Still feeling low after redundancy on maternity leave last year

[GemstoneCF]

Hey all,

looking for some hope/similar experiences perhaps. I was made redundant a year ago (pretty much to the day) just before my baby turned 3 months old. I’d had a stressful pregnancy (scans every week by the time I was 24 weeks) and my husband was also made redundant when she was 5 weeks old. I had a 30 hour labour with non-stop contractions (as in, no breaks inbetween them) after being induced for reduced movements. The pregnancy and birth alone I found very exhausting and stressful (I know people have been through much worse, just speaking to my own experience), and then the two redundancies on top were just devastating. When my daughter was 2 months old, I also had a breast cancer scare with various tests and hospital trips which just about tipped me over the edge.

For context, I was in a senior management role in a big company and it was quite well known that I had had to completely work myself into the ground for the 4 years I was there. I won’t give specific examples but horror story levels of abusive behaviour and insane hours worked etc. I got a reasonable payout/settlement, but I think I’m regretful for not pushing for more as I was so tired and anxious I didn’t feel I could. To top it off, none of my colleagues (bar a couple) reached out to me (I guess out of fear because of multiple redundancies being made) which really compacted my feeling of low self esteem and sadness.

Fast forward a year, I’m in a new job which is better paid and much easier, but tbh I’m completely bored and I’m fed up, as it seems this company is equally unstable and constant redundancies being made etc. so I’ve been beating myself up for choosing this job over others.

I am still struggling to get over having been made redundant, I’m so resentful and envious of my friends who got to have a “normal” maternity leave, while mine was cut short and spent very anxious and upset that I wasn’t going to get a new job and that my time with my daughter was being taken away from me.

I’m the primary earner for my family, so giving up work or taking a step back isn’t an option for us, which is adding an extra layer of upset and stress into the mix. My husband doesn’t understand as he doesn’t care that he was made redundant and has been freelancing since. I feel so alone and like no one understands. I also desperately want another child but being in this unstable job means I’m going to have to start hustling again to either find something new or drastically cut my spending / bills somehow. I just feel completely lost and exhausted that I’m having to factor all of these things in, when if i’d been in my old job I could try for baby number 2 and stop worrying.

I go to therapy and have been on antidepressants in the past but that’s not the right choice for me at the moment, in case that’s anyone’s suggestion!

Any help or advice or similar experiences would really help. Know there’s a lot to unpack here…

I'm through a similar situation, re redundancy, although I've recently had my second. After a rough few years we decided it was now or never to try earlier this year, I have fertility issues so this was a frozen embryo transfer from my previous if with my first. I've been with my organisation nearly 10 years. There are nearly yearly restructurings and the stress and work load of the role and work is toxic.

I was signed off with serious mental health issues after my first due to this culture and other factors. Returned to work much better and thought I was thriving, supported by my managers, liked all team, thought the feeling was mutual.

My team went through another restructuring when I was pregnant this time round. I thought I was protected but now 3 months into my mat leave I was asked attend an end of year performance review last week and given a really negative performance appraisal. Never had one before. Literally no positives, and it felt personal.

I'm currently trying to respond in my defence and find a way forward. It's been made clear I'm now potentially at risk due to my rating and rebuilding trust with colleagues will be challenging. I thought I was safe. Now I'm very aware I could spiral mentally. But I'm looking ahead.

On what is helping me through this time is a resilient mindset, reflection, action and self care. Attending therapy consistently the past 1.5 years has played a huge part in this, as well as group support meetings and journalling. I've had to go the medication route as I have been diagnosed with 2 disorders I can't argue with.

There will never be a 'right time' to have a child in this current economic landscape, very few jobs are safe these days. Also nearly everyone needs a side hustle, aggressively network and shamelessly pimp themselves on LinkedIn, insta etc just stay solvent. It's exhausting! You are not alone. I'm up at 3am, feeding my baby and googling jobs and skills sites. I'm scared about the mortgage, and that my review feedback is true so I'll never get another job at the same pay grade. I'm sleep deprived and have baby brain. Not ideal for job hunting or writing up pitches for roles.
i don't regret getting pregnant. I knew this could happen and tbh, it's now keeping me going and looking ahead. If I had put the job first over trying for a baby I think I would have been made redundant regardless. Do what you want, the business will do what it right for it. If I were in your shoes I would just go for it.