Struggling to support DH with severe health anxiety

[Reallynosuchthing]

I need some support or some ideas on what to do as my husband is having a really bad flare up of his health anxiety and it is draining me and making me so depressed. But at the same time, I can't just give up and take to my bed for a month as he has, as we still have children to get to school and take care of and I have a job. Even more worrying is that we are both self employed, so he isn't being paid at the moment, so I really need to do as many hours as I can to ensure we can cover our costs.

Anyway. I am doing everything I can think of to help him but I don't feel like he's improving. He's taking his citalopram but it doesn't seem to be helping, he's on a list to have CBT (again) but he can't seem to remember the tools from CBT a few years ago. I've taken his phone away to stop him googling symptoms of cancers, I try to force him out for a walk daily but I don't always succeed.

I'm just so exhausted from having the same conversation with him over and over and over. He's had a barage of tests by the GP but he doesn't believe that they've come back clear.

I'm just so tired I don't know what to do for him. I told him today he needed to ring the GP and talk about his anxiety again and ask if he can change or increase his doseage but he's too tired to ring them...

WWYD?

If he’s not doing his absolute best to get better for the kids and you, it might be best if he moved out. I had this with DH many years ago, and my kids grew up seeing things they shouldn’t have due to it.
Put you and the kids first.

He needs to want to help himself - does he?

Understanding what anxiety is, how it works and why we need it are all really helpful in dealing with it. Tim Box's Ted X "how to stop feeling anxious about anxiety" is a good start.

It’s so hard to be in this situation because on the one hand you want to do as much as you can to support but on the other hand you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Are you looking after yourself?

How old are the children?
Does he have parents he can go stay with?

Why does the health anxiety stop him from at least taking the children to school?

I’ve never found CBT helpful in the slightest, but ACT has been great in keeping my health anxiety in check. There’s lots of resources online

It’s interesting you say that as he offered to go and stay at his parents but I said no. I feel like if I was this ill I would need him to take care of me (I don’t have the option of moving to parents as mine are much older and in a home).

his mother is similar to him with panic and anxiety about everything so I don’t think she would help, she would give him more to worry about.

but I do need a break, maybe something to think about,

Thanks I will watch that tonight and try and encourage him to. Some days are better than others and he wants to get sorted but most days at the moment he just spirals.

I try to look after myself but it’s hard as a caregiver isn’t it? I am trying to get lots of sleep as this exhausts me. I probably should do more.

Kids are 6 and 14. We are trying to keep it as normal as possible for them (which means DH basically stays in bed and they think he’s just tired).

he does have parents he could stay with but I can’t decide if that’s a good idea as his mother has a very similar temperament to DH and she will fill his head with more worries. They both always fear the worst and catastrophise and egg each other on.

Because he has to take diazapam to sleep at the moment and take away the intrusive thoughts so he is spaced out and not allowed to drive.

Thanks, I’ve never heard of ACT, will look into it tonight x

I would see if he can try a different medication... diazapam is not usually a first go to for long term anxiety alone... there are lots of different options that would help him remain alert and functional, just a suggestion.

I think you're probably right about staying with his parents if one is similar minded, they may feed off each other.

Hugs firstly. I think you could probably talk to his gp on his behalf. You're the main care giver for 3 people right now so you need to look after yourself big time. My sis in law is going thru a bad time at the moment but we've found the mental health teams (thru gp) and social services (we self refered and they called back the same day) have been amazing. Mind charity were also helpful. I think if you can keeping him away from anyone who's 'negative ' is also for the best. Hope things improve soon for you.

I have horrific health anxiety. However I have never taken to my bed for a month and yes, everyone is different BUT the kids will know he's not just tired. They deserve better than this even if you don't think you do. He needs to face this head on and if not well then he's choosing himself over you and the kids. I have been suicidal with HA before so believe me when I say I know how awful it can be, how real it feels, all the what if thoughts etc but I've fought it constantly because of my kids and husband.

The kids don't think he's just tired.

You can't go on like this OP, it's unfair to you and DC.

I struggle with health anxiety very badly.

Cherellethinks does good videos on YouTube that help.

I did quite a bit of therapy around it too and what helped was being forced to look beyond... so for example if I was scared of finding a lump, I'd have to write what I would do next, what may happen next, then after that, then after that, and we would go through it so many times that it wasn't as anxiety inducing as before. Sort of exposure therapy if you will

I think there are a few things you can do for health anxiety. The best for me are acceptance and commitment therapist (ACT) and beta blockers, which were life changing.

Treatment options depend on what your OH needs so these are just ideas of course

his mother has a very similar temperament to DH and she will fill his head with more worries

That's the probable root cause. It is possible to change this thought pattern, even though it's 'normal' to him. Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis.