I want to disappear

[AlertCat]

Has anyone got any ideas how I can feel better? I hate myself and I wish I was brave enough to disappear and let my dc and OH be free of the burden. I hate feeling like this. I also know I won’t take any concrete steps. But I feel really horrible. I have emailed my therapist and told OH. I’m not in danger. I just want to feel better.

And me. I'm trying to arrange counselling, the GP said its self referral now through 111. Have you tried that?. It took me 3 weeks to pluck up courage to phone and they were good but I now need to contact the people myself and I'm stuck. I've recently had cancer and people kept telling me how strong I was when in truth I just didn't care. Its good you have a supportive OH.
I try to get outside everyday because everything feels better outside. I take a plastic bag and sit in a field in peace. Also showering. That feels so good, despite using up all my energy, my mood is higher after I get out. Its awful feeling so flat and numb, and like a burden. You family would be worse without you. Its only the thought of my children and mother and the lifetime of questions and guilt that they would suffer that keep me here. Have you tried any antidepressants?

Thank you for replying, I’m sorry things feel so bleak for you. I do get out often and I have things I try but they aren’t helping just now.
I have a therapist, my next appointment is end of next week. And I have been well recently so not on any meds. I think I have CPTSD rather than depression and I really want to change the way I feel right now. I had an event over the weekend which has sent me spiralling.

Why do you hate yourself?

When you say you won’t take concrete steps, do you mean you can think of things to help yourself, but if they mean reaching out, picking up the telephone - do you find you just can’t do them?

I find myself stuck in this stage - so I am trying to break it down into baby steps - and just get one small thing done.

For the immediate, I would suggest journaling - like a brain dump of all your feelings - then follow up with a potential action plan. This will mostly be a list of stuff that you are unlikely to follow through on, but maybe, just maybe there might be something in there that you can action/do today.

Knowing what brings you ‘flow’ can be helpful.

Journally everyday may be helpful - then when stuck like today you can read back and see what helped at other times.

Best of luck.

By saying I won’t take concrete steps I mean I won’t act on my su*cidal ideation.

I hate myself because I do stupid, thoughtless or clumsy things. I waste money and resources. I cause work for my partner. My heart and soul are black like gangrene, I am poison.

You are not poison OP, that is your depression talking. Can you speak to your GP about going back on some ADs? I know it’s difficult to care about yourself when you are feeling so low but you are a valuable human being and you have people who love you. Try to be kinder to yourself as I’m sure you wouldn’t talk about a friend the way you talk about yourself.

Yeah CPTSD here too. I know what you mean about one thing triggering a spiral. You need some help before next week, even if it's to offload, without guilt, to the Samaritans. MIND are also good. See if your therapist can squeeze you in. I've given up coming off meds. I just can't function without them.
I cant journal, its too depressing when I read it back. When I've tried it made it worse seeing it all written down and seeing all my failures. Good music to lift your mood, crying in the car and being kind to yourself with a treat like a cake or a book. Is the thing that triggered you something that you can alter or change or is it just something that has to pass? X

OP, there isn't a single person alive who doesn't (often really regularly!) do stupid or clumsy things, waste stuff or make work for their loved ones. It's part of being human. Did someone talk this way to you when you were a child, and make you feel you were wrong or worthless for such things? You sound like a perfectly normal person who is going through a really rough time at the moment. It's really bloody hard to live with ourselves when we feel this way, but we won't always feel this way if we get help.

Thank you all for being so kind. I have a part of me that’s saying all these things too, and that these are thoughts they don’t have to be true, but I still have this lump inside me and the thoughts swirling around, and it’s so uncomfortable!

I made it ok, but there are financial implications and the thoughtless behaviour in the first place.

I feel similar about journalling, often (in better times) it helps but actually right now it feels like rehearsing the bad thoughts.

I’m feeling better. Still poorly like and exhausted but not so dark. Thank you for supporting me earlier.

@AlertCat That's good to hear. You said it was thoughtless so not something you planned and did in full knowledge.

You cocked up and it happens. Now you deal with it, it sucks but its done. You move forward one step at a time, its pointless beating yourself now.

But sometimes there's a perverse pleasure in being cruel and unkind to yourself in a way you would never do to anyone else, especially someone you love. And we really need to try to love ourselves a little bit. Try to do one nice thing for yourself everyday, it doesnt have to be huge, just a decent coffee or 10mins watching kitten videos.

Keep talking to your OH so he knows you are trying to fix/sort/deal and trying to modify your behaviour. Try and do something nice with your kids, just be with them and remind yourself there is nothing more important than them. X