I'm never going to know what it feels like to be happy again. Everyone keeps telling me I have a beautiful son and I should be grateful and happy and enjoying it and that fills me with even more guilt. I'm just surviving right now.

I have a very hands-on partner. He is great, he will take over on weekends and evenings and do most of the looking after and playing, I go and do things and have time to myself and even that fills me with guilt because my partner doesn't really get any down time between looking after our son and work. I just dread every moment I have to be a Mum and I think he knows that and so never plans to do anything for himself and that makes me feel so awful

My parents don't understand. When he was born they helped me out a lot but for some reason over the last year they have taken a step back, said it's too far for them to keep coming or they're busy. So they come over when I'm absolutely desperate so me and my partner can go out for the day and have some alone time, but that's rare now. It's like I have to beg them to want to come and see their Grandson but they expect me to take him there a lot even though they know I get anxious driving with him. My partner's parents would help out more but they live 4 hours away :(

My mother has also said some awful things to me over the last couple of years as well. She is good at playing the victim. Whenever I'm struggling she will just say well how do you think I coped. She has said directly to my son to come and live with grandma because mummy doesn't want you. I was really struggling last year and I told her I didn't want to be here anymore to which she replied if you feel that way why don't you just go and do it rather than keep saying it, I will never forget that. She has made me feel guilty for going away for solo weekend breaks to just have some time to myself. I shouldn't be going out or away because I'm a mum now. I just feel so guilty for everything.

Sorry for such a long rant. Has/is anyone else still suffering to cope or manage with their mental health since becoming a mum? I see everyone else enjoying this journey and it makes me feel so awful when I say I'm really not, does that make me a bad mother and person?

Christ alive, your mother is a beaut, isn't she? Can you go LC or NC with her and move to be closer to your partner's parents?

I’m so sorry to read your post and how you’ve not been supported by your mum, and the injections didn’t work. But really good that you have a good partner, I don’t know how I would survive without my DH.

It’s brutal suddenly having to deal with PMDD, especially when you’ve got a young child, it feels like such an utter rip off and it’s heartbreaking. I’m not who I was or want to be now, and it’s the worst that my children are impacted. They, and my husband, are also the reason I keep fighting and hold on.

I think number one is to convey to family and friends how serious and life impacting this condition is. That you will need support during your bad weeks, and understanding. Rejection Sensitivity Disorder is often part of PMDD so it can feel unbearably painful to receive criticism and cause spiralling of thoughts (which after period can be view through rational eyes).

There are a lot of things to try medication and supplement wise, it’s a lot of trial and error.

If you haven’t found IAMPD, google them! There are a lot of resources etc there, also for partners and family. Also Reddit PMDD community is good.

There are a lot of PMDD sufferers who swear by bio identical progesterone supplementation treatment as many are in an eostrogen dominant state, but I’m sceptical of this as I feel progesterone is really dangerous for some PMDD people, as this is what affect some of us catastrophically.

This is a really complex condition that is endocrinological, psychological and neurological, and it often goes alongside adhd and/or autism. So, I addressing each of these variables as you’re able. Also learn as much as you can about it.

It can be genetic so it’s possible your mum had it too? Maybe there’s some element of resentment that she didn’t get the support as there wasn’t a diagnosis available then, or she thinks it’s just what life is supposed to be like?

If you’re able to give yourself an easier time during hell weeks, like easy dinners, low social pressures, and practice not giving yourself a hard time about needing to give yourself some considerable slack. And in your good weeks, make the most of them with your little boy.

sending you solidarity, it’s a really difficult thing to deal with 💐

To add, you’re not a bad mum, you’re an absolute warrior to go through this battle every month and win. To have heard that from your mum, I can’t imagine, you must be an incredibly strong person to have survived that. That’s her damage, not yours, she hasn’t understood what you’re dealing with.

when you’re in a good place, write a letter to yourself that evidences why you are an essential person, that you’re the only mummy in the world for your son, and that he will always need you.
you are not a bad person, you’re dealing with condition that changes your brain chemistry, your body, I bet you would never think that of someone else describing what you discribed yourself, that’s the nature of the horrible beast, it knows all your weaknesses and insecurities and it uses all of them to take you down. I heard it described like, I know this dragon is going to come for me, just like it always does, but I can build a fucking fortress with guns and weapons, and be ready for the fight.