Help me feel like there is a future

[MyMonkeyDanced]

I feel like I am nearing the end. My DH has depression and I now have anxiety due to peri menopause/ COL/ constantly feeling unsupported and alone. Please can someone reassure me that things will get better.

I have been with my DH for 17 years, we have two beautiful children (aged 6 and 11), but for the last 14 years I feel our life has been dictated to by my DH mental health. Somehow through the years I have lost myself trying to be everything for him.

I moved 200 miles to be with him (my choice), but within 3 years, I felt I could no longer visit my friends near my home town anymore due to fear he would harm himself if alone overnight. I also don’t see my local friends as I try to be home for when he gets home as even 30 minutes alone will result in his mood getting so low that he will then struggle for days after.

I try not to bother him with any of the suburban things in life such as housework, school homework, diy, paying bills etc as j know that he feels trapped by family life. He even cancelled our wedding 14 years ago due to him feeling like it was too much. I don’t ask him to visit my family or even talk to him about my family’s health as he ‘cannot deal with sad things’. This also includes any emotions and worries from our DC. I encourage him to try and do the things he wants- anything that can make a day for him feel a bit more better.

I haven’t progressed my career as feel I cannot depend on anyone apart from me to provide stability for our children. (Both our parents are not in great health and I have no friends) The next role would likely mean longer hours, further away from home. I am the source of stability both emotionally and physically for my children and I cannot do that to them. To be fair, this is my decision but I am trying so hard to give our children a safe and stable childhood and don’t want to risk adding to my stresses.

I now experience panic attacks, and I am so, so tired. I want to just stop being the adult for a day, but I know I cannot. I do not have the luxury of going to our room for even a hour if I am feeling low, let alone take myself to bed for the day like DH because my DC worry and my DH will not step into the breach. If I look sad, or say I am low, I know this then negatively affects his mood for up to a week later, and somehow gives him license to tell me how it is me that is stopping us living a good life by not being adventurous enough. He constantly tells me how there is nothing good in his life and he wishes he could just die, but then gets mad if I try to make him see the positive aspects of his life eg me and the children.

After all these years, it has really affected my self-esteem. I feel like a crap wife as I cannot give him what he needs, a crap mother as I cannot protect my children from seeing the sadness in daddy, a crap daughter/sister/friend as I cannot visit or even speak on the phone most of the time as I am trying to put a brave face on. And a crap employee because my mind is always on high alert about what is going on at home. I spend all day worrying he will do something to himself.

and yes, I have got him numerous times to the Gp. He disengages from all services.

So, what I am wanting is any good news stories that this is not the be all and end all. That the person I fell in love with will come back one day, and that I am not emotionally harming my children.

Oh bless you, that sounds hard. It sounds like your DPs depression is all consuming. It's affecting you, your children, your work and your wider family. From an outsiders perspective I would take things a step at a time. Firstly your DP must take active steps to address his depression, I would make that non negotiable. And I would insist that he cant disengage from services that provide help. As I see it if his health improves, your emotional well being will improve, as will your children's (they only have one childhood), you may be able to focus on your career rather than being consumed by supporting your DP and lastly you will have time for better relationships with your wider family. So by just doing ONE thing and sticking to it, your life will improve immeasurably- the trouble is that one thing is dependant on your DP. If he won't engage, I would reassess my future. Do you want to feel this way in 10, 20 years time? Do your DC deserve better?

Honestly - and I speak as someone who has severe depression and a host of other MH diagnoses - if he's not willing to engage with professionals and try medication/therapy etc, I think your only option is to leave. This is no life for you, or your children.

Bloody hell, OP, I’m surprised you survived this long. You must be a really strong person but it is completely unrealistic and unreasonable for you to take on such massive burdens indefinitely.
Have you had any therapy yourself? If not, then could you arrange for that. You could find a therapist on the BACP website and have remote sessions via zoom so you don’t have to go out and leave your DH.
I think it would benefit you so much to have an independent ear to listen to you and to help you come up with strategies to change your life. It seems that everything is about your DH at the moment (and I say that as someone with long standing depression myself) and you can’t sacrifice yourself like this any longer. Best of luck.

I agree. He is very selfish, however unwell he is.

Oh love, I'm so sorry. This sounds so, incredibly hard and as above, I'm surprised you've managed this long. Your OH is obviously very unwell but even with that in mind, this is no life for any of you. You can't do enough for him because there is nothing you can do to fix this for him. This isn't something you can (or will ever be able to) fix for him, no matter how hard you try or how much you try to carry for everyone - not because you're a bad wife (I think you sound like you've given it your absolute all) but because it's not something you can do. If he's not willing to engage in getting help, I truly think you need to consider whether it is time to walk away. This sounds like it's killing you and you and your little ones deserve so much more than what life is for you right now. It's no wonder you're always anxious when the stakes feel so scary. You can't force him to get help but you do get to choose what his decision not to means for you. We're all here if you want to keep talking. Sending you a huge hug

Thanks everyone.
The biggest barrier is I don’t want to leave him. I don’t take any pleasure from being his carer though so it is not a relationship where I get anything positive from him being so dependant on me. I want him to be well, and I love him more than life. But I worry about our children. I think I am slowly coming to terms however that our marriage may not last. I just don’t want to give up on us. I also truly believe that there is a high risk he would harm himself if were to split.

counselling…. It is a tricky one. I cannot access the local NHS services due to my role and professional boundaries (cannot say anything more without it being outing), I cannot afford a private therapist, and although I could arrange external counselling for myself, this would mean telling my manager what is going on. I try to be strong, but this bloody peri menopause has taken my resilience.

This sounds so tough, it's so no wonder you are currently struggling so much.

What responsbility is he taking for himself to try and improve?

It sounds very much like everything you do is centered on walking on egg shells to protect and not upset him, but it's not on you to fix him or make things better for him.

Not being able to spend more than 30 minutes alone otherwise it affects his mood for days really jumped out at me - in what way does this manifest itself?

I agree strongly with this.

Agreed.

Oh OP I'm sorry. He's very selfish. You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I would leave to ensure that you and your children have a decent life because this is not a good life for any of you and you need to act to ensure your children are not damaged by all this.

Baileysandcream He will become introverted, find it hard to speak, lie on sofa and not be aware of what is going on e.g. will need me to gently call his name for him to tune in to the children speaking to him. He will cry, lose his appetite, take to our bed and then try and self harm. He will reach the bottom, then slowly start to bring himself back up. On average this will take about a week before he returns to a place he can engage with the family.

So he won't see a doctor. I wonder why 🧐 After your last post and reading deeper into the other posts, I think he's playing you a blinder OP.

Please think of your children. However much you love him, he is not putting the children first. As a parent, sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to do - but we do for the good of our children. He needs to engage with services to improve his MH - what are he reasons for not doing so?
Can I be blunt - he's putting himself first, while you and the children are trending on eggshells, not disturbing him, worrying about him not harming himself, being quiet and running around after him, he's just not engaging in normal life. What is there for the kids to admire, respect or look up too? What will their overriding memory of their childhood be?

This has been going on for 14 years so nothing will change unless you make it happen. If you think your DH is really at risk of suicide then ring his GP or the police or the NHS mental health crisis line and let them take care of him. He really is manipulating you even if it is not consciously.

I agree with PP, he's incredibly selfish. I spend a lot of time (and money) ensuring that my mental health conditions don't have an impact on my husband or my son so I can be as present a parents as possible. I take 3 types of medication a day, regularly see a psychiatrist and have weekly therapy. He doesn't sound like he's doing any of that and has just checked out of family life.

Good God. You are being manipulated. This sounds like an awful home life for you and your children.

My advice is to put your children first. Don’t continue this awful, frankly weird setup for the rest of their short childhoods - believe me they will not look on you kindly when they are older.

He is responsible for himself. It’s not your fault if he’s so depressed he hurts himself. Read that again.

How does he manage at work? How did he get to be the age he was when you started a relationship with him? Really think about it.

It might not be his fault that he has depression, but it’s certainly his responsibility to engage with services that can help, and to put his family first. He’s not doing either of those things is he?

Also, sorry to be blunt, but so what if your manager needs to know what’s going on at home for you to access help? I mean at this point that really should not be something to worry about.

I’m sorry you’re struggling and I hope you don’t take offence at my tone but this all just sounds absolutely unbearable. No wonder you feel like you do.

Does he work? You say you try to put a brave face on for when he gets home. Does his boss have to gently say his name to get him to tune in or is his mental health subjective?

If your husband doesn't work and lies on the sofa all day crying and threatening to harm himself, I think you should contact his Dr. You can also talk to the mental health team on NHS Direct option 2. Rethink is a mental health charity with a good helpline if you have any questions.

His needs are all consuming and he's unlikely to change. If he won't engage with therapy, take medication, adopt coping strategies or engage with services then nothing is going to change.

Being a carer is exhausting and you've been in this role for over a decade. I can't imagine your household is particularly fun and it must take its toll on the whole family.

You need to decide how you want to move forward because this is your life unless something changes.

He has a lot of luxuries doesn't he? No responsibilities, opted out of parenting, you tiptoeing around him, pandering to his every need and yet he still has the energy to drag you even further down if you dare to whisper your own needs.

If you can't get out for yourself, do it for your children and their future partners otherwise this generational abuse will perpetuate.

I don't have much to add but this seems like a very abusive situation to me. He's currently being rewarded for his depression so he doesn't have a reason to get better. He should at least be acknowledging that he is being a terrible husband and father. To be honest, reading how pathetic he is, is really giving me a kick up the arse to pick myself up and stop my self indulgent moping.

OP I’m very sorry and I don’t want to kick you when you’re down but I was the child in this situation and it very much did harm me. My dad was like this and also refused to get help and I really do not thank my mum for staying with him, I consider both my parents equally culpable for fucking me up and needing years of therapy to get to a place where I could have normal healthy relationships and function in the world. I now keep them both at arm’s length. I wish my mum had left.

He is controlling and manipulating every single piece of your life OP, and whether he's purposely doing that or doing it because he's ill - or a combination of the two - it is absolutely no way for you and the children to live.

You cannot make him be well and you are not responsible for anything he chooses to do. IMO you really need to get your children out of this - I cannot imagine the impact this hugely dysfunctional way of living must be having on them.

You have enabled this man for years and years, it's time to step away and let him choose to sink or swim. You cannot make yourself responsible for his behaviour, he is responsible for his behaviour. Maybe you leaving will be just what he needs to see sense and seek the help he needs - maybe it's just what he needs. But at the end of the day all you can do is what is best for you and the children - and this life is not best for them.

How are you feeling now OP?