I have always struggled with MH - low mood (only diagnosed after had my first child 20 years ago, but prior to this I probably had issues ) but with meds and exercise I have managed relatively well !
In the last 2 years though I just can not get a grip :(
I split from my ex , then lockdown happened. I have struggled in jobs due to stress and so changed jobs ! The one I currently do is monotonous and I dread it although I can work from home and I have to earn a certain amount to cover outgoings !
My biggest confidante was my mum but she has to prioritize my dad now (rightly so)
Anxiety (a variety of things) cripple me , I am agitated and indecisive . I get to sleep but wake with heart racing in the middle of the night.
I have had counselling and am having some now but it is hard to know what the issue is.
I ruminate about the past and dwell on it (failures etc) and my resilience / self esteem is in major need of improvement. I feel like I have little purpose/direction (not suicidal - would not do that to my kids)
I try to be compassionate towards myself but find it hard, I have come off social media as I would compare myself badly, I also do enjoyable things for myself.
I exercise regularly and it does help, as well as try to get out in nature.
I enjoy volunteering too.
I am at a loss really. I am on meds (just increased the dose ) but I know they are just a crutch (they do have a numbing effect)
I am becoming bitter and resentful at people and am isolating myself too - poor opinion of myself etc / poor company
I function for my kids (just) but could be better I know.
I tried HRT (mid 40s) but it did not help with the emotions and I am not struggling with any other issues .
Do I just need to accept that this is a new stage of my life? -this will be hard to stomach but unsure what else to do/try !