So fed up of myself

[Originalmemberr]

I've had depression on and off, mostly on, for many years. Also anxiety. Tried various medications, nothing really helps, or if it does I also feel kind of numb with it. I'm currently taking sertraline, could probably increase my dose one more time if I asked the doctor, but I really don't want to.

I'm just fed up of feeling this way. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to wake up, but won't end my life, if that makes sense. I'm too much of a coward.

Everything makes me stressed and yet I don't really do anything. I don't work due to illness. Kids are all adults and moved out. I live alone.

But my pets are making me stressed. Untidiness makes me stressed. I don't have motivation to do anything much, like cleaning, cooking, going out. I spend most of my time when alone watching tv or playing stupid games on my phone. I really dislike myself. I make stupid impulsive decisions and then can't cope with the consequences. I buy things online to make myself happy, but of course it doesn't last. For that reason I'm struggling financially, not terribly, but got a bit of debt.

Due to chronic pain I can't really exercise much. I try to walk a bit every day, but just get frustrated at how tired I am and how painful it is, it just reminds me that it's never going to change.

I tried yoga a few times but struggled and then got put off the place where it was held due to seeing an enormous 8 legged beast during a class - I'm massively phobic! I don't have enough room at home to do yoga there - or enough motivation.

I know the solutions, know what I have to do, but what's the point? I'll just be even unhappier. I can't talk to anyone about this. I just feel awkward and stupid if I try to and can't explain how I feel anyway.

Currently having cbt, but as it's only 6 sessions and I've already had two, can't see it helping really.

Sorry, I don't know why I'm writing this, just needed to write it down I think.

I'm sorry you feel this way. You can either carry on as you are or implement changes.

CBT isn't always useful, especially if your background is complex but it should make a difference if you do the work.

It doesn't sound like your medication is helping much so I would go back to your GP and ask for it to be adjusted. I'd also ask for blood tests to see if anything is contributing to your depression such as vitamin deficiencies.

If you're not taking supplements, I recommend vitamin D, B complex, omega 3 and magnesium glycinate.

You can try Tai Chi, you only need room to stand.

Walks are great, getting out in the fresh air and in nature is really good for your mental health.

You can try journalling. Just get an A4 pad and scribble down your thoughts.

You might find mindfulness helpful. There are some good meditation apps.

Regarding your debt, you can contact the National Debtline and see if anything can be done.

Good suggestions above. I'd add gardening & swimming to things to try op.

I don't know if this is something you'd try op, but my dietitian advised me to take saffron for anxiety. I take it every morning along with vitamins and find it really calming.
Just an idea.

Thanks for replying. The problem is I don't have the motivation to implement the changes. I have the best intentions but just get bored very quickly. Tbh I think I'm ND somehow, but the chances of getting a diagnosis are slim. Even if I did I wouldn't want to take medication.

I don't want to change my current medication or increase the dose. I've tried many antidepressants over the past 25 years. The ones I'm on have worked best but I'm tired of feeling numb.

Adding to the problems, I really struggle with making phone calls, so contacting my gp is difficult, then add to that how hard it is to get an appointment for anything, calling first thing in the morning, waiting to get through, to find there are no appointments available. And at the end of the day they'll only suggest more/different antidepressants.

I take vitamin D and B12 as sprays. I rub magnesium into my knees every night to help with pain and also to help me sleep.

I do try to journal, although sometimes forget. It definitely helps.

I'll look into tai chi.

The debt isn't sufficient to involve an organisation. I just need to find a way to stop self medicating by spending money.

What advice were you looking for?

I'm not sure. Like I said, I'm just fed up of myself. Ideally someone with a magic wand will come along, wave their wand and magically I'll be the person I used to be. That would be great.

It's just that I've tried most of those things mentioned, it all makes no difference.